So when can I call myself a photographer or a filmmaker?

My words exactly.

http://jasonandjenniebrown.blogspot.com/2015/10/so-youre-photographer-now.html

Photography/Film is not for the insecure. Yet, I fall under that category as I’m sure many do. 

I feel that Jennie expressed the inner conflict so perfectly in her post. I see several images like this “I was ready to walk away forever and somehow we keep going.” I think the personalities in this field can be painted very stereotypically as overcharging, mommy-blogging, outgoing, trend-searching, financially insane, abrasive self-sellers but we are so much more complex than that. It’s a competitive field, that’s true but not all of us are ruthless. It seems that so many forget the hours spent in dark rooms, late at night, finishing edits. Or the fact that it’s an art, truly that grabs our eye or breaths life into the world around us not the top ten poses with the exact same smile. Truly, what I find most intriguing about film and photography is it has endless opportunities to learn something new. I want to know EVERYTHING and honestly? I don’t think it’s possible, but I’ve loved the process of trying to get to the proclaimed “expert.” Not because I want a pay-raise but because each time something clicks, it’s EXHILARATING.

My personal win: (don’t read if you don’t care, I’m not trying to brag but trying to document moments like this so when I’m feeling insecure and need to remember why I do what I do.)

I was contacted two weeks ago from a woman I have always admired. To be honest, "admire" is an understatement. If it were up to me to choose whose voice would narrate my life in my own head or in a movie, she’d be my choice (sounds like HONEY.) She was interested in me taking her family pictures. Immediately I thought that it must be a mistake. She was either recruited by my mom begging her or because she pitied my financial situation. Furthermore, SHE’s a photographer and pretty much living my ideal life (living in Sundance, travels the world to empower women and save wildlife, independently wealthy, incredible curly hair…etc) We scheduled it, I researched my butt off to try and be the best I could for her and then her grandkids got sick so we postponed the shoot but she invited me to dinner. Even though I knew I would love sitting and listening to the sounds of nature with her, I was nervous she would see how much I wanted to make her happy. It helped me to go up and see the style of photos she likes and how it is hard to capture her soul as accurately as she is but as she talked to me she kept saying phrases like, “Your style is so natural” or “this photo is like what I’ve seen of yours; bright and joyous” or “it’s why I was originally drawn to your work.” Meg doesn’t lie and those small tidbits of words hinted that she KNEW my work. More than that, SHE liked MY work and had faith I could capture her. I felt that the experience was the greatest compliment I have ever received. 

You know the question that people ask, "if you could have a meal with anyone, who would it be?" I feel lucky because the person I would choose actually gives me the privilege to be invited up to her home on occasion.

If you ever worry you’ll never be good enough. Whether it’s something you are passionate or not, the book “Editing” by Justin Chang has proven to me that we’re not alone (at least in the film industry.)

“For a long time, psychologically, I never felt I was good enough. All the other editors I worked with were so sure of themselves; they were all so well spoken and loquacious. I could never talk like that.” -Michael Kahn (Steven Spielberg editor)

“If something doesn’t seem quite right and you don’t really know why, simplify.” -Anne Coates (Oscar winning editor)

“If editing is anything, it’s telling a story and applying a rhythm to that story.”-Richard Marks (editor of Godfather: Part II, Apocalypse Now, Say Anything, You’ve Got Mail…etc)

“Film schools can teach you technique, but they can’t teach you pacing and rhythm; those are things you have to have in you to begin with, or you have to teach and train yourself.”-Valdis Oskarsdottir (Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind editor)

I Am Free

July is about freedom, right? So how did you free yourself this July?

It’s been a monumental month for my family and I. A new years goal I have constantly been trying to attain is….don’t let the things you are afraid of, hold you back any longer. That covers a lot of areas, would it for you? What are you afraid of saying? What are you afraid of looking like? Who are you too embarrassed to see because of something you did wrong? Are you accomplishing your what if’s? I tend to run from problems and try to hide under a rock but I’m not fooling anybody. 

I have spent too long hating myself.

I am free.

I am free to love the man of my dreams. He loves, respects and treats me very well.

I am no longer afraid to say I need anxiety medication.

I am free to feel peace.

I am free to feel better about myself

I am free to eat food that provides energy and long lasting nutrition

I am no longer ashamed to ask for money for my profession. 

I am no longer afraid to ask questions

I am no longer embarrassed of my work, each project has taught me millions.

I am free to research, zone out and learn as much as I can to become better.

I am no longer afraid to express my deep love for animals.

I am not afraid to disagree with someone, as long as I do so respectfully, with candor and honesty.

I am going to be free of destructive friends and not feel guilty about it.

I am not afraid to cry.

I am not afraid to dance.

I am free to say no. 

I am free to smile. 

I am free to make friends everywhere I go. (A few of those consist of a make up artist from Macy’s, the woman I sat next to on the plane, anyone I choose to sit next to at social events…etc)

I am no longer afraid to stand up for those I care about. They are worth it.

Yesterday, on our walk, I felt the full benefits of my freedoms. We are living our dreams. I watched my husband run full speed, barefoot, in a meadow, with a giant dog by his side. I know how happy that makes him. I watched my baby discover many new objects with great curiosity. I woke up early this morning, ran in the rain and finished a package of photos for a client. I have lost 20 lbs and feel that since I can get over an addiction to sugar, I can do anything.

I think of where I was on the 2nd of July: Anxious, Tired, Nervous about July, Depressed, Unmotivated, Spiritually hesitant, ashamed of myself, stuck, feeling worthless, and avoiding everyone. My symptoms became life-threatening. I couldn’t even fathom attempting to survive last week of the month. Last week happened, things didn’t go perfectly but I did what I could with what I had and was able to let go of the things I couldn’t control. There are triumphs worth celebrating. July is that for me and it once again returning to my favorite month position.

2 1/2 Months - What's new

PENNY
-SMILES. They melt my heart. I try to go to bed but if Penny flashes that smile at me, some how an hour has past without me realizing it.

Penny showing her namesake her mad singing skills.

-She loves being sung to and loves singing. Believe me, we went to Lucy Bradshaw's Annie performance and Penny was not quiet about how she wanted to sing the songs so we spent that time in the hallway. We heard this past week from Becca that she doesn't care if the person is deaf, she still loves being sung to. I heard from Isaac Bradshaw that she likes the song "Everything is Awesome," Erika thinks she prefers music from Phantom of the Opera, our upstair neighbor girls sing "A Life That's Good" from the TV show Nashville and Papa has had the song "Little Girls" stuck in his head for a while now. Penny and I always listen to music to dance/sing to while making food and some of her favorites for that activity are "Pennies from Heaven," "Didn't Leave Nobody but the Baby" (such a sad song,) "Parachute" and "Fresh Feeling." I have a musical baby guys.
-Her reflux still makes her fussy most nights but it's not half as bad as it used to be. We are so happy about modern medicine.
-Penny filled out. She has big eyes but now that she has put on some weight, her eyes look significantly smaller than they used to. She uses her cheeks as a head rest on her shoulders. She has a triple chin that we call her "4 smiles."
-Had her first Thanksgiving and already perfected the food coma! We snuggled all day last Thursday, it was the best gift she could have given me.


DAVE
-Blessed our child and did such a wonderful job at it.

-Got called up to speak on a whim. Or so he thinks. Since she didn't get blessed on a fast Sunday, I was a bit bummed that I wouldn't have a good excuse to force Dave to bear his testimony. So secretly I prayed that somehow he would be called up to speak. The Sunday before her blessing, Penny pooped through her outfit during Sacrament so I went to the changing room. We were the only ones in there so when the bishop explained he would be picking people randomly from the audience to bear their testimonies, both of us said "Dave Fesler" after every pick. Then, Bishop said "Brother Fesler" and Penny smiled so big. We hurried back in and the nervous daddy gave a great testimony on love.
-Decided he didn't like the current lights on our Christmas tree so he cut them all off (believe it or not it's very time consuming to do) and bought new ones.
-Dances with Penny every night to this song (stop before 1:55) Penny kicks along ferciously and takes her dancing very seriously.

LIZI
-Went back to work and put in her two weeks notice. She misses Penny so much during the day and has decided that she can get way too caught up in work so she has to cut it off. I have had mixed feelings about leaving the workforce ever since I started. As soon as I could run after giving birth, that's what I would focus all of my energy into. Deciding what to do even though I have had an inkling since March. We tried every option and my position honestly wouldn't work part time or at home. So I'm looking for a worthy replacement.
-Contributed to the production of this web series (I did a little on this BSGuys but more on a few others that are scheduled to come out once a month...)

-Christmas has occupied so much of my time. I'm so worried about it! Dave has always been a great gift-giver and this year I wanted to be a great one too. So I made lists and took notes all year long of things he mentioned he likes and I'm ALL IN. I'm spending money that I usually wouldn't. THIS IS MY YEAR. It's gonna be good...

Tonight, We are Having a Baby

This weekend I got the fine opportunity to spend my weekend with the best group of gals around: my sisters and my mother. We were celebrating my mom's birthday but it really felt like it was all for me because it was everything I learned to love to do. We relaxed to a nice fancy dinner, I fell asleep early on a fantastic bed, woke up to a picturesque view of my sister snuggling her newborn, had a great breakfast and felt weightless as we floated around the pool for a while. When I think back on it, I just remember constant laughter. When we returned to Utah Valley and everyone was ready to disperse, I wasn't ready. I still long to see my family at all times but I've been trying not to dwell on it. 

Knowing when I'm having a baby made that feeling for my family more intense. On Monday evening, I sensed something I have never had an inkling before; I had a true fear of dying. The thing is, the complete desperation was not necessarily that I'm afraid of dying but the anxiety sprung due to the fact not only I wouldn't be able to experience my life with my husband & baby but that I would never see my family again. How do you feel prepared for something like that?

People at work ask me all the time, "Are you nervous?" and I want to respond, "duh. When was the last time you pushed a human out of your body?" but I usually respond with, "Sometimes, I just don't know what to expect." Then, they usually respond with a horror story. Thanks guys. On the upside, I got my performance reviews back from work. What a boost of confidence! They actually like me! They took me to lunch, they paid, they got me presents, they got me clothes and they have all been bidding me farewell with the kindest words/visits. 

I don't know how to feel today. I'm quite optimistic all things considering but mornings are always better than later in the day. I couldn't sleep past 5am but that way, I could watch the sunrise and attempt to look my best for the first time Penny will see me. I love that at 5:40am, Dave rolled over and said, "you would be awake" and that when I texted my mother that I miss her she took no hesitation in driving straight to my house. I'd rather stay this way, either I'm in denial about later this evening or I have too much spark for curiosity. Isn't it interesting that our bodies can go through immense amount of pain but not die? I find it very miraculous. Anyways, God be with you until we meet again my friends.

I believe in miracles.

Update on the Wax

I figured that I don't have many male followers, it's hard for me to picture my brother in laws anxiously waiting to hear about my baby so I thought I could share just a slight bit about brazilian waxing while pregnant.

I don't recommend it but I didn't hate it.

3 Reasons I liked it:
-I feel cleaner-both looks and smells! Hopefully this gesture will also show some appreciation for the 30 people that have to be in the delivery room? Who am I kidding, they don't care but I'd like to think so.
-I found better ways to deal with physical pain and anxious anticipation. Surprisingly, it calmed some of my fears about labor. I'm not saying that waxing is easier than labor but I am saying that I like feeling better prepared.
-I like to prove to myself that I can do hard things. There were quite a few times I was ready to call it quits but I didn't, I got my moneys worth and came out feeling like I could conquer the world.

3 Reasons I will never wax again while pregnant:
-As far as looks, I did not fit into the "salon" scene at all. I have never felt more like a cow. It didn't help that it took my appointment 45 minutes longer than the average waxing because we had a larger area to cover.
-I was swollen for a few days after. This included shaking for hours after the procedure and contributed to waddling even more than before. Blood flows more. So the most painful part was not the first tug, it was the 30 seconds after.
-Turns out skin rips. Worse, you don't get to choose where it rips.

Two Milestones Today

1. Today is Dave's Birthday! Yay! I have been ordered not to make it too big of a deal nor "worry" about ANYTHING today. We'll see if I pass.
2. We have all survived officially to 37 weeks of pregnancy, which is technically full-term! Go team (and yes, it has been a team effort.)

David Jonathan Fesler, the love of my life, is 27 years old. This past year has been the best of our lives! I may say that every year but it's true, being married to him just keeps getting better. What's new: 
-He tried out the mustache for a while
-Jobwise he went from freelancing in New York, then to Imagine Learning and now he's a big hot shot at Infogenix
-We've moved 3 times but it feels like 4 since some were in shifts
-He put a baby in me
-He helped remodel a house
-His choice of food has branched out (it sounds like I'm talking about a toddler in this one but it actually is very impressive)
-He snuggles me while he sleeps now
-We were dog sitters and now want one even more than ever before!
-He's more addicted to the gym than I ever was
And attempting to keep my promise of not making this day a huge deal, I'll stop there...for now.

37 Weeks Pregnant, what's new:
-For the most part I have considered myself a very lucky pregnant woman but even as I say that, I wonder if when I'm sitting here thinking how sane I feel, I'm pretty sure Dave has a more realistic idea of how it has progressed. He's the one who pushes my pregnant body out of the bed so I can use the restroom in the middle of the night, he is always willing to massage out restless legs and as far as mood swings Dave has seen the worst of it. If you want the nice version, ask me how I'm doing. If you want the real version, maybe Dave will confide in you.
-Dave doesn't complain about anything pregnancy wise and there is so much that could get on his nerves. I can't express enough appreciation that he doesn't make me feel bad because yes, sometimes I feel like a rotting beached whale.
-Penny seems to show up as "average" in everything. Hopefully this means she's a healthy baby and will continue to develop her great little bod.
-Penny is usually quite timid, if she is kicking me in an uncomfortable spot I can rub the area and she finds a better spot to dance on. This week however, she must have had a growth spurt because she seems very cramped inside and has decided she wants to punch her way through my left side. It must be frustrating to be stuck in such a small space.
-Penny gets the hiccups 2-3 times a day.
-Most of you already know I've had some pretty crazy cravings, I get asked about it a lot but they have slightly intensified on both the edible and non-edible side. Non-edible are mainly cleaning products including but not limited to: laundry detergent, nail polish remover, bleach, my lysol wipes at work always make my day better, dave's body wash...etc I've been taking iron pills to try and combat these cravings.
-I'm getting a brazilian wax. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, believe me, even the salon asked me if I really wanted to have it done. We'll see if I can tough out the whole thing. I can't get the numbing gel and it might induce labor but for some reason it is something I'm really looking forward to.
-I still get dizzy spells but I'm pretty used to and now have found some ways to manage them a bit better. My cardiologist says we're welcome to call him during delivery if anything seems out of place and his office happens to be just across the street. He also said that out of all of the heart conditions I could have, vasovagal is usually the safest for babies. Other than that, I get insomnia maybe once or twice a week and just get tired some nights more than others. The HR department at work thinks my shortness of breath is funny, they say they can tell when I'm pretty fed up with the day depending on how deep I sigh.

Moving to New York City

You never know what to expect when you move, until you just take the leap of faith and try it. 

I was determined to move to NYC for a few reasons. I didn't want to break the bank (we have family there,) I wanted a creditable film experience and I wanted it to be far enough from home that I felt that I accurately tried living on my "own" with Dave. The result was pretty interesting since I ended up feeling closer to family more than ever, seeing the importance of believing strongly and reality check in the area of film. 

My relationship with Dave grew so immensely I can hardly imagine how we functioned before New York. Our communication grew as we discussed daily, merging our goals and exploring the direction of our future. The social pressure of always having an exciting thing to do on the weekend eased as we found joy in the simple aspects of life: dates might consist of going to a used book store, jogging in the nearby park or sipping some hot coco with a dog sprawled on our lap (surprising considering the city "never sleeps.") Don't get me wrong, we made a point to sightsee but when I think back on the experience, those usually weren't the moments I cherished the most. Other than Christmastime which is truly magical in the city.

Even more than our marriage, we grew closer to the Williams (probably too close for their comfort) and appreciated their innovative perspectives on life. I learned for the first time in my life that I do actually desire conversation and am willing to sacrifice my fear of using the phone to call my siblings, parents and friends more often. I felt more involved than I thought I would living thousands of miles away and looked forward to our weekend excursions to Oneonta to visit the Noorlanders (for a breath of fresh air in comparison to city streets.)

I found out I really like commuting, I could fully immerse myself into books and made a point in reading the classics that I hadn't given a chance before. Every morning as I stepped out of the bus station I would pause for a minute, taking in the strangers, the bustle and my surroundings. By doing that, I felt that I allowed myself to truly appreciate the effort that went into getting into that spot. 

I realized that film was making me desperate. I recognized that up through the point of moving, I had very self centered motives and had dragged Dave around with me in hopes of a satisfaction that is unattainable. I wanted my future to be different and if putting my film career on the back burner for a while, I knew the importance of acting on that intuition. I remember the day it all changed for me and I knew I wouldn't be staying in NYC, or at least staying at that film company. The head of Development (his job is to think all day about the content of potential TV shows and research how successful they would be) was explaining that the number one goal of a TV show is to bring in revenue. Then, he added that there are a few sure fire subjects to making money: drugs, murder and sex. He wanted to point out that if we didn't want to work with at least one of those topics, we weren't ever going to make a lot of money in this industry. That's when I knew it would be fine if I didn't "make it" in the film industry. 

You might already have a hint at how much I admired my crew members and part of that is they didn't only encourage my knowledge on the technical aspects of film but they challenged my beliefs. Not in a negative way, not in a way that I felt they were trying to fight with me but in a way that made me stand taller. You wouldn't guess it in the beginning but we were all so different and believed a variety of things that it made us respect each other that much more. They didn't understand everything that I had grown up learning and I didn't understand a lot of the practices they did but through the diversity of religion in the city, they judged me by my character/personality instead of the fact I was LDS.

So on the anniversary of moving to New York, it's good to take a look back at the things I'm grateful for as well as the things that have changed in the past year. 

Babies

So...my sister had a baby today. And I watched it happen. 

The adrenaline that has run throughout my body today has been unimaginable, resulting in peaks of excitement followed by sudden crashes in emotion. I thought as an adult your feelings stabilized a bit but I don't know if that's true. Here are pictures of Erika and I that we took last week. When both of us still had our babies inside of our bodies...

And introducing....Ryker Price :)

I'm Grateful That I Didn't Accept My Dream Job

I have a lot of things I'm grateful for that are pretty obvious but lately, I have gratitude towards things that I never thought I'd hear myself say.

I'm grateful I've gained weight

          I have always been self-conscious about my body. I find the people around me gorgeous and would go home avoiding anything with a reflection. It didn't seem possible that I would actually enjoy the look of my pregnant body but it may be the fact that my sweet baby girl is inside growing inside or that the pregnancy hormones really change my attitude on life. Either way, I really like this shift in perspectives.

I'm grateful that I didn't accept my dream job 

          I have to repeat this  sentence to myself several times before I actually begin to believe it. Rejecting these jobs shocked me to my core and I dealt with some depression in the area for quite some time but the thing is I knew it was right for me even if I didn't know why yet. Spending 3 months away from my husband while pregnant would have been a nightmare, let's be honest. I wouldn't be making enough money for it to seem worth it and 16 hour days would probably literally kill me. Sundance however, seemed to be dangling it's temptation in front of me and even after visiting, there are parts of me that wished I had considered it more. The person who has the job I would've had is really struggling with it I guess and knowing I could've stepped up to the plate, twinges my heart just a tad. 

          HOWEVER, I would have felt much worse if I accepted the job but couldn't give 100% effort in the end. The days are long, hard and all-consuming. Currently, I have circulation issues and  I pass out a lot. With all of the driving, I could have been in a very dangerous position. I'm exhausted much easier and I feel that my physical inadequacy would tear at my self worth as well as my performance. Even thinking about it overwhelms me. I'm glad they were so understanding as well as so happy to see me when I went up to visit. The cool thing about film is that those who are successful take their commitments seriously and have learned the skill of staying positive in situations anyone would feel justified complaining about.  It creates a very warm and trustworthy environment. I love that. The job I did accept is better than I could've even imagined. I have something to do every day, I have people to see everyday, I have a purpose and I have been able to save up some money for the upcoming craziness of motherhood.

I'm grateful I learned to say "no"

        When you invest so much emotional energy into relationships like I do, saying no seems nearly heartbreaking. Honestly, I have needed to take this time away from freelance projects for both my emotional and physical stability. Often my time hasn't been respected and my clients haven't followed through so being okay with not accepting the prospect in the beginning clears up any confusion follow suite. I've committed to a couple of projects because the people are very dear to my heart. The lighter workload will really allow me some time to prepare for my baby. Being liberated from the constant worry of whether or not I'll get paid or whether or not I can get a project done on time has really made me a happier person. A much needed break may not last long but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. 

I'm grateful God exists. And that he is loving.

         At times, it's hard to trust that there is a higher power with all of the destruction, sorrow and loneliness in our current world. I want to be an anchor in my belief in God. There are times, I haven't let Him in and felt isolated. I don't see doubts as sinful but rather an enabler for empowerment in the area.We are encouraged to search and ponder before we feel confirmations in our hearts and the church wouldn't have been restored if Joseph Smith hadn't had questions. 

         Something that helps me believe is to remember that every plant, animal and thing has a creator on this earth and this subtly hints that the pattern can be applied on an enormous scale. Our Creator is very difficult to fathom but so is the fact that space is so broad, it is unlikely we will ever have the opportunity to explore it in it's entirety. When I see the pain and hurt within our own church, I must remind myself that our God is loving. While I don't understand everything, a loving God brings me comfort. If change happens, let it be but I don't feel entitled to have the church change for me. I change for God because he loved us enough to send us a Savior who understands pain better than any mortal.These thoughts may not satisfy you and that's okay, find your peace.

I'm grateful I'm not a man.

         I really want my daughter to know this about me. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful for the men in my life, they are very level headed and respect me as a member of an highly independent strong female family. I watched a documentary (that of course freaked me out) about how hard it is to raise a girl in this world without her feeling the pressure of being either a poster for a man or do everything that a man does simultaneously with women responsibilities. I'm having a daughter, she was created as a woman and I want her to be proud of that. I want her to know she has just as much potential as anyone else in this world. We aren't super heroes but I would like Penny to know there is a LOT of worth in being a woman just for the fact of being a WOMAN. 

I'm grateful I moved away from NYC

            I had an idealized view of New York before I moved there. People hype it up and in many ways, rightly so. We really enjoyed our stay and the people we met but no matter what I did, I was a misfit. I wish someone had warned me that it smells worse than Europe and that people value work there more than each other. It seems that your worth was determined by how many hours you worked last week or how much you make in a pay check rather than in other aspects. The hardest part about it for me, is I saw a lot of sadness that overtime rotted into bitterness. People who move to New York, do not move there to get the boring job. With a place filled with so much potential, it must also be filled with rejection. I felt like a lot of older people had lost their "sparkle" in their eyes, they didn't get their dream job as a Broadway music star and want to tell you by looking you in the eye with disgust. If you think you're going to make it, they are always there to say "you won't make it" "you are not good enough" or "I earned that." Of course that wasn't the case with everyone, I met a lot of optimistic people there too that had realistic views of their positions. 

           I just needed some time to realize that maybe it's not the place for me right now. I will love every time I visit. I definitely have friends that I will make an effort to see if I am out on the East coast. I really appreciate all of the job offers I have gotten from my connections and all of the faith my amazing crew has in my film career. It just may be a while before I feel like my little family will fit the culture.

I'm grateful my husband's past has made him the man he is today

           The list of what you want in a man that girls make every year from the time they are 12 is slightly misleading. Yes, it's a good guideline to look for the best man possible but perfection is impossible and the traits that are usually written may usually produce a good result but not always. My husband is an exception to many rules. If you look at his "resume" for marriage, you would never guess how impeccably amazing he is. Many of his best qualities were learned through some rough experiences and he decided to stick with God when he could've turned his back forever. I'd rather have a flawed man that I know will stand as a beacon of light during dark times, than a perfect man that as soon as they are faced with their first tough decision you don't know how they will respond because they have never faced it before. Dave is the bravest man I have ever met and others don't give him enough credit.

The Spelling Bee is similar to The Hunger Games

When sitting in the audience, you can't help but notice some of the brutal realities about the National Spelling Bee. What reminds you of putting a bunch of children barely of age against each other until there is only one survivor? To me, it's the Hunger Games. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Suzanne Collins watched the Spelling Bee when looking for inspiration for her wildly successful trilogy. 

Don't take me wrong, the Spelling Bee DEFINITELY is good. It encourages your children to gain as much knowledge as possible. These kids are incredibly smart and show an amazing amount of dedication/effort towards this competition. My worries start when I wonder if it is the child's choice to spend such a severe amount of time to studying for the Bee or in fact the parents. I'm never a huge fan of parents that thrust their children into fame, pageants, sports…etc at such an early age because I rarely think it's the child's choice in those cases. We didn't really meet any VICIOUS children or workers so I'm not here to complain about what an awful thing these people go through. Just a few ironic similarities between this event and a dystopian fiction world where kids compete for the entertainment of adults. 

1.One of the main announcers looks exactly like Effie Trinket. She had that superficial smile and an attitude that not only takes herself too seriously but glamorizes every event going on the week of the bee.

2. All of the competitors are young. The age limit is 14 and  in the past, the youngest competitor was 6. 

3. Quite a bit of your success depends on your "sponsors." The bigger the region you are representing, the better your sponsors will be. 

4. When the child is eliminated their face, rank and name are displayed on a huge screen. They might as well should've shot off cannons. 

4.The competition is held in a fancy place near the "Capitol." We were exactly 15 minutes from downtown Washington DC.

5. Some have been training to win the spelling bee since birth. Their parents won, their siblings won, it's their turn…

I over heard a conversation between two spellers and one said I only studied 3-4 hours a day and the other speller was like, that's not too bad. There was a kid from Jamaica that would travel two hours one way everyday to meet with a tutor for spelling. I'm telling you, the kids are intense.

6. There can only be one winner….oh wait, except for occasionally. Remember how it was so shocking when there are two winners at the end of the first book? Well, the spelling bee had co-champions this year for the first time in over 50 years. 

Despite these similarities to the Hunger Games, the event is very uplifting and inspiring. This nation CELEBRATES smarts! Isn't that incredible? Children that are shy, passionate about academics and extremely motivated are getting congratulated for their specific strengths. I'm glad there are events like this out there and that people care about children that aren't normally as popular as the others. More than half of the children knew more than one language, a number of them are first generation American's and all of them could spell better than me (remember how I have a college degree?) They deserve so much credit. Good for them. 

Silence vs. Violence

When we hear a tough message, we often resort to one of two unhealthy behaviors: Violence or Silence.

Violent: Aggressive, defensive, yelling, threatening, lash out, say things you don't mean in the heat of the moment, focused on being right, focused on being heard…etc

Silent: Withdraw from tough conversations, avoid the main issue, say you're okay with something when you're not, don't fully express your thoughts, give silent treatment, walk out of the room, wait later to voice opinion through electronic forms…etc

For example, let's say you are presenting an idea that means a lot to you in front of a group of people and the group is not thrilled with the idea. A violent person in this situation might take full control over the conversation defending why this is not only the BEST idea that's been presented but the ONLY idea they're willing to work on. They become bossy, shutting down the ideas/revisions of others, stuck on why they are right and the others are wrong. A silent person as the presenter might try and defend in the beginning, start withdrawing or avoiding comments but feel like it's a lost cause. Extreme silent people may even stop saying anything or get so frustrated they leave the conversation abruptly. They are also stuck on why they are right and the others are wrong. Neither personality leaves the meeting reassured nor happy. 

How to discover which behavior you tend to be: 

(note that you can often change with different people, places or phases of life)

Think to a conversation that didn't go well in your recent past. Now, think realistically of what emotions triggered you, then you physical response to the situation and then how these two things made you behave.

Violence Physical Triggers: Pointing fingers, hands on hips, raising voice, balling up fists, tense muscles, accelerated heartbeat…etc

Silence Physical Triggers: Folding arms, avoiding eye contact, tense muscles, knot in stomach, urge to cry, look for an escape route (door,) removing yourself from the room…etc

So, why should you care if you are a violence or a silence?

Honestly, there are negative repercussions to not resolving a problem fully. When a violent person lashes out, they may think that others are agreeing with them when in reality, they probably just lost a lot of respect for them. You may have just burned a bridge you didn't know about and it will take significant time to repair that relationship. When a silent person can't be honest they often turn to gossiping and venting to others instead of dealing with the person that can help solve the issue. In some cases, they can begin to have displacement issues in which they take the problems out on someone else. Either way, you let your emotions get in the way of coming to an agreeable resolution and are in a downward spiral of self-destruction. Believe it.

It's also very helpful to recognize when your emotions are taking control over yourself or recognizing these signs in another person so you can have healthier conversations. In these experience, you may  find yourself being able to calm your emotions before you resort to your violent or silent nature. 

Personally, finding out I'm an EXTREME silent has been such an eye opener to me. Making sense of the behaviors I don't like in myself, I can usually pinpoint a conversation that I avoided, didn't feel heard or even physically ran out of the room to get out of. It has hurt my relationships with others, it has significantly lowered my self esteem and at times I grovel to complaining to others about the situation instead of trying to fix it. 

Why I'm an extreme silence: 

-I say "It's fine" when I'm not or "I forgive you" when I haven't 

-I HATE/AVOID answering the phone even if I'm pretty sure the person on the other line will only say nice and flowery things
-I usually make a bullet point list of exactly what I am going to say on a phone call if I absolutely have to talk to someone

-I used to text serious conversations instead of being willing to talk face-to-face,  I cry when I feel uncomfortable 

-I would hold my breath until I got what I wanted as a child 

-I used to feel like I didn't belong in my family. They are all Violence in these situations, they are blunt, direct and it used to be very overwhelming to me. Being the only daughter that is truly silent (maybe Katie but she grew out of it) they didn't understand the way I worked and vice versa. 

-I hold grudges easily 

-I avoid grocery stores where I could possibly encounter someone I don't feel prepared to talk to, 

-there is always a point I become too overwhelmed to continue and physically RUN away from the situation. Ask my husband Dave, he can tell you a number of times that he has had to follow me out the door during a heated discussion, not necessarily to continue the conversation but to make sure I was safe roaming around Provo at 3am. 

I have had these habits for so long that I haven't fully resolved poorly handled situations emotionally. Thus resulting in projected the effects of negative experiences onto my expectations of others. So, if one person in my life has a pattern of falling short in being reliable, I expect anyone who cancels plans doesn't truly care about me and try to write them off forever. I also care deeply about my relationships with other people and have had a history of forgiving people too quickly, pretty much giving them permission to continue their poor behavior. By not talking to them about how much it actually hurt me, it prompted them to do it again. I knew Dave was good at conversations before I married him, the balance between violence and silence is where healthy dialogue falls. It also is something the Fesler's practice naturally with one another as well as letting go of the situations that you have no more control over instead of dwelling on them. 

He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him.

Does He really know that though? I don't write a lot of posts about my religious beliefs, it's a very personal and important topic for me. Not really up for discussion. I get small impressions. My style of missionary work is very different than what a typical member might believe is right but when it comes to people, we're all made different for a reason. If we are all supposed to play on our talents and strengths, my strength is on a one on one basis. I'm better at  talking quietly to a friend than being comfortable in a big group of people. The Lord primarily speaks to me through quiet and calm feelings, not big loud trumpets in my ear and that used to bug me. I wanted what everyone else had, the BIG moments. The times you knew without a doubt that the Lord wanted you and only you to do the task at hand. The more I thought about it though (thanks to my Papa,) maybe it's a compliment to me that He doesn't need to yell in my ear for me to listen. As a matter of fact, I usually don't feel much until I have made the decision on my own and then the Lord will confirm whether or not he agrees with my choice. It's very trusting on his part but there are times I know I could be doing more. 

This phrase has weighed on my mind a lot, "He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him"-I feel my Savior's Love. Maybe because I feel what best describes the way I feel about myself is "To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as I, that He should extend his great love unto such as I." I know I don't deserve his love. I'm a very flawed individual. So as I attempt to be mildly less selfish than usual, I'm going to try and really do what I believe God would think is best. So far, it's been a success.

I Miss Her

I look at this picture and I don't really see me, the person I am right now. I think hey, whatever is happening looks pretty fun. I feel like I lost "her" somewhere along the road. Though I know that a lot of my past was filled with escapism from my problems, false sense of security and inauthentic happiness; there was a validity behind my smiles, a good rush of adrenaline and a skip in my footsteps. I want to look forward to summer, not how it used to be but find a new balance for who I am today.

I believe in wholesome activities.

Spring

We are ready to play outside, you?

You See My Arm in This Video

If you asked me last week, I'd be telling you how excited I was to be going back this year to the Directors Lab.

Can't wait for warmer weather.

Few Of My Favorite Things from Fesler Films on Vimeo.

Things I learned from working for The Food Network

-if the person in charge of you is a fast paced individual, match their level of intensity
-never ever ever look like you aren't doing something important
-no open walkies
-always have your headset on and ready to reply
-use common sense
-be detail oriented
-if they say "will you run to..." RUN
-no job is beneath a PA, so stop whining
-don't complain about other people
-hopefully "Chopped" will consider coming to Utah (they are fascinated by our food storage)
-eat the food at your own risk
-food in bulk is a great conversation starter at the grocery store
-call the stores to see if they have 170 lbs of meat before trying to go
-prepare to shower a lot and wash your clothes a lot
-always carry a leatherman
-it's better to have extra money at the end of the day than to not have enough
-do not wear low rise pants
-don't wait to be asked to do something, actively try to be helpful
-try to enjoy yourself

Last Episode, Rockefeller Tree and Face Painting

"....Monday you went to work, came home, and we fell asleep super early. It was wonderful. Tuesday you were gone until after 9 or 10. Which was also wonderful. Wednesday we worked out pretty much all day. What? Say it say it, what. Thursday was our magnificent day in the city and we did gloriously beautiful things, no questions asked. Friday night you worked, came home and both of us for some reason were exhausted so we went to sleep. Saturday was a great day, we worked out for hours, did laundry and yea and then we went to our dance thing, it was great. I think there is a reason I don't do the blog posts, catch my drift? Catch my, feel my, catch a drift? It's a rhyme time to be in a prime time. Where should I put these cookies? Lizi babe?  What? What are you laughing at, huh? What chu laughing at girl? Hey, Hey I said. Don't start writing stuff down what I say."-Dave

There's a time in your life that you realize you have just met an interesting person, not saying that everyone doesn't have their own odd quirks but you come across people who are extra special once and a while. I was requested to shoot on Tuesday for the last episode because we were going to have to do the kill scene twice and they wanted their "blood specialist" to be there.  Cleaning up the fake blood was extremely difficult because we used 4 times as much blood than usual, plus some cranberry sauce for coagulation. I actually spent my entire lunch hour cleaning up after it. This made me lose my appetite, spaghetti definitely didn't look appetizing after that.

I have found a mockingjay on set, if I hum a certain song by our second camera man I can hear the song eventually jump from each person until everyone in the crew has hummed it. My personal favorite song to make contagious on set is "Elmo's world." The story behind that is that a few episodes ago, they asked me to name a rap song and then they started singing some strange arrangement of who knows what so I said, "Elmo's world?"

The lady at the location we were shooting talked to her dolls as if they were real children. Plus, she had a tons of dolls in every room, the creepy kind that stare at you wherever you are in the room. To top that, there was a hibernating bear in the backyard. We could see it from the back porch window.

At the end of the day, I was washing the dishes we used in our episode and that's when it hit me. Life suddenly ran in slow motion. I could see other crew members running behind me in the reflection of the back window and just sunk it in-trying to enjoy the dwindling moments. I don't know why but I seem to always be the only person that is not ready for these types of things to end.

Wednesday I set up a LA Fitness guest pass account so that I could run these last two freezing cold weeks. I guess Dave thinks we worked out all day. I made Champ pose for pictures and he wasn't thrilled about it.

THURSDAY WAS A BIG DAY FOR US. I woke up cranky, when things come to an end I can sometimes get a little on the snarky side but the best medicine was going to take pictures in the city. Dave gave me a limit. I was only allowed to take 2 pictures....I only took 400. I got up the guts to take pictures of strangers at the Rockefeller tree because the people were usually too distracted by the view to notice me, my personal favorite is a picture I took of a girl taking a selfie (believe me, it's a funny one.)

Christmastime in the city has officially became my very favorite time of year. They encourage CHRISTMAS on every street corner and wrap entire buildings up like presents. Walking around is a magical experience, I'm so glad I have survived long enough to walk around NYC during Christmas season.

I had a friend who recommended that I try a butter beer from starbucks, I asked if it had caffeine and my friend reassured me that it was decaf. Well, they were wrong. After walking around 3 miles in the city, I was tired until I had that drink. Suddenly, my speech became fast and I wanted to go to the gym. We went and I did a zumba class, didn't feel like I was expending enough energy and then ran 5.5 miles....do you think it had caffeine?

My family celebrates a European Christmas holiday called The Nikolaus, our version is a lot less scary than the original holiday. So Dave and I tried to inconspicuously find out what everyone's favorite candy bar is. That turned into Maja yelling to everyone in each corner of the house, asking their favorite candy bar. We put everyone's boots on the front porch, filled their shoes with candy and then waited until morning....then it rained all night. So much for that idea lol.

Friday was the last day my crew was in the office...I'll be a little lost without them in the office. Atlas decided to have a lot of meetings on Friday too so it was a very busy day. I walked around in the rain all morning. Went to two very long meetings and one significant question later, I still had to finish all of the expense reports. By 8:30pm Alex told me to just go home, she even took everything left to do out of my hand. I will finish those up next week but I wanted to make sure she got everything done she needed to.

Saturday we went to the gym and got ready for Maddie's dance fundraiser. They recruited me to be a face painter....little does Katie know how much I LOVE to face paint. I can space out everything else in the world and focus on creating a beautiful masterpiece on a childs face. I only got like 10 faces painted by the end but they were glorious. The same thing happened this time that happened last spring at my niece's carnival. The other face painters get really weird around me...do you remember that Linda? It's odd because I'm not trying to compete or anything, I really just focus on butterflies, unicorn's and fairies. There usually is one really loud girl that begins yelling, "I'm an artist, I want to paint your face." I'm fine with that, paint their face. If they are in my line, let them decide haha.

The dancing is phenomenal there. It's a dance studio that is run by an Alvin Ailey alumni and you feel the emotion from every dance. There also was a tiny little redhead that looked exactly like Sadie Coleman dancing to the nutcracker.

I believe in giant Christmas Trees.

Three Things that Changed My Life Forever (other than the obvious like marriage or moving to NY...etc)

1. The week before my junior year of high school I had the goal to say "Hi" to at least ten people a day, I was terrified since I was deathly shy of all living beings at that time. The next year I upgraded the same goal to saying "Hi" to every person I had ever I met, even if I had just been assigned to sit next to them the day before. I believe that this goal single highhandedly changed my social life, my self confidence and I ended up with hundreds of more friends than I had before. Who knew something so simple could be more than just an act of acknowledgement but an act of care.

2. I moved in with my sister Linda Lewis. I spent a good 20 years of my life wishing I could be closer to my sisters but they intimidated me so much (they are all very talented, drop dead gorgeous and outgoing.) When I ended up moving in with Linda and her family, I was so afraid that she wouldn't like me or that it would turn into a very negative experience. Instead, I gained a lot more confidence around my family and now all of my sisters are my closest friends, they make me feel like a better person, a happier person and mainly I feel loved around them.

3. Investing in a camera. I've always known I've had an attraction to photography/film and I'm a very visual learner. My mother is a brilliant photographer and the hobby was one of the many attributes I admired about her growing up. I used her camera's a lot in middle school and high school, spending lunch sessions in a dark room, editing concerts for my gma...etc but Dave made me buy my own camera right after we got married and it doesn't sit on my shelf getting dusty. I use a camera and think about photography/film at least 6 days a week. Every song I listen to reminds me of a way I could portray an emotion with film to the song, every day I see people I wish I could photograph to remember how classy they look. I try very hard not to be overbearing with my love or pressure people into having photography sessions or films about them because I understand that I am not the only person in the world that is passionate about the subject. However, if you ever want a photograph/film of you from me, I guarantee I've thought about it before and would be thrilled to document the lives of anyone.

I believe in goals, courage and passion.

"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

-Mark 8:36