Riot

I'm concerned about the world. There is devastation, destruction, hate and hurt bleeding from every nation. I have a baby. A small, innocent, pure, full of joy and personality of a baby. How do I protect her? When the riots become more violent, when the riots spread to where I live, when the natural disaster hits my town, will I be able to keep her safe? Or even alive? Since when was it courageous to be bloodthirsty? 

I feel that I must say something, though my creditability in the area is lacking. I don't live in the South. I don't live in Baltimore. I don't live in Nepal. I am a white woman. But my heart aches. There are people starving to death waiting for help. Riots and rage roam the world, we are living in the dystopian world everyone writes about.

I don't see the baltimore mom how others see her. She parents different than I would parent but then again, I've never been in that situation so I don't know if I would react similarly. In words, I wouldn't want to stop my son from joining forces by hitting him. Combatting violence with violence doesn't seem to be sending the right message. To me, her actions are a desperate plea for him to turn around and realize she taught him better. I get that. Everyone who has gotten hurt, has a mother and most of the mothers are worried about them.

A woman that grew up in my neighborhood died in Nepal a few years back. Her plane flew right into the mountain. It is one of the most dangerous airports in the world. It has a tiny landing strip and a huge mountain not visible if there are any clouds but even more-so, there isn't a lot of access to the surrounding villages without the airport functioning. I hear the positive stories about how they have found a baby in the rubble, completely unharmed. What a miracle. But these stories are few and far between.

We praise people for standing up for what they believe in but what about when it negatively affects my family. The word "safe" and "world peace" gets a bad rap but in all honestly, why can't I desire that? Ever since I got pregnant, I have had an overwhelming weight of responsibility for my baby. I constantly have nightmares where I'm in a situation that I can't control the fact that she gets hurt. It is on my mind a lot. Then I've had a few emotional attacks. I will never feel like I'm doing enough for my child, so believe me I feel guilty on a daily basis from my own thoughts. Then this happens:

I knew it was a joke. But it destroyed me. 

When is that ever funny?

Dave made a good point that this individual is a great example of the loud minority and even though there were so many positive comments and encouragement, I let the one sarcastic remark sting. That may be true but it doesn't mean that the words don't haunt me. Then, I think how silly it is that I care so much about a stupid comment on Facebook when there are so many bigger issues going on and know I tend to avoid conflict. Let it be known, I know the world is in distress and fear my insignificance will steal the basics I owe my family: safety, love and happiness.

Tonight, We are Having a Baby

This weekend I got the fine opportunity to spend my weekend with the best group of gals around: my sisters and my mother. We were celebrating my mom's birthday but it really felt like it was all for me because it was everything I learned to love to do. We relaxed to a nice fancy dinner, I fell asleep early on a fantastic bed, woke up to a picturesque view of my sister snuggling her newborn, had a great breakfast and felt weightless as we floated around the pool for a while. When I think back on it, I just remember constant laughter. When we returned to Utah Valley and everyone was ready to disperse, I wasn't ready. I still long to see my family at all times but I've been trying not to dwell on it. 

Knowing when I'm having a baby made that feeling for my family more intense. On Monday evening, I sensed something I have never had an inkling before; I had a true fear of dying. The thing is, the complete desperation was not necessarily that I'm afraid of dying but the anxiety sprung due to the fact not only I wouldn't be able to experience my life with my husband & baby but that I would never see my family again. How do you feel prepared for something like that?

People at work ask me all the time, "Are you nervous?" and I want to respond, "duh. When was the last time you pushed a human out of your body?" but I usually respond with, "Sometimes, I just don't know what to expect." Then, they usually respond with a horror story. Thanks guys. On the upside, I got my performance reviews back from work. What a boost of confidence! They actually like me! They took me to lunch, they paid, they got me presents, they got me clothes and they have all been bidding me farewell with the kindest words/visits. 

I don't know how to feel today. I'm quite optimistic all things considering but mornings are always better than later in the day. I couldn't sleep past 5am but that way, I could watch the sunrise and attempt to look my best for the first time Penny will see me. I love that at 5:40am, Dave rolled over and said, "you would be awake" and that when I texted my mother that I miss her she took no hesitation in driving straight to my house. I'd rather stay this way, either I'm in denial about later this evening or I have too much spark for curiosity. Isn't it interesting that our bodies can go through immense amount of pain but not die? I find it very miraculous. Anyways, God be with you until we meet again my friends.

I believe in miracles.

Update on the Wax

I figured that I don't have many male followers, it's hard for me to picture my brother in laws anxiously waiting to hear about my baby so I thought I could share just a slight bit about brazilian waxing while pregnant.

I don't recommend it but I didn't hate it.

3 Reasons I liked it:
-I feel cleaner-both looks and smells! Hopefully this gesture will also show some appreciation for the 30 people that have to be in the delivery room? Who am I kidding, they don't care but I'd like to think so.
-I found better ways to deal with physical pain and anxious anticipation. Surprisingly, it calmed some of my fears about labor. I'm not saying that waxing is easier than labor but I am saying that I like feeling better prepared.
-I like to prove to myself that I can do hard things. There were quite a few times I was ready to call it quits but I didn't, I got my moneys worth and came out feeling like I could conquer the world.

3 Reasons I will never wax again while pregnant:
-As far as looks, I did not fit into the "salon" scene at all. I have never felt more like a cow. It didn't help that it took my appointment 45 minutes longer than the average waxing because we had a larger area to cover.
-I was swollen for a few days after. This included shaking for hours after the procedure and contributed to waddling even more than before. Blood flows more. So the most painful part was not the first tug, it was the 30 seconds after.
-Turns out skin rips. Worse, you don't get to choose where it rips.

Personal Preference in Photo Editing

Many of you have heard my theories on "photoshopping." Simply, as a non-fiction documentary filmmaker, my quest artistically is to make my creations as authentic as possible. Lately, mainly out of curiosity, I've explored different photo editing methods and styles to see if some fit me better than my usual (which is very minimal.)

Photography wise,  I like subtle changes. Changes so slight that it may brighten an eye that already has a sparkle. Here's an example of a before and after:

I guess the weird thing people request all the time is if I can change the way they look. I always want to say, well, I want the picture to look like YOU because that's the exact person I care about. It's kind of why I've been avoiding the "wedding world." The expectations are unrealistic, with the majority of clients. I've worked with famous celebrities that are less picky than brides and they pay much more. I rejected 12 weddings and had one cancelation this summer. I mention them because I didn't expect that I'd ever reject a wedding in my life. Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm growing a baby, I have a full-time job, I have at least one doctors appointment a week, we're desperately trying to finish the remodeling of the house, we've still got to move our stuff fully into the house and within the next 6 weeks I'll have a newborn. Free-time is spread pretty thin, we're making it work but if you've asked, you've probably noticed that I'm not taking on new projects...probably for a while. If life ever dies down again then maybe I'll swing back in that direction.

I don't really know why I'm blogging about this other than it's a personal discovery and I can't help but be passionate about this art.  So far, I've been loving the creative freedom I've had on my personal projects lately and should probably focus on all of the other things I've got to do instead. 

Easter 2014

Choices

I want to touch a bit on the power of choices.

There are people I love around the world.
Dave and I chose to move back to Utah from New York (despite my wailing and gnashing of teeth.)
It's hard for me to understand why we are here when the only paying jobs I seem to get offered are on the east coast.
I chose to be a bit bitter about it.
I feel like I'm shooting my career in the foot if I were to refuse to work on a show like this (see image above.)  I guess I would love advice. If I were to go back, Dave would be unable to come with for the shoot. If I don't, I'll digress.

I had an epiphany about Utah upon my return. The state haunts me. I avoid places I often see familiar faces on purpose. My fear has slowly gotten worse and moving to another state I thought for sure would be the cure. It wasn't. My revelation is not that I want to have a highschool reunion informercial speech prepared before I go shopping everyday, it's that I have people and situations in my past that I haven't fully been able to cope with. I wrote down experiences I don't share with many people that could potentially be effecting me and I dug up deeply rooted hurt and sadness. Basically, I need to work through these until they are no longer effecting my present day life. I need to be back in charge of my own life. I'm a different person, a bully in middle school should not still make me believe all men are untrustworthy. I guess I don't know what my next step should be.

I choose to admit I need serious help.

Oscars

So I only have two hopes for the Oscars, 1. that The Great Gatsby will win Production Design and 2. that this song from Despicable Me 2 wins best original song:

I believe in happy.

Brooklyn, Two production shoots and a Throwing a Dummy in the middle of a lake.

This week was very eventful...or I'd not update anyone because once again, sick. Leaving me no motivation to be awesome.

Monday I helped out with Investigation Discovery shoot episode 210. I fell down a mountain like four times, the leaves were super slippery. I didn't have to go back into the city to catch a bus and that was a first. It was a long day and I still finished all of my assignments by the end of the evening. I also loved that our shooting location was with a woman named Purple, how great of a name is that?

Tuesday was the only day I had off. Dave and I went running and only accomplished 4 miles when the goal was 6. It was freezing cold and I'm pretty sure my lungs froze over. I think that day scared me a bit with it being so cold, I really had no desire to leave the house.

Wednesday, we finished the receipts for 3 episodes. Yes, that is a big win.

Thursday we went into Brooklyn to visit Bryan Hutchison and Naomi Flinders. We went in early to meet up with Bryan first but he had a super important project he was worried about so was at the studio. It's ok, Dave and I fell in love with Uniqlo and also the surrounding area. MOM IF YOU ARE READING THIS, UNIQLO SHOULD BE YOUR NEW FAVORITE STORE. Dave and I decided that Brooklyn would be where we live if we were to be near the city, it had our style of life. We met up with Naomi and Bryan at a place called Siggy's, it was delicious and very healthy (both are a big plus in the Fesler household.) It's a good thing that Naomi knows the area really well and had an opinion of what to do because I think the rest of us were fine with doing whatever. We strolled along the promenade, we went on a carousel, we shopped at an amazing middle eastern store, to the farmers market and a Trader Joe's in an old bank. Naomi is such a joy to be around, it was exactly the kind of day we were hoping for.

Friday I should've studied all day. My cold took a turn for the worse and I drank 7 lemon honey tea's to try and help it. We had two company meetings that were pretty cool, the man in charge of the accounts at Atlas Media and the head of the company at Atlas Media. Both very enlightening about the business of film, also, they had the best cupcakes I've ever tasted in my life.

Saturday I got to film with the same crew I usually work with yet for a different television series. Afrin is my best friend, yesterday would've been a million times harder without Afrin. It was also nice to see some of the actors we worked with before, they all got pretty close by the end of the shoot day. To add to all of that, we shot at the most amazing mansion by a lake I have ever been to and immediately following, probably one of the scariest drug houses I've ever seen. I got to be the dead body zipped up in the body bag, I felt like I was in the Boo box. I also got to help taylor make a fake dead body on the dock and get to throw it in the middle of the lake. Unfortunately, the fake head popped out of the water and so we wanted to shoot it again but then it was too far for our pole. So Taylor's not so brilliant plan was to go swimming in the freezing winter water to get the body out. We all vetoed that idea, found a boat, spent a good 45 minutes trying to get the dummy (covered in chains) out of the water and ended up making a different one anyway. hopefully it doesn't float to the surface in a few months and someone thinks it's an actual dead body. After we wrapped the set, I got to talk to the actors on the way home. I don't know why but I loved it so much, learning about what their long-term dreams are. They invited me to come eat with them afterwards, I made sure that it was a group thing before I agreed but I did have time to burn so it was nice to feel like I actually have friends and people who actually wanted to hang out with me when they didn't have to. My cold medicine wore off right about the time I needed to walk to the bus, so it was perfect timing. I stressed a little bit that the waiter wouldn't find the cash I had under my glass so I double checked to make sure that one of the actors would make sure he saw it and then slept.

Today, I've slept all day. I really need to study. I really need to pass this final, it's the only thing I have left to do with my entire college existence but I CAN'T STUDY. Not being able to breath doesn't help but if anyone wants to pray that I'll pass this class, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I believe in Brooklyn.

New York Pictures

"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

-Mark 8:36

Katie and Brent

Hey look! It's our couple friends, (our only couple friends but we really wish we had more) and they finally tied the knot!

These two are hilarious, I loved doing their wedding video. I lost a bet. In a good way though, three years ago Dave bet me that Brent would marry the first person he kissed (not in a play) and I took that bet...and lost but I'm so happy that he found Katie. They are perfect for each other. 

Coast to Coast

San Diego, California:

 Phoenix, Arizona:

Provo, Utah: 

 Wyoming:

 Brookings, South Dakota:

 Minneapolis, Minnesota:

 The Only Thing I remember about Illinois:

 Indiana after midnight:

 Toledo, Ohio:

 Pennsylvania:

 The new place:

Why New York City

1. I have never lived anywhere but the town I grew up.

• Though, I have traveled and thoroughly enjoyed it, 3 weeks is the closest I got to "living" in another area. I find it important to have this opportunity, I've felt like I should for a very long time and needed a push before I jumped. As soon as we decided we were leaving no matter what, the opportunities flooded.

2. I have been offered quite a few internships.

• Ah, the word "internships" is one that is controversial in my group of friends. I don't believe it's free labor because you learn SO MUCH from it. So why another internship after Sundance? Three reasons I fell in love with internships: Experience (you're thrust into the industry with the rest of the professionals that really know what they are doing,) Opportunities you aren't qualified for (I thought I was pretty qualified for Sundance until I got there and realized I have so much room to grow and am eager to learn,) Temporary (it's true that there are times internships turn into full-time careers but it's not necessary, you have the choice to make the best out of your time there. In this way, I don't expect them to hire me and can have a win-win-win.)

3. I have accepted an internship with Atlas Media Corp.

• This is their description in their own words: "Atlas Media Corp is a full-service, independent television production company specializing in non-fiction cable programming for clients such as The History Channel, A&E, Discovery Channel, GSN, TLC, TV Guide Channel, Discovery Health, I.D., National Geographic, W.E., The Travel Channel & Food Network among others." 

August 28-December 18, 2013

Last Day with the Noorlanders

I'd title this picture: curiosity.

She knows when she gets caught doing something she's not supposed. In this instance, it was eating a muddy rock.

This, is my mom. Doing what she does best. Loving people.