Penny's First Birthday

Penny's First Birthday from Fesler Films on Vimeo.

Because someday she might wonder what her first birthday was like. She deserves to know.

Somebody NEEDS You

One of the best and hardest parts about being a mother is that somebody NEEDS you.

This is the first time in my life that I am actually a necessity.
I enjoy being married.
I enjoy working.
I enjoy video production, editing, free-time, photography, writing, art, ceramics and a number of other activities.

BUT
If I didn't show, if I didn't dedicate time that day, if I was sick, if I decided to stop doing those things all together... they would survive without me.

As a mom my baby needs me; and specifically me.

When I remind myself of this purpose, waking up in the middle of the night, being patient if she is crying and spending the money to help her health not only is worth it but is much easier.
If I'm focused on myself however, I quickly can get caught up on the new pains of healing/breastfeeding, the lack of social interaction and the inconvenience of the time it truly takes. I won't lie, at times I fall into the latter state and want pity but recognizing that when I focus on the adorable child grinning at me instead of the selfish desires, I melt.
Knowing that she needs me not only has added purpose to my life, but has breathed depth and soul into my future. There will be a day she no longer needs me and I have decided that's when I probably will need her even more than ever.

It's nice to be needed.

Birthing Day and Playing Catch Up

The task on my list to write down the birthing story has been a bit daunting. For someone who vividly remembers experiences, the fact that I only remember fragments of the evening intimidates me. But before I forget anything else, I will attempt to write it down.

On Wednesday September 24, 2014

My last supper was at Tucano's....it looked like this (view below.) Once again, I made a home-run at Tucanos with those I went with and was eating 45 minutes after every one else was done. 

I also drank a ridiculous amount of water which in some ways was dumb because I needed to pee every ten minutes even before they pumped me full of saline. Why did I do it? I heard that "pokes" hurt less when there is more water in your body and so I take it to the extreme. I'm weird and was more afraid of getting the IV and epidural than the actual labor.

At work, I felt like everyone was treating me like I was going to die. Although, it was really nice to hear what their last words to me would be because they were very sweet. We ended with my performance review, I was very nervous to hear what others had said about me and was super scared about talking to my manager about it. It was better than I could have imagined. It was a boost of confidence. They rated me much higher than I rated myself and all of their words were very kind.

The hospital asked us to call them at 5pm to know what time we were to be admitted. When we called at 5pm, they said come in at 6:15. We were very surprised and it didn't really seem real at that point. I felt nervous, Dave had to go watch something to get his mind off of it. Not that we weren't prepared, we had heard that in the past they often have you come in much later than the "predicted" time because inductions take the back burner. I couldn't really think about anything at that point, I just prayed and prayed that Penny was ready (I was very worried she would be too small.) All day I had been going through mood swings of anticipation, curiosity, and complete fear. 

The lady that checked us in had a disposition of someone who knows a secret and our room was absolutely gorgeous. I guess that's what you get when you have a heart condition. A room coated in the daintiest shade of purple with a view of not only the car lights zooming by but the sunset. I remember rolling up the shades and soaking in the moment with Dave. It has become an accidental tradition. On our wedding day we shared a similar experience, Dave and I peeked out the temple window on our way to the sealing room. At times, it helps to take a second to breath deeply and enjoy a view before moving onto one of those monumental moments. 

We next met our nurse Sharon. Oh how I miss Sharon. We bonded with her immediately and I felt like I was treated like a queen because of how attentive to detail she was.  After checking my cervix, not much had changed over the last few weeks. I was dilated to 1.75 and was 75% effaced. She numbed my arm before sticking in the IV (thank you thank you) and then ran off to get the medicine we would receive to be induced. 

The medicine is called Cytotec. All I knew is that I'm happy they didn't have to "strip my membranes" because I just pictured a chisel digging out my insides. Cytotec is a small pill, placed as far into the cervix as possible to start the process of labor. She brought in 4 pills and explained that she would place a Cytotec every 3 hours until the morning. She said usually that is when they start the Pitocin so try to get sleep while I can.

I'm a goal-maker. So I had in my mind that I didn't want any pain medication until at least 10:30pm and she placed the pill at 7:45. I felt uncomfortable but not miserable. I did notice my contractions were getting closer and closer together but I thought that was normal. By the time she came to place another pill my contractions were 2 minutes apart. She was shocked because I guess it's pretty uncommon but I was officially in labor without the need of anymore medicine.

I still didn't want the epidural quite yet, even though I had made my goal. She explained that there is a medicine called Fentanyl that helps control pain but it only lasts about an hour. I decided to go that route at about 11:30 so I could catch some sleep. I took a couple of more doses and knew when it would wear off because I felt uncomfortable again.

At about 2:45am, I got up to pee (again) and the nurse came in to check my cervix. Not only had I advanced to a 5 but she accidentally broke my water. Things progressed quickly after that. Intense contractions immediately began and they were only a minute apart so she ran out to find the epidural guy quickly. He was very talented seeing that he only had a minute to have the epidural placed in the very particular spot.

I do like that I got to experience labor pains, they weren't what I expected and weren't as bad as I expected. I was also very grateful for modern medicine to help alleviate some of the pain. After the epidural was in, Sharon was a bit concerned because our baby's heart was dropping with contractions. Often, if the heart drops they will eventually call for a c-section. I didn't care what type of birth we had, as long as our baby was safe. Sharon put me on oxygen which helped the baby's heart but ended up giving me the feeling that I really was disconnecting from the world.

Dave probably should have slept at that point but instead he held my hand as I avidly watched the monitor. Every time her heart would drop, I went into panic mode and Dave would have to calm me down. I don't know how people go through something like birth without someone who has such a calming influence as Dave. I was slightly worried because I felt pain through the epidural during that first hour. A type of pressure I was sure would intensify as the night continued. 

Only an hour later, Sharon came in to check my progress and I had dilated from a 5 to a 10 in that hour. I was ready to push. Penny was ready to come, much more ready than I had originally thought. Not being able to feel your legs but still needing to push as hard as you could was one of the oddest feelings in the world. Everything went well the first hour but by the second hour began, my body felt the exhaustion. I felt like the oxygen was suffocating me and my left arm had gone completely numb with an aching in my left shoulder. It shouldn't have been the epidural because I got a smaller dose than most ladies because of vasovagal. My doctor came in to see how everything was going and I could feel his hand which was a little scary to me. There was just a patch that the epidural wasn't effective but it wasn't too bad, just interesting.

The second hour of pushing was not very effective, I felt like Penny did better when she worked her way down by herself instead of when I was pushing. I was getting so dizzy in between pushes and she was far but still not to the point of crowning. I was trying so hard to have her before 6am because that was shift change for all of those I was working with, Sharon and Dr. Jacob. Although, I'm sure the other nurses and doctors were just as good, I'm the type of person that likes consistency so I kept trying, and kept apologizing and kept feeling so dizzy that I have no idea if I was passing out. 

I also was shaking violently. I know it's normal but it didn't feel normal. The blood pressure cuff continued to go off but wouldn't stop squeezing my arm since I couldn't control my muscles from spasms. Dave was the best part of it all. I became succumbed by my fears but then I could look at Dave and he was the only thing that kept me at bay. His eyes would get big with excitement and he would mouth along with Sharon when she would count to ten. At one point, they just asked him to count since he was so enthusiastic about it. When we first saw her head it was full of thick hair and I knew Dave had seen her by his expression. He is packed to the rim of sincere happiness and I was happy to be a part of providing that.

Near the end of the second hour, Dr. Jacob asked if I wanted to have forceps so that we could get her out. I tried a few more times to push on my own and then felt quite disappointed in myself for deciding to go with the forceps but I really didn't want them to leave me for a complete new staff. Sharon reassured me that she would stay, she wanted to meet the baby and that helped me a lot. It's very good I decided on the forceps because even with me pushing and a grown man pulling, it still took quite a bit of time to get Penny out. 

It was a bit unfortunate that even though my contractions had been on top of each other for quite some time, they had decided to slow down at that point. After the first 4 pushes, the contraction slowed to 3 minutes a part. After the second 4 pushes, the contracted waited 6 minutes before resuming. Between the third 4 pushes and the fourth 4 pushes, I felt like those were the longest 8 minutes of my life. I could just see Dr. Jacob's face focused on the monitor, giant salad tongs sticking out of my body and Dave's face reassuring me that it was going to be okay. I kept asking if she was okay and then apologizing to everyone in the room, it felt too quiet. Quiet meant trouble to me. 

Side note: I'm absolutely in love with this picture. I know, it's gross to others but to me, it's magical and intimate.This is my baby and she still makes that face when she's stretching.

Luckily the fourth was the trick. Dave described her coming out as he saw her head and then her head just kept coming. When we finally saw her body both Dave and I gasped in surprise, she was HUGE. How was I measuring small? Our nurse and doctor predicted she would maybe be six pounds but no, this baby didn't look like it would've fit inside of me. Dave pranced around. I could tell he was conflicted on whether to stick near me or go be with the new baby. The nurse helped him decide by reminding him he was on picture duty and would slip in phrases like, "hey, you might want to get this."

She had arrived: September 25, 2014 6:10am 7 lbs 14 oz and 20 inches long. I immediately knew I was losing a lot of blood. The shakes had gotten worse. The oxygen mask was finally off of my face but I still felt like I couldn't breathe. My eyes were rolling back into my head and I felt like I was seizuring. They put Penny in my arms, this is the moment everyone talks about. This is when you first get to realize you have a baby. Penny immediately wanted to tell me everything, she was just talking away with stories that I she didn't know I couldn't understand. I loved that. Even more, it was apparent she was already a daddy's girl. Dave came over and said, "hey Penny!" and she stopped her chatting to look for his face. Ever since, he seemed to stick by her side and be the same calming influence on her that he's always been for me. 

My arms were so numb that I didn't feel like I had a good grip on her. I was panicked that I couldn't "feel" her but even more, I didn't want to drop her. I tried to tell those around me but my mouth wasn't working right. Everything about me was swollen and bloated and I couldn't keep my head up. I knew I loved her right away despite the fact that my sense of touch seemed broken.

Unfortunately, my parents came in shortly after and saw me in the seizuring state. My dad came over right away to put Penny's name in our family history. While he was walking towards the bed and not looking where he was going, I knew he was headed to sit right on my leg and I couldn't move it. I tried to get his attention and he simply smiled, sat on my leg anyway (without seeming to notice) and said, "I know doll, I know." I remember thinking, no, you don't know, you would have noticed if I sat on your leg. I remember my mom telling me how proud she was and crying into my shoulder. It was very tender moment, I don't think I had the energy to respond. The new nurse wanted to hurry me downstairs but my legs didn't work, she kept asking me to get up and sit in the wheelchair but I couldn't keep my eyes open or move my legs to the side of the bed. So, they wheeled me down the hallway on another bed. 

It's slightly unfair that they thrust so much information at you at the hospital. I couldn't register anything and I was signing really important documents left and right. People would be right in my face and I can remember them saying, "well, you need to remember..." but I don't remember what I need to remember. Especially within the first few hours after, I was completely zoned out between the drugs, not getting sleep and the tiny flickers of what was going on. 

I had really wanted to see Penny get her first bath but I apparently missed all of that. Luckily, Dave had gotten used to taking more pictures so we've got some cute ones of those moment. He also didn't leave her side since that first conflicted moment. I do remember waking up in the middle of the afternoon to see Dave asleep on the FLOOR, that's when I sent him home to sleep. I knew he needed it when he didn't respond to anyone for 5 hours, he really zonked out.

I didn't think I would be hungry in the hospital but apparently I could eat everything in the world. With every meal, I had soup and jello. It was a given in my mind. I hated using the bathroom. It was the one thing I dreaded every day. With a million visitors, I do remember a doctor from Valley OBGYN coming in and telling me that our baby had the rarest blood type. There was a moment on Friday evening that I hit a wall with visitors, I was done. I needed some space. I hadn't felt that before. I love people and being around them but they were too much to handle at that point. I was feeling bad because Penny needed to eat when visitors came to hold her and it threw us all off our schedules.

Coming home at 6:10am Saturday morning was a great thing because there were less people on the road.  Nursing has been one of the biggest learning curves. I now know, if I have feverish symptoms I'm overdue for another feeding but learning signs like that from your body is not one of the things they told me about in the hospital (I think?) Anyways, Penny had bad jaundice right away. On Saturday morning, it was 12.6 on Sunday morning it was 18.1. Anything 20 or above is considered "critical condition" so they ordered us the lights to have at home. The delivery was supposed to get to us by 1pm on Sunday and they didn't arrive until 6:30pm. 

I was worried about her for a bit. But each day her jaundice went a bit more down than the last. Unfortunately, we had to go every morning around 7am-8am to go get a vial of blood drawn from her poor feet. All together, she had to get the blood drawn eight times, so you can imagine how sensitive her feet were. The day she came off of the lights because her jaundice was finally lower than 11 was celebrated by everyone. She couldn't sleep in the lights very well and it hurt everyone's eyes and 4 days without human comfort was far too long for a newborn baby. I immediately dressed her in some of my favorite outfits and did a photo-shoot but that's because I'm like that. I wanted to show off my darling girl. She will probably get used to the photography. 

Now, we are finally getting closer to a routine. My milk is finally regulating and our schedule is beginning to become more consistent. Dave is back at work :( and I'm learning to be a stay at home mama. It helps that I happen to have the cutest fan on my side.

I believe in Penny's from heaven.

Tonight, We are Having a Baby

This weekend I got the fine opportunity to spend my weekend with the best group of gals around: my sisters and my mother. We were celebrating my mom's birthday but it really felt like it was all for me because it was everything I learned to love to do. We relaxed to a nice fancy dinner, I fell asleep early on a fantastic bed, woke up to a picturesque view of my sister snuggling her newborn, had a great breakfast and felt weightless as we floated around the pool for a while. When I think back on it, I just remember constant laughter. When we returned to Utah Valley and everyone was ready to disperse, I wasn't ready. I still long to see my family at all times but I've been trying not to dwell on it. 

Knowing when I'm having a baby made that feeling for my family more intense. On Monday evening, I sensed something I have never had an inkling before; I had a true fear of dying. The thing is, the complete desperation was not necessarily that I'm afraid of dying but the anxiety sprung due to the fact not only I wouldn't be able to experience my life with my husband & baby but that I would never see my family again. How do you feel prepared for something like that?

People at work ask me all the time, "Are you nervous?" and I want to respond, "duh. When was the last time you pushed a human out of your body?" but I usually respond with, "Sometimes, I just don't know what to expect." Then, they usually respond with a horror story. Thanks guys. On the upside, I got my performance reviews back from work. What a boost of confidence! They actually like me! They took me to lunch, they paid, they got me presents, they got me clothes and they have all been bidding me farewell with the kindest words/visits. 

I don't know how to feel today. I'm quite optimistic all things considering but mornings are always better than later in the day. I couldn't sleep past 5am but that way, I could watch the sunrise and attempt to look my best for the first time Penny will see me. I love that at 5:40am, Dave rolled over and said, "you would be awake" and that when I texted my mother that I miss her she took no hesitation in driving straight to my house. I'd rather stay this way, either I'm in denial about later this evening or I have too much spark for curiosity. Isn't it interesting that our bodies can go through immense amount of pain but not die? I find it very miraculous. Anyways, God be with you until we meet again my friends.

I believe in miracles.

Moving to New York City

You never know what to expect when you move, until you just take the leap of faith and try it. 

I was determined to move to NYC for a few reasons. I didn't want to break the bank (we have family there,) I wanted a creditable film experience and I wanted it to be far enough from home that I felt that I accurately tried living on my "own" with Dave. The result was pretty interesting since I ended up feeling closer to family more than ever, seeing the importance of believing strongly and reality check in the area of film. 

My relationship with Dave grew so immensely I can hardly imagine how we functioned before New York. Our communication grew as we discussed daily, merging our goals and exploring the direction of our future. The social pressure of always having an exciting thing to do on the weekend eased as we found joy in the simple aspects of life: dates might consist of going to a used book store, jogging in the nearby park or sipping some hot coco with a dog sprawled on our lap (surprising considering the city "never sleeps.") Don't get me wrong, we made a point to sightsee but when I think back on the experience, those usually weren't the moments I cherished the most. Other than Christmastime which is truly magical in the city.

Even more than our marriage, we grew closer to the Williams (probably too close for their comfort) and appreciated their innovative perspectives on life. I learned for the first time in my life that I do actually desire conversation and am willing to sacrifice my fear of using the phone to call my siblings, parents and friends more often. I felt more involved than I thought I would living thousands of miles away and looked forward to our weekend excursions to Oneonta to visit the Noorlanders (for a breath of fresh air in comparison to city streets.)

I found out I really like commuting, I could fully immerse myself into books and made a point in reading the classics that I hadn't given a chance before. Every morning as I stepped out of the bus station I would pause for a minute, taking in the strangers, the bustle and my surroundings. By doing that, I felt that I allowed myself to truly appreciate the effort that went into getting into that spot. 

I realized that film was making me desperate. I recognized that up through the point of moving, I had very self centered motives and had dragged Dave around with me in hopes of a satisfaction that is unattainable. I wanted my future to be different and if putting my film career on the back burner for a while, I knew the importance of acting on that intuition. I remember the day it all changed for me and I knew I wouldn't be staying in NYC, or at least staying at that film company. The head of Development (his job is to think all day about the content of potential TV shows and research how successful they would be) was explaining that the number one goal of a TV show is to bring in revenue. Then, he added that there are a few sure fire subjects to making money: drugs, murder and sex. He wanted to point out that if we didn't want to work with at least one of those topics, we weren't ever going to make a lot of money in this industry. That's when I knew it would be fine if I didn't "make it" in the film industry. 

You might already have a hint at how much I admired my crew members and part of that is they didn't only encourage my knowledge on the technical aspects of film but they challenged my beliefs. Not in a negative way, not in a way that I felt they were trying to fight with me but in a way that made me stand taller. You wouldn't guess it in the beginning but we were all so different and believed a variety of things that it made us respect each other that much more. They didn't understand everything that I had grown up learning and I didn't understand a lot of the practices they did but through the diversity of religion in the city, they judged me by my character/personality instead of the fact I was LDS.

So on the anniversary of moving to New York, it's good to take a look back at the things I'm grateful for as well as the things that have changed in the past year. 

Love

Ok, I get it. I'm slow. But you get the pictures, right? I love these people in my life. 

I'm Grateful That I Didn't Accept My Dream Job

I have a lot of things I'm grateful for that are pretty obvious but lately, I have gratitude towards things that I never thought I'd hear myself say.

I'm grateful I've gained weight

          I have always been self-conscious about my body. I find the people around me gorgeous and would go home avoiding anything with a reflection. It didn't seem possible that I would actually enjoy the look of my pregnant body but it may be the fact that my sweet baby girl is inside growing inside or that the pregnancy hormones really change my attitude on life. Either way, I really like this shift in perspectives.

I'm grateful that I didn't accept my dream job 

          I have to repeat this  sentence to myself several times before I actually begin to believe it. Rejecting these jobs shocked me to my core and I dealt with some depression in the area for quite some time but the thing is I knew it was right for me even if I didn't know why yet. Spending 3 months away from my husband while pregnant would have been a nightmare, let's be honest. I wouldn't be making enough money for it to seem worth it and 16 hour days would probably literally kill me. Sundance however, seemed to be dangling it's temptation in front of me and even after visiting, there are parts of me that wished I had considered it more. The person who has the job I would've had is really struggling with it I guess and knowing I could've stepped up to the plate, twinges my heart just a tad. 

          HOWEVER, I would have felt much worse if I accepted the job but couldn't give 100% effort in the end. The days are long, hard and all-consuming. Currently, I have circulation issues and  I pass out a lot. With all of the driving, I could have been in a very dangerous position. I'm exhausted much easier and I feel that my physical inadequacy would tear at my self worth as well as my performance. Even thinking about it overwhelms me. I'm glad they were so understanding as well as so happy to see me when I went up to visit. The cool thing about film is that those who are successful take their commitments seriously and have learned the skill of staying positive in situations anyone would feel justified complaining about.  It creates a very warm and trustworthy environment. I love that. The job I did accept is better than I could've even imagined. I have something to do every day, I have people to see everyday, I have a purpose and I have been able to save up some money for the upcoming craziness of motherhood.

I'm grateful I learned to say "no"

        When you invest so much emotional energy into relationships like I do, saying no seems nearly heartbreaking. Honestly, I have needed to take this time away from freelance projects for both my emotional and physical stability. Often my time hasn't been respected and my clients haven't followed through so being okay with not accepting the prospect in the beginning clears up any confusion follow suite. I've committed to a couple of projects because the people are very dear to my heart. The lighter workload will really allow me some time to prepare for my baby. Being liberated from the constant worry of whether or not I'll get paid or whether or not I can get a project done on time has really made me a happier person. A much needed break may not last long but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. 

I'm grateful God exists. And that he is loving.

         At times, it's hard to trust that there is a higher power with all of the destruction, sorrow and loneliness in our current world. I want to be an anchor in my belief in God. There are times, I haven't let Him in and felt isolated. I don't see doubts as sinful but rather an enabler for empowerment in the area.We are encouraged to search and ponder before we feel confirmations in our hearts and the church wouldn't have been restored if Joseph Smith hadn't had questions. 

         Something that helps me believe is to remember that every plant, animal and thing has a creator on this earth and this subtly hints that the pattern can be applied on an enormous scale. Our Creator is very difficult to fathom but so is the fact that space is so broad, it is unlikely we will ever have the opportunity to explore it in it's entirety. When I see the pain and hurt within our own church, I must remind myself that our God is loving. While I don't understand everything, a loving God brings me comfort. If change happens, let it be but I don't feel entitled to have the church change for me. I change for God because he loved us enough to send us a Savior who understands pain better than any mortal.These thoughts may not satisfy you and that's okay, find your peace.

I'm grateful I'm not a man.

         I really want my daughter to know this about me. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful for the men in my life, they are very level headed and respect me as a member of an highly independent strong female family. I watched a documentary (that of course freaked me out) about how hard it is to raise a girl in this world without her feeling the pressure of being either a poster for a man or do everything that a man does simultaneously with women responsibilities. I'm having a daughter, she was created as a woman and I want her to be proud of that. I want her to know she has just as much potential as anyone else in this world. We aren't super heroes but I would like Penny to know there is a LOT of worth in being a woman just for the fact of being a WOMAN. 

I'm grateful I moved away from NYC

            I had an idealized view of New York before I moved there. People hype it up and in many ways, rightly so. We really enjoyed our stay and the people we met but no matter what I did, I was a misfit. I wish someone had warned me that it smells worse than Europe and that people value work there more than each other. It seems that your worth was determined by how many hours you worked last week or how much you make in a pay check rather than in other aspects. The hardest part about it for me, is I saw a lot of sadness that overtime rotted into bitterness. People who move to New York, do not move there to get the boring job. With a place filled with so much potential, it must also be filled with rejection. I felt like a lot of older people had lost their "sparkle" in their eyes, they didn't get their dream job as a Broadway music star and want to tell you by looking you in the eye with disgust. If you think you're going to make it, they are always there to say "you won't make it" "you are not good enough" or "I earned that." Of course that wasn't the case with everyone, I met a lot of optimistic people there too that had realistic views of their positions. 

           I just needed some time to realize that maybe it's not the place for me right now. I will love every time I visit. I definitely have friends that I will make an effort to see if I am out on the East coast. I really appreciate all of the job offers I have gotten from my connections and all of the faith my amazing crew has in my film career. It just may be a while before I feel like my little family will fit the culture.

I'm grateful my husband's past has made him the man he is today

           The list of what you want in a man that girls make every year from the time they are 12 is slightly misleading. Yes, it's a good guideline to look for the best man possible but perfection is impossible and the traits that are usually written may usually produce a good result but not always. My husband is an exception to many rules. If you look at his "resume" for marriage, you would never guess how impeccably amazing he is. Many of his best qualities were learned through some rough experiences and he decided to stick with God when he could've turned his back forever. I'd rather have a flawed man that I know will stand as a beacon of light during dark times, than a perfect man that as soon as they are faced with their first tough decision you don't know how they will respond because they have never faced it before. Dave is the bravest man I have ever met and others don't give him enough credit.

Silence vs. Violence

When we hear a tough message, we often resort to one of two unhealthy behaviors: Violence or Silence.

Violent: Aggressive, defensive, yelling, threatening, lash out, say things you don't mean in the heat of the moment, focused on being right, focused on being heard…etc

Silent: Withdraw from tough conversations, avoid the main issue, say you're okay with something when you're not, don't fully express your thoughts, give silent treatment, walk out of the room, wait later to voice opinion through electronic forms…etc

For example, let's say you are presenting an idea that means a lot to you in front of a group of people and the group is not thrilled with the idea. A violent person in this situation might take full control over the conversation defending why this is not only the BEST idea that's been presented but the ONLY idea they're willing to work on. They become bossy, shutting down the ideas/revisions of others, stuck on why they are right and the others are wrong. A silent person as the presenter might try and defend in the beginning, start withdrawing or avoiding comments but feel like it's a lost cause. Extreme silent people may even stop saying anything or get so frustrated they leave the conversation abruptly. They are also stuck on why they are right and the others are wrong. Neither personality leaves the meeting reassured nor happy. 

How to discover which behavior you tend to be: 

(note that you can often change with different people, places or phases of life)

Think to a conversation that didn't go well in your recent past. Now, think realistically of what emotions triggered you, then you physical response to the situation and then how these two things made you behave.

Violence Physical Triggers: Pointing fingers, hands on hips, raising voice, balling up fists, tense muscles, accelerated heartbeat…etc

Silence Physical Triggers: Folding arms, avoiding eye contact, tense muscles, knot in stomach, urge to cry, look for an escape route (door,) removing yourself from the room…etc

So, why should you care if you are a violence or a silence?

Honestly, there are negative repercussions to not resolving a problem fully. When a violent person lashes out, they may think that others are agreeing with them when in reality, they probably just lost a lot of respect for them. You may have just burned a bridge you didn't know about and it will take significant time to repair that relationship. When a silent person can't be honest they often turn to gossiping and venting to others instead of dealing with the person that can help solve the issue. In some cases, they can begin to have displacement issues in which they take the problems out on someone else. Either way, you let your emotions get in the way of coming to an agreeable resolution and are in a downward spiral of self-destruction. Believe it.

It's also very helpful to recognize when your emotions are taking control over yourself or recognizing these signs in another person so you can have healthier conversations. In these experience, you may  find yourself being able to calm your emotions before you resort to your violent or silent nature. 

Personally, finding out I'm an EXTREME silent has been such an eye opener to me. Making sense of the behaviors I don't like in myself, I can usually pinpoint a conversation that I avoided, didn't feel heard or even physically ran out of the room to get out of. It has hurt my relationships with others, it has significantly lowered my self esteem and at times I grovel to complaining to others about the situation instead of trying to fix it. 

Why I'm an extreme silence: 

-I say "It's fine" when I'm not or "I forgive you" when I haven't 

-I HATE/AVOID answering the phone even if I'm pretty sure the person on the other line will only say nice and flowery things
-I usually make a bullet point list of exactly what I am going to say on a phone call if I absolutely have to talk to someone

-I used to text serious conversations instead of being willing to talk face-to-face,  I cry when I feel uncomfortable 

-I would hold my breath until I got what I wanted as a child 

-I used to feel like I didn't belong in my family. They are all Violence in these situations, they are blunt, direct and it used to be very overwhelming to me. Being the only daughter that is truly silent (maybe Katie but she grew out of it) they didn't understand the way I worked and vice versa. 

-I hold grudges easily 

-I avoid grocery stores where I could possibly encounter someone I don't feel prepared to talk to, 

-there is always a point I become too overwhelmed to continue and physically RUN away from the situation. Ask my husband Dave, he can tell you a number of times that he has had to follow me out the door during a heated discussion, not necessarily to continue the conversation but to make sure I was safe roaming around Provo at 3am. 

I have had these habits for so long that I haven't fully resolved poorly handled situations emotionally. Thus resulting in projected the effects of negative experiences onto my expectations of others. So, if one person in my life has a pattern of falling short in being reliable, I expect anyone who cancels plans doesn't truly care about me and try to write them off forever. I also care deeply about my relationships with other people and have had a history of forgiving people too quickly, pretty much giving them permission to continue their poor behavior. By not talking to them about how much it actually hurt me, it prompted them to do it again. I knew Dave was good at conversations before I married him, the balance between violence and silence is where healthy dialogue falls. It also is something the Fesler's practice naturally with one another as well as letting go of the situations that you have no more control over instead of dwelling on them. 

Things I learned from working for The Food Network

-if the person in charge of you is a fast paced individual, match their level of intensity
-never ever ever look like you aren't doing something important
-no open walkies
-always have your headset on and ready to reply
-use common sense
-be detail oriented
-if they say "will you run to..." RUN
-no job is beneath a PA, so stop whining
-don't complain about other people
-hopefully "Chopped" will consider coming to Utah (they are fascinated by our food storage)
-eat the food at your own risk
-food in bulk is a great conversation starter at the grocery store
-call the stores to see if they have 170 lbs of meat before trying to go
-prepare to shower a lot and wash your clothes a lot
-always carry a leatherman
-it's better to have extra money at the end of the day than to not have enough
-do not wear low rise pants
-don't wait to be asked to do something, actively try to be helpful
-try to enjoy yourself

New year resolutions

If you write resolutions down, I hear you are more likely to accomplish them.

-Stop comparing myself to others. Especially stop comparing my weakest traits to others strengths. ( suggested by JiHye)

-Be more helpful. I get embarrassed when I need others so though I'm not in complete control over my situations, I can try and bless those who are blessing me.

-Visit all of my favorite childhood/growing up hiding places. I've been a bit cranky about returning to Utah and I got this idea from a song, in pursuit of being reminded why I love my hometown so much. Plus, I think it could be a good art project taking pictures of sentimental places with the people you experienced them with.

-Read more classic literature. I've dabbled in this area and have loved everything I've read. 

"Your clothes are soaked and you don't know where to go

So drop your chin and take yourself back home

And roll out your maps and papers

Find out your hiding places again."-the love club

Claire sang me to sleep today (while she was supposed to be napping)

Strangers

I like candid pictures...and taking of pictures of people I don't necessarily know. Near booming NYC attractions, it's easy to take pictures of people without them noticing (some I asked.)

Mrs. Doubtfire

What a selfie

Here are a few of my favorite things..

Shirley Temple's Save My Social Life

It's been a week of celebration in place of goodbye's.
Even if my length of stay is prolonged, I wouldn't be working with the same people in the same place at the same time again. I guess that's how the hustle and bustle of New York is all about.

Monday- SCENE 1 - Tom and Jerry's FRENEMIES WRAP PARTY INTERIOR
I stepped in dog poop twice in two blocks right before I arrived. Dave can't walk in a straight line and this habit of his runs me into a lot of things. Like dog poop.
Wrap parties are the best. I'm glad instead of teary goodbye's everyone just takes the time to relax and laugh. I don't drink. Sometimes it can be a little hard when everyone wants to do shots but is also wonderful because Shirley Temple's taste SO GOOD. Everyone got to meet Dave for the first time too and I'm happy to have a trophy husband. MMMMmmmm.
I am very surprised that I was even invited to the wrap party seeing that I was only an intern and even the producers weren't invited to our crew party....or other interns. Beth also took the time to give me a red moleskin with a handwritten "Thank You" inside. For me? Really?! Everyone else had a black moleskin and I'm pretty sure she gave me a red one because of my duties with blood on shoot days.

On my days off, I usually spend my time at the gym because I have a free two week pass and I miss the gym. I also saved up my days so that I could have it when it was too cold to run outside. I tried a recipe and added so much cornstarch it turned into a goo. Not my best creation.

Wednesday- a crew member of mine found out I'm going back to Utah for the time being and decided to try and get me a job to stay in NY. In one day I applied to a lot of jobs. It was slow in the office.

Thursday - SCENE 2 - Williams Abode - INTERIOR
I had sent a resume to my friend Jessica Cooper just for kicks and giggles and within a few hours I had an email from an executive producer in Salt Lake City. By 1:30 I was in an interview on a 6 person conference call, all because Jess gave me raving reviews.

Friday - SCENE 3- Atlas Media - INTERIOR
I receive news that the digital media team in Salt Lake really like me and if there is a job opening in the next week they will contact me. I also went out for "drinks" with two other interns right after work since it was Michaela's last day. There are loads of irish pubs near Atlas, I hadn't noticed until this night. They ordered two pitchers of beer and after a while, they got very giggly. There was this drunk man who looked just like Andrew Jarvis if he were black dancing in odd ways right behind Angelica so at times it was hard not to be distracted by him. The music was so loud that when I arrived home to greet Alex Page, I thought they were whispering when indeed their volume was normal.

Saturday - SCENE 4 - NYC - EXTERIOR
It was a crazy day to go to the city but Al Page was only with us for 24 hours and Dave designated me to be the tour guide on the snowiest coldest day. I must say I didn't do too poorly considering we hit Times Square, Rockefeller, 5th Avenue, Grand Central Station, Bryant Park and the Empire State Building. The weather was so numbing it hurt and in the morning Al didn't think he needed a coat. Despite our pleas and commands he decided to head into the city with a mere hoodie. Within 5 minutes of walking around, he was ready to find a store with coats and we directed him to a plethora of options at Uniqlo. We also ended up going to 3 more bars with Alex this day...which is actually quite funny but once again I got my friend "Shirley."

Sunday - SCENE 5 - Bloomfield - INTERIOR
The weather was so bad that church got canceled. Honestly, I don't think it was bad enough to cancel church but I guess I'm more used to snow than New Yorkers. It was also a big day because my dad got released as stake president....lets just say a lot can happen in 10 years and note that when he was called I was 13. Ben will be a great fit. Both Dave and I are very close with Ben and his family. Ron also got in early Sunday morning and it's a blast having him around. I like that Dave's parents even tease him. That nut.

Today is my last day at work. Sad face.

I believe in shirley temple's.

Screenshots

I'm going to be on TV (various episodes) in January. Oh joy. Haha, I find the scenes pretty ironic considering that I don't drink.