Giggling Like a Tween

Since I got drug tested Tuesday, we ate poppy seed chicken for dinner yesterday :)

Last night, penny slept in her own room...well at least for a couple of hours. Dave and I were so happy at the option of being loud that we ended up staying up late giggling like school girls at a sleepover.

It began as a confession. I'm a horrible liar and Dave could tell I was hiding something. Well, it's even harder to hide something when you have a shopping bag of things even though you were supposed to be at a church activity all evening. We began laughing so hard because he said that he's always trying to get me to buy things for myself and I felt so guilty because I thought he wanted me to stay for the "will" writing lesson.

Somehow it turned into reminiscing over our first flutterings of attraction towards each other. We admitted to truths that we were too embarrassed to think about before. How we felt when our hug was sabotaged, that my heart skipped a beat when he strolled up to the camp fire, how he texted to see if I were an activity before he made an appearance, how I thought about him while I was on dates with others and gradually stopped trying on those dates. Overall, I married the right guy. We have mutually cared about each other since the first day we met.

UnSpoken

There are so many times where I feel that I should've said something but I stopped myself. At times, I am grateful. For the few times I felt "brave" enough to spit out the truth, I have many regrets of the path it lead. But then there were the other times when the truth spoken in the wrong moment felt liberating.

I asked, "did you kiss her tonight?"
Chris said, "Let me explain..."
"I don't want an explanation, I just want an answer to the question."
"...yes."
"Then, we are done. You knew that this would be the result."

I walked out the backdoor of my home, leaving the 30 guests who were playing games at the party I organized and I ran. I don't know how long I was gone but I was gone long enough to know it was the right thing to break up with someone who doesn't respect me. As I walked back, I could see him on my front lawn in the swing and I hesitated at returning but I breathed in my courage and took the steps forward to his side.

He cried. It was ugly. I thought men didn't cry because they thought it wasn't manly but maybe it's because they aren't good at it. He begged for another chance. I simply reminded him this was already his second chance, she was my best friend (or so I thought) and the truth: I had lost all attraction to him the moment he cheated. I couldn't deny it. I wasn't angry or sad or worried I'd never find another. I simply lost interest.


David wasn't like the other boys. He focused on one girl at a time. It was new.

I didn't know there were people in the world like him. He wasn't interested in women that juggled a variety of men. Yet, somehow all I had known were guys who bragged about all of the mistakes they made so I thought that was the cool thing to do. I still don't know why Dave took a liking to me. We had conversations I actually looked forward to. He would keep his distance when he was dating other women. He became my best friend when I thought all of my other friends had forgotten me (or were stuck in Korea.) I loved him before we even dated, before our feet touched, before we kissed, before our elbows touched in the movie theater, before all of it I loved the person he was. Slowly, I fell in love with him as well and knew he was the best decision I ever met.

Tonight, We are Having a Baby

This weekend I got the fine opportunity to spend my weekend with the best group of gals around: my sisters and my mother. We were celebrating my mom's birthday but it really felt like it was all for me because it was everything I learned to love to do. We relaxed to a nice fancy dinner, I fell asleep early on a fantastic bed, woke up to a picturesque view of my sister snuggling her newborn, had a great breakfast and felt weightless as we floated around the pool for a while. When I think back on it, I just remember constant laughter. When we returned to Utah Valley and everyone was ready to disperse, I wasn't ready. I still long to see my family at all times but I've been trying not to dwell on it. 

Knowing when I'm having a baby made that feeling for my family more intense. On Monday evening, I sensed something I have never had an inkling before; I had a true fear of dying. The thing is, the complete desperation was not necessarily that I'm afraid of dying but the anxiety sprung due to the fact not only I wouldn't be able to experience my life with my husband & baby but that I would never see my family again. How do you feel prepared for something like that?

People at work ask me all the time, "Are you nervous?" and I want to respond, "duh. When was the last time you pushed a human out of your body?" but I usually respond with, "Sometimes, I just don't know what to expect." Then, they usually respond with a horror story. Thanks guys. On the upside, I got my performance reviews back from work. What a boost of confidence! They actually like me! They took me to lunch, they paid, they got me presents, they got me clothes and they have all been bidding me farewell with the kindest words/visits. 

I don't know how to feel today. I'm quite optimistic all things considering but mornings are always better than later in the day. I couldn't sleep past 5am but that way, I could watch the sunrise and attempt to look my best for the first time Penny will see me. I love that at 5:40am, Dave rolled over and said, "you would be awake" and that when I texted my mother that I miss her she took no hesitation in driving straight to my house. I'd rather stay this way, either I'm in denial about later this evening or I have too much spark for curiosity. Isn't it interesting that our bodies can go through immense amount of pain but not die? I find it very miraculous. Anyways, God be with you until we meet again my friends.

I believe in miracles.

Two Milestones Today

1. Today is Dave's Birthday! Yay! I have been ordered not to make it too big of a deal nor "worry" about ANYTHING today. We'll see if I pass.
2. We have all survived officially to 37 weeks of pregnancy, which is technically full-term! Go team (and yes, it has been a team effort.)

David Jonathan Fesler, the love of my life, is 27 years old. This past year has been the best of our lives! I may say that every year but it's true, being married to him just keeps getting better. What's new: 
-He tried out the mustache for a while
-Jobwise he went from freelancing in New York, then to Imagine Learning and now he's a big hot shot at Infogenix
-We've moved 3 times but it feels like 4 since some were in shifts
-He put a baby in me
-He helped remodel a house
-His choice of food has branched out (it sounds like I'm talking about a toddler in this one but it actually is very impressive)
-He snuggles me while he sleeps now
-We were dog sitters and now want one even more than ever before!
-He's more addicted to the gym than I ever was
And attempting to keep my promise of not making this day a huge deal, I'll stop there...for now.

37 Weeks Pregnant, what's new:
-For the most part I have considered myself a very lucky pregnant woman but even as I say that, I wonder if when I'm sitting here thinking how sane I feel, I'm pretty sure Dave has a more realistic idea of how it has progressed. He's the one who pushes my pregnant body out of the bed so I can use the restroom in the middle of the night, he is always willing to massage out restless legs and as far as mood swings Dave has seen the worst of it. If you want the nice version, ask me how I'm doing. If you want the real version, maybe Dave will confide in you.
-Dave doesn't complain about anything pregnancy wise and there is so much that could get on his nerves. I can't express enough appreciation that he doesn't make me feel bad because yes, sometimes I feel like a rotting beached whale.
-Penny seems to show up as "average" in everything. Hopefully this means she's a healthy baby and will continue to develop her great little bod.
-Penny is usually quite timid, if she is kicking me in an uncomfortable spot I can rub the area and she finds a better spot to dance on. This week however, she must have had a growth spurt because she seems very cramped inside and has decided she wants to punch her way through my left side. It must be frustrating to be stuck in such a small space.
-Penny gets the hiccups 2-3 times a day.
-Most of you already know I've had some pretty crazy cravings, I get asked about it a lot but they have slightly intensified on both the edible and non-edible side. Non-edible are mainly cleaning products including but not limited to: laundry detergent, nail polish remover, bleach, my lysol wipes at work always make my day better, dave's body wash...etc I've been taking iron pills to try and combat these cravings.
-I'm getting a brazilian wax. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, believe me, even the salon asked me if I really wanted to have it done. We'll see if I can tough out the whole thing. I can't get the numbing gel and it might induce labor but for some reason it is something I'm really looking forward to.
-I still get dizzy spells but I'm pretty used to and now have found some ways to manage them a bit better. My cardiologist says we're welcome to call him during delivery if anything seems out of place and his office happens to be just across the street. He also said that out of all of the heart conditions I could have, vasovagal is usually the safest for babies. Other than that, I get insomnia maybe once or twice a week and just get tired some nights more than others. The HR department at work thinks my shortness of breath is funny, they say they can tell when I'm pretty fed up with the day depending on how deep I sigh.

Birthing Class

Birthing Class - The First

I was very excited to be there. Questions I've always wondered were answered. I looked over to Dave with his wide eyed puppy dog face. While walking away from the room he said, "I had NO IDEA." This will be good for us :)

Happy 3 Year Anniversary!

I'm Grateful That I Didn't Accept My Dream Job

I have a lot of things I'm grateful for that are pretty obvious but lately, I have gratitude towards things that I never thought I'd hear myself say.

I'm grateful I've gained weight

          I have always been self-conscious about my body. I find the people around me gorgeous and would go home avoiding anything with a reflection. It didn't seem possible that I would actually enjoy the look of my pregnant body but it may be the fact that my sweet baby girl is inside growing inside or that the pregnancy hormones really change my attitude on life. Either way, I really like this shift in perspectives.

I'm grateful that I didn't accept my dream job 

          I have to repeat this  sentence to myself several times before I actually begin to believe it. Rejecting these jobs shocked me to my core and I dealt with some depression in the area for quite some time but the thing is I knew it was right for me even if I didn't know why yet. Spending 3 months away from my husband while pregnant would have been a nightmare, let's be honest. I wouldn't be making enough money for it to seem worth it and 16 hour days would probably literally kill me. Sundance however, seemed to be dangling it's temptation in front of me and even after visiting, there are parts of me that wished I had considered it more. The person who has the job I would've had is really struggling with it I guess and knowing I could've stepped up to the plate, twinges my heart just a tad. 

          HOWEVER, I would have felt much worse if I accepted the job but couldn't give 100% effort in the end. The days are long, hard and all-consuming. Currently, I have circulation issues and  I pass out a lot. With all of the driving, I could have been in a very dangerous position. I'm exhausted much easier and I feel that my physical inadequacy would tear at my self worth as well as my performance. Even thinking about it overwhelms me. I'm glad they were so understanding as well as so happy to see me when I went up to visit. The cool thing about film is that those who are successful take their commitments seriously and have learned the skill of staying positive in situations anyone would feel justified complaining about.  It creates a very warm and trustworthy environment. I love that. The job I did accept is better than I could've even imagined. I have something to do every day, I have people to see everyday, I have a purpose and I have been able to save up some money for the upcoming craziness of motherhood.

I'm grateful I learned to say "no"

        When you invest so much emotional energy into relationships like I do, saying no seems nearly heartbreaking. Honestly, I have needed to take this time away from freelance projects for both my emotional and physical stability. Often my time hasn't been respected and my clients haven't followed through so being okay with not accepting the prospect in the beginning clears up any confusion follow suite. I've committed to a couple of projects because the people are very dear to my heart. The lighter workload will really allow me some time to prepare for my baby. Being liberated from the constant worry of whether or not I'll get paid or whether or not I can get a project done on time has really made me a happier person. A much needed break may not last long but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. 

I'm grateful God exists. And that he is loving.

         At times, it's hard to trust that there is a higher power with all of the destruction, sorrow and loneliness in our current world. I want to be an anchor in my belief in God. There are times, I haven't let Him in and felt isolated. I don't see doubts as sinful but rather an enabler for empowerment in the area.We are encouraged to search and ponder before we feel confirmations in our hearts and the church wouldn't have been restored if Joseph Smith hadn't had questions. 

         Something that helps me believe is to remember that every plant, animal and thing has a creator on this earth and this subtly hints that the pattern can be applied on an enormous scale. Our Creator is very difficult to fathom but so is the fact that space is so broad, it is unlikely we will ever have the opportunity to explore it in it's entirety. When I see the pain and hurt within our own church, I must remind myself that our God is loving. While I don't understand everything, a loving God brings me comfort. If change happens, let it be but I don't feel entitled to have the church change for me. I change for God because he loved us enough to send us a Savior who understands pain better than any mortal.These thoughts may not satisfy you and that's okay, find your peace.

I'm grateful I'm not a man.

         I really want my daughter to know this about me. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful for the men in my life, they are very level headed and respect me as a member of an highly independent strong female family. I watched a documentary (that of course freaked me out) about how hard it is to raise a girl in this world without her feeling the pressure of being either a poster for a man or do everything that a man does simultaneously with women responsibilities. I'm having a daughter, she was created as a woman and I want her to be proud of that. I want her to know she has just as much potential as anyone else in this world. We aren't super heroes but I would like Penny to know there is a LOT of worth in being a woman just for the fact of being a WOMAN. 

I'm grateful I moved away from NYC

            I had an idealized view of New York before I moved there. People hype it up and in many ways, rightly so. We really enjoyed our stay and the people we met but no matter what I did, I was a misfit. I wish someone had warned me that it smells worse than Europe and that people value work there more than each other. It seems that your worth was determined by how many hours you worked last week or how much you make in a pay check rather than in other aspects. The hardest part about it for me, is I saw a lot of sadness that overtime rotted into bitterness. People who move to New York, do not move there to get the boring job. With a place filled with so much potential, it must also be filled with rejection. I felt like a lot of older people had lost their "sparkle" in their eyes, they didn't get their dream job as a Broadway music star and want to tell you by looking you in the eye with disgust. If you think you're going to make it, they are always there to say "you won't make it" "you are not good enough" or "I earned that." Of course that wasn't the case with everyone, I met a lot of optimistic people there too that had realistic views of their positions. 

           I just needed some time to realize that maybe it's not the place for me right now. I will love every time I visit. I definitely have friends that I will make an effort to see if I am out on the East coast. I really appreciate all of the job offers I have gotten from my connections and all of the faith my amazing crew has in my film career. It just may be a while before I feel like my little family will fit the culture.

I'm grateful my husband's past has made him the man he is today

           The list of what you want in a man that girls make every year from the time they are 12 is slightly misleading. Yes, it's a good guideline to look for the best man possible but perfection is impossible and the traits that are usually written may usually produce a good result but not always. My husband is an exception to many rules. If you look at his "resume" for marriage, you would never guess how impeccably amazing he is. Many of his best qualities were learned through some rough experiences and he decided to stick with God when he could've turned his back forever. I'd rather have a flawed man that I know will stand as a beacon of light during dark times, than a perfect man that as soon as they are faced with their first tough decision you don't know how they will respond because they have never faced it before. Dave is the bravest man I have ever met and others don't give him enough credit.

Dinosaur Knocking at My Door

Guys, I think about this ALL of the time. I don't know why. Worse things have happened. Don't be afraid of it. It's your friend.

April Fools

We put baking soda in Dave's water. With most of the responses we got from the prank it was shock, appalled and then spitting the water out.

Our eyes bugged out when we watched Dave chug the entire glass. He looked at us and said, "what?"

I guess he didn't taste a thing.

Spring

We are ready to play outside, you?

Fresh

Dave came home from work with a swag bag and was excited to show me the contents.
He pulled out a new pencil, sniffed it and said, "Ahhhh, a fresh number two."

Choices

I want to touch a bit on the power of choices.

There are people I love around the world.
Dave and I chose to move back to Utah from New York (despite my wailing and gnashing of teeth.)
It's hard for me to understand why we are here when the only paying jobs I seem to get offered are on the east coast.
I chose to be a bit bitter about it.
I feel like I'm shooting my career in the foot if I were to refuse to work on a show like this (see image above.)  I guess I would love advice. If I were to go back, Dave would be unable to come with for the shoot. If I don't, I'll digress.

I had an epiphany about Utah upon my return. The state haunts me. I avoid places I often see familiar faces on purpose. My fear has slowly gotten worse and moving to another state I thought for sure would be the cure. It wasn't. My revelation is not that I want to have a highschool reunion informercial speech prepared before I go shopping everyday, it's that I have people and situations in my past that I haven't fully been able to cope with. I wrote down experiences I don't share with many people that could potentially be effecting me and I dug up deeply rooted hurt and sadness. Basically, I need to work through these until they are no longer effecting my present day life. I need to be back in charge of my own life. I'm a different person, a bully in middle school should not still make me believe all men are untrustworthy. I guess I don't know what my next step should be.

I choose to admit I need serious help.

Can't wait for warmer weather.

Few Of My Favorite Things from Fesler Films on Vimeo.

Shirley Temple's Save My Social Life

It's been a week of celebration in place of goodbye's.
Even if my length of stay is prolonged, I wouldn't be working with the same people in the same place at the same time again. I guess that's how the hustle and bustle of New York is all about.

Monday- SCENE 1 - Tom and Jerry's FRENEMIES WRAP PARTY INTERIOR
I stepped in dog poop twice in two blocks right before I arrived. Dave can't walk in a straight line and this habit of his runs me into a lot of things. Like dog poop.
Wrap parties are the best. I'm glad instead of teary goodbye's everyone just takes the time to relax and laugh. I don't drink. Sometimes it can be a little hard when everyone wants to do shots but is also wonderful because Shirley Temple's taste SO GOOD. Everyone got to meet Dave for the first time too and I'm happy to have a trophy husband. MMMMmmmm.
I am very surprised that I was even invited to the wrap party seeing that I was only an intern and even the producers weren't invited to our crew party....or other interns. Beth also took the time to give me a red moleskin with a handwritten "Thank You" inside. For me? Really?! Everyone else had a black moleskin and I'm pretty sure she gave me a red one because of my duties with blood on shoot days.

On my days off, I usually spend my time at the gym because I have a free two week pass and I miss the gym. I also saved up my days so that I could have it when it was too cold to run outside. I tried a recipe and added so much cornstarch it turned into a goo. Not my best creation.

Wednesday- a crew member of mine found out I'm going back to Utah for the time being and decided to try and get me a job to stay in NY. In one day I applied to a lot of jobs. It was slow in the office.

Thursday - SCENE 2 - Williams Abode - INTERIOR
I had sent a resume to my friend Jessica Cooper just for kicks and giggles and within a few hours I had an email from an executive producer in Salt Lake City. By 1:30 I was in an interview on a 6 person conference call, all because Jess gave me raving reviews.

Friday - SCENE 3- Atlas Media - INTERIOR
I receive news that the digital media team in Salt Lake really like me and if there is a job opening in the next week they will contact me. I also went out for "drinks" with two other interns right after work since it was Michaela's last day. There are loads of irish pubs near Atlas, I hadn't noticed until this night. They ordered two pitchers of beer and after a while, they got very giggly. There was this drunk man who looked just like Andrew Jarvis if he were black dancing in odd ways right behind Angelica so at times it was hard not to be distracted by him. The music was so loud that when I arrived home to greet Alex Page, I thought they were whispering when indeed their volume was normal.

Saturday - SCENE 4 - NYC - EXTERIOR
It was a crazy day to go to the city but Al Page was only with us for 24 hours and Dave designated me to be the tour guide on the snowiest coldest day. I must say I didn't do too poorly considering we hit Times Square, Rockefeller, 5th Avenue, Grand Central Station, Bryant Park and the Empire State Building. The weather was so numbing it hurt and in the morning Al didn't think he needed a coat. Despite our pleas and commands he decided to head into the city with a mere hoodie. Within 5 minutes of walking around, he was ready to find a store with coats and we directed him to a plethora of options at Uniqlo. We also ended up going to 3 more bars with Alex this day...which is actually quite funny but once again I got my friend "Shirley."

Sunday - SCENE 5 - Bloomfield - INTERIOR
The weather was so bad that church got canceled. Honestly, I don't think it was bad enough to cancel church but I guess I'm more used to snow than New Yorkers. It was also a big day because my dad got released as stake president....lets just say a lot can happen in 10 years and note that when he was called I was 13. Ben will be a great fit. Both Dave and I are very close with Ben and his family. Ron also got in early Sunday morning and it's a blast having him around. I like that Dave's parents even tease him. That nut.

Today is my last day at work. Sad face.

I believe in shirley temple's.

and other Spikey Objects

On Monday I went to Harlem for Equipment returns.

On Tuesday I took 4 TESTS. Took me 5 1/2 hours. It did not feel like a day off. I took the test at the Manhattan LDS institute, the missionaries would look at me oddly when they walked by because I often did jumping jacks and there were several deaf investigators in the office (whom I deeply wanted to sign with but wasn't allowed since I was taking tests for a super long time.) I have to be completely finished with my Statistics class by November 19 to officially graduate and it took seven weeks for my first test to get here. So that's the story. My final is on November 19, if any of you want to pray for this girl here.

On Wednesday I made a wardrobe breakdown and filed receipts (oh joy.) I also forgot a lunch for the first time since I got here so I chose a random place to eat. Wok to Walk turned out to be much better than I had originally anticipated. I wasn't going to start another book until after my Statistics class but I couldn't help but snag a cheap copy of Jane Eyre.

On Thursday I ran 6.5 miles in the rain. Dave went to the gym when I did it because he didn't want to run but I guess it wasn't raining in Clifton so he didn't know I was getting drenched. We also watched Kate and Leopold (based in New York) which was my favorite movie when I was 14 and Dave LOVED it, he was hesitant at first but ended up yelling for joy at the romantic parts.

Friday was November 8, I met Dave five years ago on this day at a Latin Dance. He wouldn't dance with me then so I was determined to go to a dance this evening. I found a dance but it ended up being for people older than 50 (HOW AM I SO BAD AT FINDING PARTIES?!) so we ditched that idea. I fell asleep super early and woke up 4 hours later, then I couldn't fall asleep again until 5:30 where I was woken by the sounds of an 11 year old playing the clarinet. At least I was grateful for my dear parents who endured me learning 6 DIFFERENT INSTRUMENTS in my youth.

Saturday Dave and I went into the city. We walked through Central Park (still absolutely gorgeous right now btw.) We went through the Natural History Museum (I was hoping to see Ben Stiller but unfortunately didn't get to.) We entered the Broadway lottery for Matilda and WON. I never win anything so it was a pretty big deal. We went to the closest cheapest restaurant and I randomly got to see my dear friend Katie Burdick who was only in the city for a day-trip. MATILDA WAS AMAZING! I'm glad dave has finally seen a play in which there was phenomenal acting, phenomenal music, and phenomenal messages. I was very pleased that it was clean and absent of the big league cuss words (that means a lot to me) because then you can really enjoy the pure talent without the cheap tricks. It got out at 10:39 so we ran to the bus to catch it on time. We were there by 10:44 but the bus had ALREADY LEFT, I'm still angry that they left early, it wasn't fair.

I believe in children.

Billionaires

At the party of all parties we played a game that if all expenses paid, what would we get each other for our birthdays? Here are our presents:

Presents for DAVE:

• A full body wax-from Linda
• A labradoodle-from Himself
• A yellow lab, a home by the lake, a wood watch, all of the shoes he could even think of wanting to buy and a european cruise-from me
• Tickets to E3-from Dan Lewis
• I'd pay his parking ticket so he can go to Wisconsin-from Katie
• A lake-from Papa
• A boy- from Saide (age 3)
• A motorcycle with built in guns-from Seth (age 10)
• Apple-from Buddy (age 13)
• A football shirt-from Eden (age 8)
• A waterballoon  on his face-from Mary (age 10)
• I'd drop all of my money on him in ones, as a prank-from Kim
• A bow-from Anna (age 8)
• The Nike franchise and all the equipment and toys-from Mama E

Presents for LIZI:

• A baby bedroom set-from Linda
• A ranch with horses-from Dave
• An Oscar winning film starring Dan Lewis- from Dan
• A horse camp to run-from Katie
• A horse farm-from Papa
• A birdie-from Sadie (age 3)
• A steeler's shirt-from Andrew (age 8)
• A bomb-from Seth (age 10)
• Microsoft-from Buddy (age 13)
• An art set-from Eden (age 8)
• A billiondollar camera-from Mary (age 10)
• A horse farm and studio-from Kim
• A head band-from Anna (age 8)
• I'd buy her Sundance, all of it- from Mama E

Presents for our UNBORN CHILD: 

(no this is not an announcement)

• A baby bjorn with a camera attachment-from Linda
• A labradoodle-from Dave
• A running stroller-from Lizi
• The gift of my name-from Dan
• A night-nanny-from Katie
• A house-from Papa
• A phone-from Sadie (age 3)
• A toy-from Andrew (age 8)
• A mini gun-from Seth (age10)
• Mars-from Buddy (age 13)
• Baby Clothes-from Eden (age 8)
• A mini car-from Mary (age 10)
• Tickets to visit their favorite Aunt Kim-from Kim
• A dress-from Anna
• An entourage of family and friends to help in every way-from Mama E

Mentos

Dave tried Mentos for the first time last night.
He has put them  up his nose and made rockets out of them before but he never actually tasted them until last night.

It was the most daring act I could get him to do. We're making progress in the mischievous department quite slowly.

Gail Halvorsen- The Candy Bomber

One of the many perks of working at a motion picture studio is you get to meet fantastic people. Even when a few visitors seem vaguely familiar, it's usually someone famous. Today, Gail Halvorsen came to visit Blair Treu (Blair gets the coolest visitors) and before he arrived Blair was telling me about his legacy. Apparently, Mr. Halvorsen is who many claim stopped WWIII. After a few of his stories I thought hey, he delivered candy from the sky and that would have been enough for me to think he's awesome but he also has a wikipedia page I couldn't resist. Feel free to check him out here!

My Irrational Love for Valentines Day

I have always ADORED Valentines Day, it never mattered whether I had a significant other in my life or not. In one way, I can partially blame this irrational obsession on my good friend Jessica Payton because this is her favorite holiday by far and she always had extravagant plans to celebrate. Since she is in Cape Verde this year, Sonia and I will honor her next week by re-instating Annual Skirt Week (you'll find out about it, don't worry.) To honor Sonia, I'm wearing the huge heart ring she gave me yesterday on a cupcake. And to honor this day, I dyed my hair red and after doing so I tried for a long time to get the perfect self timer picture and I failed hard core.

As for today today, I need to brag about my husband. It wasn't even noon and he already spoiled me with flowers, chocolate frogs, balloons and a stuffed animal. Who knows what's next!  We were both a little sad we would have to work today but it has turned out quite lovely, I get to deliver a ton of flowers and have gotten a lot of free food and treats. Dave's on surprise duty tonight and I'm sure that he'll do a perfect job. He is my happy ending.

3 Things 2012 Taught Me

1. Natural is always better.
Face the world, literally, not behind an inch of face-paint. I'm not saying that you should not look presentable in the day, or have an aura of carelessness because that won't get you very far. The more honest I've been with myself, the more sincere others have been to me, the better. This also applies to filmmaking. Pictures and Video always look better when taken with natural light so next time you've got a camera in your hand, take them next to a window before you snap the shot. Believe me, it's changed my life and entire perspective (one of the reasons I loved the new Tom Hooper's Les Miserables is because it was right down my alley of raw emotion, shallow depth of field and imperfections in voice and lighting. Plus, the entire cinematography of establishing shots, coloring and awkward angles were divine! If you can't tell, your friends can't help but share how they felt about the production because how intimate they came with the storyline. Think about that, extreme close ups.)

2. I want to see the world.
I want to see it for what it really is, I yearn for it's complexity. This was awakened in my soul this year, I've always loved to travel but I didn't realize the gift my parents gave me growing up when we went to other countries with the people that actually live there, it wasn't glamorized, we focused less time on the tourism hotspots but rather the people. I'll willingly admit of my wanderlust and appreciate National Geographic giving me ideas for future destinations here. We almost lived outside of the country for the first 6 months of 2013 but had to turn it down, I'm disappointed in some ways but know that it didn't work out for a reason (I look forward to that reason too.)

3. We are good enough. I ache for opportunities to empower others (but must first accept myself simultaneously.)
I've been well aware of where I fell short this year, especially my fears which I had hoped would dissolve into my past instead of stick to me like wet socks. Allow yourself to be happy where you are and recognize that sometimes it is best to accept it and move on. Although I sound like a toddler when saying it, "I can do hard things" is a powerful statement you can tell yourself often. Getting over myself has been so hard and yet it's one of the reasons why I long to go other places, I want to progress so I can be a part of the progression of my fellow beings.  If you've had a year that you feel like your prayers keep calling a busy tone like me; look at what you have accomplished instead of what you couldn't get around to, look at your less than symmetrical face reveling in the fact that strangeness is beauty and say "Good Enough" more.

Other things I learned.
-I love Indie Music and resisted it for so long.
-I guess Dave and I are hipsters? Not the trendy kind or the grungy kind but my family voted us as them. Whatever that means.
-The cold is good for me.
-I like the second year of marriage even better than the first.
-I make more friends by playing volleyball.
-How to use my camera.
-Anger.
-Not every weekend needs a party.