Riot

I'm concerned about the world. There is devastation, destruction, hate and hurt bleeding from every nation. I have a baby. A small, innocent, pure, full of joy and personality of a baby. How do I protect her? When the riots become more violent, when the riots spread to where I live, when the natural disaster hits my town, will I be able to keep her safe? Or even alive? Since when was it courageous to be bloodthirsty? 

I feel that I must say something, though my creditability in the area is lacking. I don't live in the South. I don't live in Baltimore. I don't live in Nepal. I am a white woman. But my heart aches. There are people starving to death waiting for help. Riots and rage roam the world, we are living in the dystopian world everyone writes about.

I don't see the baltimore mom how others see her. She parents different than I would parent but then again, I've never been in that situation so I don't know if I would react similarly. In words, I wouldn't want to stop my son from joining forces by hitting him. Combatting violence with violence doesn't seem to be sending the right message. To me, her actions are a desperate plea for him to turn around and realize she taught him better. I get that. Everyone who has gotten hurt, has a mother and most of the mothers are worried about them.

A woman that grew up in my neighborhood died in Nepal a few years back. Her plane flew right into the mountain. It is one of the most dangerous airports in the world. It has a tiny landing strip and a huge mountain not visible if there are any clouds but even more-so, there isn't a lot of access to the surrounding villages without the airport functioning. I hear the positive stories about how they have found a baby in the rubble, completely unharmed. What a miracle. But these stories are few and far between.

We praise people for standing up for what they believe in but what about when it negatively affects my family. The word "safe" and "world peace" gets a bad rap but in all honestly, why can't I desire that? Ever since I got pregnant, I have had an overwhelming weight of responsibility for my baby. I constantly have nightmares where I'm in a situation that I can't control the fact that she gets hurt. It is on my mind a lot. Then I've had a few emotional attacks. I will never feel like I'm doing enough for my child, so believe me I feel guilty on a daily basis from my own thoughts. Then this happens:

I knew it was a joke. But it destroyed me. 

When is that ever funny?

Dave made a good point that this individual is a great example of the loud minority and even though there were so many positive comments and encouragement, I let the one sarcastic remark sting. That may be true but it doesn't mean that the words don't haunt me. Then, I think how silly it is that I care so much about a stupid comment on Facebook when there are so many bigger issues going on and know I tend to avoid conflict. Let it be known, I know the world is in distress and fear my insignificance will steal the basics I owe my family: safety, love and happiness.

Giggling Like a Tween

Since I got drug tested Tuesday, we ate poppy seed chicken for dinner yesterday :)

Last night, penny slept in her own room...well at least for a couple of hours. Dave and I were so happy at the option of being loud that we ended up staying up late giggling like school girls at a sleepover.

It began as a confession. I'm a horrible liar and Dave could tell I was hiding something. Well, it's even harder to hide something when you have a shopping bag of things even though you were supposed to be at a church activity all evening. We began laughing so hard because he said that he's always trying to get me to buy things for myself and I felt so guilty because I thought he wanted me to stay for the "will" writing lesson.

Somehow it turned into reminiscing over our first flutterings of attraction towards each other. We admitted to truths that we were too embarrassed to think about before. How we felt when our hug was sabotaged, that my heart skipped a beat when he strolled up to the camp fire, how he texted to see if I were an activity before he made an appearance, how I thought about him while I was on dates with others and gradually stopped trying on those dates. Overall, I married the right guy. We have mutually cared about each other since the first day we met.

5 months

Audrey got baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This is from that day.

 This day we just had a lot of fun with the camera and my bubbly little girl.

 what happened to this picture...

 I just like how many rolls she has on her arms in this picture.

And take a look at how impressive the rolls are on her back.

 For Valentines Day we went around to significant places from our dating history and took pictures of penny in the spots. On the day I met my husband, he offered me his seat, right here. At the Patterson's house.

I just love the progression of these photos. Penny loves her daddy and she loves books so it was wonderful to see how incredibly happy she was when Dave read her the bedtime story.

This is Dave's favorite pic from the month because this is the first day we did something new with her hair. 

Two pigtails are a little small for her 90% head.

This is at the Oscars party that we had. 

What's New:

Penny: There were a lot of firsts this month. 

-She rolled over. 

-She can shake her rattle. 

-She just barely had her first bite of solid food (I have record of it but I haven't transferred it to the computer yet.) 

-She sings to us all day and she loves the word "dada." Dave doesn't think it counts but I do so ha. 

Dave:

-Put in his two weeks notice, he stops working on the 6th of March.

-Is growing out his hair so he can get the works for his christmas present I gave him at his favorite barber.

-Accepted into Dev Mountain and is finishing Code Academy

-Loses our love bets all of the time and will have to wear a fake tattoo of my choosing at work all day (I'm thinking disney princess, what do you think?)

Lizi:

-Got offered her job back at VitalSmarts

-Cried about it a lot. Happy and sad cry, Penny gets quite confused when it happens.
-A coworker from Sundance passed away this month. The whole situations was numbing.

-Put a lot of preparation into the Oscars party. I'm not sure why it meant so much to me.

-Have 4 Timeless series interviews DONE. 

Somebody NEEDS You

One of the best and hardest parts about being a mother is that somebody NEEDS you.

This is the first time in my life that I am actually a necessity.
I enjoy being married.
I enjoy working.
I enjoy video production, editing, free-time, photography, writing, art, ceramics and a number of other activities.

BUT
If I didn't show, if I didn't dedicate time that day, if I was sick, if I decided to stop doing those things all together... they would survive without me.

As a mom my baby needs me; and specifically me.

When I remind myself of this purpose, waking up in the middle of the night, being patient if she is crying and spending the money to help her health not only is worth it but is much easier.
If I'm focused on myself however, I quickly can get caught up on the new pains of healing/breastfeeding, the lack of social interaction and the inconvenience of the time it truly takes. I won't lie, at times I fall into the latter state and want pity but recognizing that when I focus on the adorable child grinning at me instead of the selfish desires, I melt.
Knowing that she needs me not only has added purpose to my life, but has breathed depth and soul into my future. There will be a day she no longer needs me and I have decided that's when I probably will need her even more than ever.

It's nice to be needed.

Tonight, We are Having a Baby

This weekend I got the fine opportunity to spend my weekend with the best group of gals around: my sisters and my mother. We were celebrating my mom's birthday but it really felt like it was all for me because it was everything I learned to love to do. We relaxed to a nice fancy dinner, I fell asleep early on a fantastic bed, woke up to a picturesque view of my sister snuggling her newborn, had a great breakfast and felt weightless as we floated around the pool for a while. When I think back on it, I just remember constant laughter. When we returned to Utah Valley and everyone was ready to disperse, I wasn't ready. I still long to see my family at all times but I've been trying not to dwell on it. 

Knowing when I'm having a baby made that feeling for my family more intense. On Monday evening, I sensed something I have never had an inkling before; I had a true fear of dying. The thing is, the complete desperation was not necessarily that I'm afraid of dying but the anxiety sprung due to the fact not only I wouldn't be able to experience my life with my husband & baby but that I would never see my family again. How do you feel prepared for something like that?

People at work ask me all the time, "Are you nervous?" and I want to respond, "duh. When was the last time you pushed a human out of your body?" but I usually respond with, "Sometimes, I just don't know what to expect." Then, they usually respond with a horror story. Thanks guys. On the upside, I got my performance reviews back from work. What a boost of confidence! They actually like me! They took me to lunch, they paid, they got me presents, they got me clothes and they have all been bidding me farewell with the kindest words/visits. 

I don't know how to feel today. I'm quite optimistic all things considering but mornings are always better than later in the day. I couldn't sleep past 5am but that way, I could watch the sunrise and attempt to look my best for the first time Penny will see me. I love that at 5:40am, Dave rolled over and said, "you would be awake" and that when I texted my mother that I miss her she took no hesitation in driving straight to my house. I'd rather stay this way, either I'm in denial about later this evening or I have too much spark for curiosity. Isn't it interesting that our bodies can go through immense amount of pain but not die? I find it very miraculous. Anyways, God be with you until we meet again my friends.

I believe in miracles.

Inviting People into Your Home

When I was younger, sometimes the only thing that would bring me peace to say when someone was moving away was to say, "I'll invite you to my wedding." For some reason, I thought that no matter where they ended up, they would still come to my wedding. Unrealistic yet calming for my soul.

A shift in desires came upon me when I got pregnant. I wanted the people in my child's life to be the worthwhile people, the ones that stick by you or you have so much history together that the inside jokes are just a glance away. I used to hold onto or at least feel guilty when I let emotional/verbal abusive people phase out of my life. I think in a way, I wanted to "fix" them but in the end they usually effected me negatively more than I convinced them to change-I was an enabler and co-dependent on the fact I thought I was the opposite.

We overuse the term "invite." Whether it's inviting someone to come to an event, inviting them to dinner or generally inviting them into our lives; maybe we are extending our hand out to those that don't recognize the investment of trust you are asking back.

My shower had exactly the people in my life that I want to be a part of my future family's life. I chose my "invite" list VERY selectively (Jennie, I thought you were still in NYC or else you would have been invited.) I know it's not realistic to see them on a daily basis but I wouldn't mind it if that were to happen. I wish they all knew and were interlaced into one anothers' life, they are all so noteworthy and worth every second of time. We had quite a bit who had to travel far to get to the shower. Idaho, Montana, even Northern Utah is far away to me. I couldn't have imagined it going better. I feel so much love and support for this baby and it brings me joy that she will have so many healthy people surrounding her. That night I was so overwhelmed with appreciation, I felt the need to pay it forward immediately but that was truly impossible. So I made a system that I could treat each gift with as much respect as possible, it will all be well-loved.

Silence vs. Violence

When we hear a tough message, we often resort to one of two unhealthy behaviors: Violence or Silence.

Violent: Aggressive, defensive, yelling, threatening, lash out, say things you don't mean in the heat of the moment, focused on being right, focused on being heard…etc

Silent: Withdraw from tough conversations, avoid the main issue, say you're okay with something when you're not, don't fully express your thoughts, give silent treatment, walk out of the room, wait later to voice opinion through electronic forms…etc

For example, let's say you are presenting an idea that means a lot to you in front of a group of people and the group is not thrilled with the idea. A violent person in this situation might take full control over the conversation defending why this is not only the BEST idea that's been presented but the ONLY idea they're willing to work on. They become bossy, shutting down the ideas/revisions of others, stuck on why they are right and the others are wrong. A silent person as the presenter might try and defend in the beginning, start withdrawing or avoiding comments but feel like it's a lost cause. Extreme silent people may even stop saying anything or get so frustrated they leave the conversation abruptly. They are also stuck on why they are right and the others are wrong. Neither personality leaves the meeting reassured nor happy. 

How to discover which behavior you tend to be: 

(note that you can often change with different people, places or phases of life)

Think to a conversation that didn't go well in your recent past. Now, think realistically of what emotions triggered you, then you physical response to the situation and then how these two things made you behave.

Violence Physical Triggers: Pointing fingers, hands on hips, raising voice, balling up fists, tense muscles, accelerated heartbeat…etc

Silence Physical Triggers: Folding arms, avoiding eye contact, tense muscles, knot in stomach, urge to cry, look for an escape route (door,) removing yourself from the room…etc

So, why should you care if you are a violence or a silence?

Honestly, there are negative repercussions to not resolving a problem fully. When a violent person lashes out, they may think that others are agreeing with them when in reality, they probably just lost a lot of respect for them. You may have just burned a bridge you didn't know about and it will take significant time to repair that relationship. When a silent person can't be honest they often turn to gossiping and venting to others instead of dealing with the person that can help solve the issue. In some cases, they can begin to have displacement issues in which they take the problems out on someone else. Either way, you let your emotions get in the way of coming to an agreeable resolution and are in a downward spiral of self-destruction. Believe it.

It's also very helpful to recognize when your emotions are taking control over yourself or recognizing these signs in another person so you can have healthier conversations. In these experience, you may  find yourself being able to calm your emotions before you resort to your violent or silent nature. 

Personally, finding out I'm an EXTREME silent has been such an eye opener to me. Making sense of the behaviors I don't like in myself, I can usually pinpoint a conversation that I avoided, didn't feel heard or even physically ran out of the room to get out of. It has hurt my relationships with others, it has significantly lowered my self esteem and at times I grovel to complaining to others about the situation instead of trying to fix it. 

Why I'm an extreme silence: 

-I say "It's fine" when I'm not or "I forgive you" when I haven't 

-I HATE/AVOID answering the phone even if I'm pretty sure the person on the other line will only say nice and flowery things
-I usually make a bullet point list of exactly what I am going to say on a phone call if I absolutely have to talk to someone

-I used to text serious conversations instead of being willing to talk face-to-face,  I cry when I feel uncomfortable 

-I would hold my breath until I got what I wanted as a child 

-I used to feel like I didn't belong in my family. They are all Violence in these situations, they are blunt, direct and it used to be very overwhelming to me. Being the only daughter that is truly silent (maybe Katie but she grew out of it) they didn't understand the way I worked and vice versa. 

-I hold grudges easily 

-I avoid grocery stores where I could possibly encounter someone I don't feel prepared to talk to, 

-there is always a point I become too overwhelmed to continue and physically RUN away from the situation. Ask my husband Dave, he can tell you a number of times that he has had to follow me out the door during a heated discussion, not necessarily to continue the conversation but to make sure I was safe roaming around Provo at 3am. 

I have had these habits for so long that I haven't fully resolved poorly handled situations emotionally. Thus resulting in projected the effects of negative experiences onto my expectations of others. So, if one person in my life has a pattern of falling short in being reliable, I expect anyone who cancels plans doesn't truly care about me and try to write them off forever. I also care deeply about my relationships with other people and have had a history of forgiving people too quickly, pretty much giving them permission to continue their poor behavior. By not talking to them about how much it actually hurt me, it prompted them to do it again. I knew Dave was good at conversations before I married him, the balance between violence and silence is where healthy dialogue falls. It also is something the Fesler's practice naturally with one another as well as letting go of the situations that you have no more control over instead of dwelling on them. 

Full-time Worker

An interesting thing about attempting to be more honest with your writing is that it tends to be more ego-centric and often negative. Well, simply, I need to work on me before I can expect the world to conform to whatever I hope to accomplish. So bear with my selfish and whiny posts, I'll try to keep them to a minimum. As a matter of fact, I attended a training this past week that I believe will help me recognize where to go from here. 

Things that DON'T ONLY INVOLVE ME:

-The people I work with are awesome, need proof? This is how I was welcomed on my first day of work.

-Other than this, I've been learning a new side of things, asking for production bids, seeing how companies/contractors set realistic budgets (did you know $50,000 for one international video is a GREAT deal? I never would have guessed…I have to force myself to not feel like I've been taken advantage of as a video professional)

-Let's follow up on content, COULD I HAVE PICKED A MORE BENEFICIAL COMPANY TO BE INVOLVED WITH? Seriously, I feel like I'm getting paid for therapy. Every video I've worked on is how to strengthen yourself and build the relationships around you. Let me know if you want to be involved with a training, they take up two full work days but you won't regret it.

I Miss Her

I look at this picture and I don't really see me, the person I am right now. I think hey, whatever is happening looks pretty fun. I feel like I lost "her" somewhere along the road. Though I know that a lot of my past was filled with escapism from my problems, false sense of security and inauthentic happiness; there was a validity behind my smiles, a good rush of adrenaline and a skip in my footsteps. I want to look forward to summer, not how it used to be but find a new balance for who I am today.

I believe in wholesome activities.

New year resolutions

If you write resolutions down, I hear you are more likely to accomplish them.

-Stop comparing myself to others. Especially stop comparing my weakest traits to others strengths. ( suggested by JiHye)

-Be more helpful. I get embarrassed when I need others so though I'm not in complete control over my situations, I can try and bless those who are blessing me.

-Visit all of my favorite childhood/growing up hiding places. I've been a bit cranky about returning to Utah and I got this idea from a song, in pursuit of being reminded why I love my hometown so much. Plus, I think it could be a good art project taking pictures of sentimental places with the people you experienced them with.

-Read more classic literature. I've dabbled in this area and have loved everything I've read. 

"Your clothes are soaked and you don't know where to go

So drop your chin and take yourself back home

And roll out your maps and papers

Find out your hiding places again."-the love club

34th Street, Macy's Day Parade and Thanksgiving

On Monday at work, I finished the binder. Well, up until episode 210....and made a to-do list for the rest..and a table of contents. It made Alex so happy she shrieked with joy to see it (basically, that means it was totally worth it.) We also had our last pre-production meeting. I guess they started their first episode while sipping milkshakes at the the diner on 34th and to fulfill the tradition we all went to the diner on 34th to discuss episode 212. I have seen a lot of the small diner, which I don't think is particularly popular but is in a sublime location. It was much more than a production meeting, we all discussed what we're doing afterwards (which is pretty all around nothing since Frenemies ends at such an awkward time) and options of what to do from here. I cannot believe how wonderful it is to work with people who value your strengths. I know I have a lot to learn when it comes to filmmaking but working with a crew that recognizes the importance of hard work and helps me learn where I fall short will be hard to leave and start again. 

Tuesday we arrived in Oneonta (did you see my "Macys Day Parade" picture? I was there....just a lot earlier than the rest of the parade.) It's a good thing we decided to leave a little earlier for Oneonta because apparently the weather was going to be absolutely nasty Wednesday and Thursday. We had quite the snow storm but I didn't find it nasty, rather, I felt the weather was welcoming the holiday season. Kim practiced her aerobic routine with me, I think it was odd for her because we do aerobics a lot together but we never are facing each other. I am well aware that I am an awkward mover. 

During this visit, Lucy figured out how to say "Dave" and everything became "Dave." The car keys were "Dave," my phone (has a picture of him on it) was "Dave," any bearded man in the mall was "Dave," the picture of Jesus in the hallway was "Dave" and we both preferred this over last time we went to Oneonta (she literally cried everytime he came near her.) She was also very concerned that dave wasn't included in whatever was happening. If Mary and I were giving soft tickles to one another, Lucy would command us to soft tickle him. If she had to take a nap and everyone was giving her kisses, she would then say "Dave?" My name was occassionally "Dave" as well because I guess "Lizi" is harder for an 18-month old. 

Wednesday I was informed that my exam had been graded and I promised Dave I wouldn't check my score until after the Thanksgiving break....well, I peeked. I got the exact score I needed to graduate, what a miracle! I became a little sad because I didn't really end college on a strong point but then I remembered how wonderful it was that I'm where I am and that the next day is Thanksgiving I got over it quickly (Thank you btw for those of you who sent me kind words about my last blog post, I didn't intend to be depressing but thank you for being so nice to me.) 

Thanksgiving Day 2013 we spent in a cottage-like home, toasty on the inside and enough snow to play in on the outside. Kim is the best cook in the world. Buddy and Mary fight over who will be "willed" Kim's cookbook, Buddy apparently thinks it would sell on Ebay for 14 million dollars. I also missed my dear Grandma Pace today, I always think of her around Thanksgiving. The holiday smell alone reminds me of the great Thanksgiving's I've spent near my Grandmother. My mother was so kind and roped Erika into setting up skype so we could see the family. Not only were Grandma and Grandpa there but I got to see CLAIRE JARVIS. I totally understand that 2-year old and miss her often. I love it when Katie calls because I will often get to speak to Claire as well (I like speaking to Katie too.) Near the evening, we welcomed in the holiday season with some desserts and games. I'm pretty sure I win every game of zilch that I play....right Dave?

Friday We got to see Catching Fire. I know, everybody loves the movie. I admit it was done very well. I won't lie, it makes me so anxious but the book did too so at least it's consistent! Living in conditions so bleak as the setting of the Hunger Games really scares me. Kim and I exercised everyday while I was in Oneonta too but that's because we both find exercise therapeutic.

Saturday, we loved being in Oneonta but it began to set in that our stay was coming to the end...and that we don't know when we will be able to see the Noorlander's again. I tried really hard not to focus on that fact, I hate goodbye's and I say goodbye's too often. We set up Christmas decorations and Danny is a great decorator. I also can only go so many days without taking pictures or filming something and I couldn't handle that it had been a while so I spent the evening filming Lucy dancing in front of the christmas tree.

I met a woman on Sunday who turned 100 last month. I also was called the "calm" one in my family although we asked Dave if that's true and he disagrees that I'm calm. Kim made the best pretzels on earth and I have been craving them lately so it was perfect to be able to eat eight soft pretzels to help my craving. The family let us skype in on Advent in the evening and it was a perfect ending...for now. 

Today at work I talked to four strangers about their lives. I guess people are more talkative right after Thanksgiving. OR I'm a more social person after I've spent nearly a week with Kim. That makes more sense. We also went into what I picture Bakery Heaven would look like. Dave refuses to eat our advent calendar chocolates though, he is too afraid they will taste like cardboard. I do not have a fear of eating chocolate.

I believe in the Holidays.

New York Pictures

Central Park, Van Gogh and The Met

This week started very busy with a 16 hour shoot at Lake Hopatcong for Frenemies. It was a really good day. I got to be an extra once again, although they only casted me because I was the only one who could pull of 15 years old. I also don't think I fit in with that crowd but I guess you'll see that. One of the highlights is that I got to tell the toughest actor on the crew that he didn't get all of the lipstick off of his lips. 

 This dog had SO much energy. It was ridiculous. He ripped up the whole dock before we were finished shooting. We were shooting a robbery scene and the dog thought the "bad guy" actor was in trouble and tried to save him. We had to distract him for the other takes.

 This is a shot of the director letting the actors know what feeling she hopes they will portray for this scene.

 At the end of the evening, I noticed the Empire state building had pink blue and yellow for lights. I looked it up but I don't remember what it was for.

 I went on a lot of runs for the office on Wednesday, this was one of the shots. I guess I thought this was more important than taking a picture of the lady who just swam from florida to Cuba because I walked past that event too but had no idea why they had a swimming pool in the middle of the road.

 This was another one of those odd phenomenons that go on in the city. We had just walked past a farmers market and a statue of columbus when hundreds of skateboarder came by. This was the end of it, the whole street was literally packed.

 We got to go to the temple. It comes out of no where because you don't expect it in the middle of the city.

 I fell in love with Central Park. It bugged Dave that I stopped so much to take pictures but I seriously had to.

 Notice this strip of land? I've seen it in so many different movies but I first thought of the cover of When Harry Met Sally. We also visited the park featured in Ghostbusters.

 The Metropolitan Museum of Art....so lovely. Seriously, so lovely.

 Dave on the Met steps: Repping it Hitch and Gossip Girl style. xoxo.

 Van Gogh self portrait. I loved every thing I saw in this museum. It is so worth it.

So we try and watch movies that are based in New York (believe me, there are so many) and this inspired us to finish off the week watching Ghost Town. Since there's a famous scene from it right in this exact spot. Plus, it's a hilarious movie, check it out.