So when can I call myself a photographer or a filmmaker?

My words exactly.

http://jasonandjenniebrown.blogspot.com/2015/10/so-youre-photographer-now.html

Photography/Film is not for the insecure. Yet, I fall under that category as I’m sure many do. 

I feel that Jennie expressed the inner conflict so perfectly in her post. I see several images like this “I was ready to walk away forever and somehow we keep going.” I think the personalities in this field can be painted very stereotypically as overcharging, mommy-blogging, outgoing, trend-searching, financially insane, abrasive self-sellers but we are so much more complex than that. It’s a competitive field, that’s true but not all of us are ruthless. It seems that so many forget the hours spent in dark rooms, late at night, finishing edits. Or the fact that it’s an art, truly that grabs our eye or breaths life into the world around us not the top ten poses with the exact same smile. Truly, what I find most intriguing about film and photography is it has endless opportunities to learn something new. I want to know EVERYTHING and honestly? I don’t think it’s possible, but I’ve loved the process of trying to get to the proclaimed “expert.” Not because I want a pay-raise but because each time something clicks, it’s EXHILARATING.

My personal win: (don’t read if you don’t care, I’m not trying to brag but trying to document moments like this so when I’m feeling insecure and need to remember why I do what I do.)

I was contacted two weeks ago from a woman I have always admired. To be honest, "admire" is an understatement. If it were up to me to choose whose voice would narrate my life in my own head or in a movie, she’d be my choice (sounds like HONEY.) She was interested in me taking her family pictures. Immediately I thought that it must be a mistake. She was either recruited by my mom begging her or because she pitied my financial situation. Furthermore, SHE’s a photographer and pretty much living my ideal life (living in Sundance, travels the world to empower women and save wildlife, independently wealthy, incredible curly hair…etc) We scheduled it, I researched my butt off to try and be the best I could for her and then her grandkids got sick so we postponed the shoot but she invited me to dinner. Even though I knew I would love sitting and listening to the sounds of nature with her, I was nervous she would see how much I wanted to make her happy. It helped me to go up and see the style of photos she likes and how it is hard to capture her soul as accurately as she is but as she talked to me she kept saying phrases like, “Your style is so natural” or “this photo is like what I’ve seen of yours; bright and joyous” or “it’s why I was originally drawn to your work.” Meg doesn’t lie and those small tidbits of words hinted that she KNEW my work. More than that, SHE liked MY work and had faith I could capture her. I felt that the experience was the greatest compliment I have ever received. 

You know the question that people ask, "if you could have a meal with anyone, who would it be?" I feel lucky because the person I would choose actually gives me the privilege to be invited up to her home on occasion.

If you ever worry you’ll never be good enough. Whether it’s something you are passionate or not, the book “Editing” by Justin Chang has proven to me that we’re not alone (at least in the film industry.)

“For a long time, psychologically, I never felt I was good enough. All the other editors I worked with were so sure of themselves; they were all so well spoken and loquacious. I could never talk like that.” -Michael Kahn (Steven Spielberg editor)

“If something doesn’t seem quite right and you don’t really know why, simplify.” -Anne Coates (Oscar winning editor)

“If editing is anything, it’s telling a story and applying a rhythm to that story.”-Richard Marks (editor of Godfather: Part II, Apocalypse Now, Say Anything, You’ve Got Mail…etc)

“Film schools can teach you technique, but they can’t teach you pacing and rhythm; those are things you have to have in you to begin with, or you have to teach and train yourself.”-Valdis Oskarsdottir (Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind editor)

Penny's First Birthday

Penny's First Birthday from Fesler Films on Vimeo.

Because someday she might wonder what her first birthday was like. She deserves to know.

2 1/2 Months - What's new

PENNY
-SMILES. They melt my heart. I try to go to bed but if Penny flashes that smile at me, some how an hour has past without me realizing it.

Penny showing her namesake her mad singing skills.

-She loves being sung to and loves singing. Believe me, we went to Lucy Bradshaw's Annie performance and Penny was not quiet about how she wanted to sing the songs so we spent that time in the hallway. We heard this past week from Becca that she doesn't care if the person is deaf, she still loves being sung to. I heard from Isaac Bradshaw that she likes the song "Everything is Awesome," Erika thinks she prefers music from Phantom of the Opera, our upstair neighbor girls sing "A Life That's Good" from the TV show Nashville and Papa has had the song "Little Girls" stuck in his head for a while now. Penny and I always listen to music to dance/sing to while making food and some of her favorites for that activity are "Pennies from Heaven," "Didn't Leave Nobody but the Baby" (such a sad song,) "Parachute" and "Fresh Feeling." I have a musical baby guys.
-Her reflux still makes her fussy most nights but it's not half as bad as it used to be. We are so happy about modern medicine.
-Penny filled out. She has big eyes but now that she has put on some weight, her eyes look significantly smaller than they used to. She uses her cheeks as a head rest on her shoulders. She has a triple chin that we call her "4 smiles."
-Had her first Thanksgiving and already perfected the food coma! We snuggled all day last Thursday, it was the best gift she could have given me.


DAVE
-Blessed our child and did such a wonderful job at it.

-Got called up to speak on a whim. Or so he thinks. Since she didn't get blessed on a fast Sunday, I was a bit bummed that I wouldn't have a good excuse to force Dave to bear his testimony. So secretly I prayed that somehow he would be called up to speak. The Sunday before her blessing, Penny pooped through her outfit during Sacrament so I went to the changing room. We were the only ones in there so when the bishop explained he would be picking people randomly from the audience to bear their testimonies, both of us said "Dave Fesler" after every pick. Then, Bishop said "Brother Fesler" and Penny smiled so big. We hurried back in and the nervous daddy gave a great testimony on love.
-Decided he didn't like the current lights on our Christmas tree so he cut them all off (believe it or not it's very time consuming to do) and bought new ones.
-Dances with Penny every night to this song (stop before 1:55) Penny kicks along ferciously and takes her dancing very seriously.

LIZI
-Went back to work and put in her two weeks notice. She misses Penny so much during the day and has decided that she can get way too caught up in work so she has to cut it off. I have had mixed feelings about leaving the workforce ever since I started. As soon as I could run after giving birth, that's what I would focus all of my energy into. Deciding what to do even though I have had an inkling since March. We tried every option and my position honestly wouldn't work part time or at home. So I'm looking for a worthy replacement.
-Contributed to the production of this web series (I did a little on this BSGuys but more on a few others that are scheduled to come out once a month...)

-Christmas has occupied so much of my time. I'm so worried about it! Dave has always been a great gift-giver and this year I wanted to be a great one too. So I made lists and took notes all year long of things he mentioned he likes and I'm ALL IN. I'm spending money that I usually wouldn't. THIS IS MY YEAR. It's gonna be good...

I'm Grateful That I Didn't Accept My Dream Job

I have a lot of things I'm grateful for that are pretty obvious but lately, I have gratitude towards things that I never thought I'd hear myself say.

I'm grateful I've gained weight

          I have always been self-conscious about my body. I find the people around me gorgeous and would go home avoiding anything with a reflection. It didn't seem possible that I would actually enjoy the look of my pregnant body but it may be the fact that my sweet baby girl is inside growing inside or that the pregnancy hormones really change my attitude on life. Either way, I really like this shift in perspectives.

I'm grateful that I didn't accept my dream job 

          I have to repeat this  sentence to myself several times before I actually begin to believe it. Rejecting these jobs shocked me to my core and I dealt with some depression in the area for quite some time but the thing is I knew it was right for me even if I didn't know why yet. Spending 3 months away from my husband while pregnant would have been a nightmare, let's be honest. I wouldn't be making enough money for it to seem worth it and 16 hour days would probably literally kill me. Sundance however, seemed to be dangling it's temptation in front of me and even after visiting, there are parts of me that wished I had considered it more. The person who has the job I would've had is really struggling with it I guess and knowing I could've stepped up to the plate, twinges my heart just a tad. 

          HOWEVER, I would have felt much worse if I accepted the job but couldn't give 100% effort in the end. The days are long, hard and all-consuming. Currently, I have circulation issues and  I pass out a lot. With all of the driving, I could have been in a very dangerous position. I'm exhausted much easier and I feel that my physical inadequacy would tear at my self worth as well as my performance. Even thinking about it overwhelms me. I'm glad they were so understanding as well as so happy to see me when I went up to visit. The cool thing about film is that those who are successful take their commitments seriously and have learned the skill of staying positive in situations anyone would feel justified complaining about.  It creates a very warm and trustworthy environment. I love that. The job I did accept is better than I could've even imagined. I have something to do every day, I have people to see everyday, I have a purpose and I have been able to save up some money for the upcoming craziness of motherhood.

I'm grateful I learned to say "no"

        When you invest so much emotional energy into relationships like I do, saying no seems nearly heartbreaking. Honestly, I have needed to take this time away from freelance projects for both my emotional and physical stability. Often my time hasn't been respected and my clients haven't followed through so being okay with not accepting the prospect in the beginning clears up any confusion follow suite. I've committed to a couple of projects because the people are very dear to my heart. The lighter workload will really allow me some time to prepare for my baby. Being liberated from the constant worry of whether or not I'll get paid or whether or not I can get a project done on time has really made me a happier person. A much needed break may not last long but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. 

I'm grateful God exists. And that he is loving.

         At times, it's hard to trust that there is a higher power with all of the destruction, sorrow and loneliness in our current world. I want to be an anchor in my belief in God. There are times, I haven't let Him in and felt isolated. I don't see doubts as sinful but rather an enabler for empowerment in the area.We are encouraged to search and ponder before we feel confirmations in our hearts and the church wouldn't have been restored if Joseph Smith hadn't had questions. 

         Something that helps me believe is to remember that every plant, animal and thing has a creator on this earth and this subtly hints that the pattern can be applied on an enormous scale. Our Creator is very difficult to fathom but so is the fact that space is so broad, it is unlikely we will ever have the opportunity to explore it in it's entirety. When I see the pain and hurt within our own church, I must remind myself that our God is loving. While I don't understand everything, a loving God brings me comfort. If change happens, let it be but I don't feel entitled to have the church change for me. I change for God because he loved us enough to send us a Savior who understands pain better than any mortal.These thoughts may not satisfy you and that's okay, find your peace.

I'm grateful I'm not a man.

         I really want my daughter to know this about me. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful for the men in my life, they are very level headed and respect me as a member of an highly independent strong female family. I watched a documentary (that of course freaked me out) about how hard it is to raise a girl in this world without her feeling the pressure of being either a poster for a man or do everything that a man does simultaneously with women responsibilities. I'm having a daughter, she was created as a woman and I want her to be proud of that. I want her to know she has just as much potential as anyone else in this world. We aren't super heroes but I would like Penny to know there is a LOT of worth in being a woman just for the fact of being a WOMAN. 

I'm grateful I moved away from NYC

            I had an idealized view of New York before I moved there. People hype it up and in many ways, rightly so. We really enjoyed our stay and the people we met but no matter what I did, I was a misfit. I wish someone had warned me that it smells worse than Europe and that people value work there more than each other. It seems that your worth was determined by how many hours you worked last week or how much you make in a pay check rather than in other aspects. The hardest part about it for me, is I saw a lot of sadness that overtime rotted into bitterness. People who move to New York, do not move there to get the boring job. With a place filled with so much potential, it must also be filled with rejection. I felt like a lot of older people had lost their "sparkle" in their eyes, they didn't get their dream job as a Broadway music star and want to tell you by looking you in the eye with disgust. If you think you're going to make it, they are always there to say "you won't make it" "you are not good enough" or "I earned that." Of course that wasn't the case with everyone, I met a lot of optimistic people there too that had realistic views of their positions. 

           I just needed some time to realize that maybe it's not the place for me right now. I will love every time I visit. I definitely have friends that I will make an effort to see if I am out on the East coast. I really appreciate all of the job offers I have gotten from my connections and all of the faith my amazing crew has in my film career. It just may be a while before I feel like my little family will fit the culture.

I'm grateful my husband's past has made him the man he is today

           The list of what you want in a man that girls make every year from the time they are 12 is slightly misleading. Yes, it's a good guideline to look for the best man possible but perfection is impossible and the traits that are usually written may usually produce a good result but not always. My husband is an exception to many rules. If you look at his "resume" for marriage, you would never guess how impeccably amazing he is. Many of his best qualities were learned through some rough experiences and he decided to stick with God when he could've turned his back forever. I'd rather have a flawed man that I know will stand as a beacon of light during dark times, than a perfect man that as soon as they are faced with their first tough decision you don't know how they will respond because they have never faced it before. Dave is the bravest man I have ever met and others don't give him enough credit.

Things I learned from working for The Food Network

-if the person in charge of you is a fast paced individual, match their level of intensity
-never ever ever look like you aren't doing something important
-no open walkies
-always have your headset on and ready to reply
-use common sense
-be detail oriented
-if they say "will you run to..." RUN
-no job is beneath a PA, so stop whining
-don't complain about other people
-hopefully "Chopped" will consider coming to Utah (they are fascinated by our food storage)
-eat the food at your own risk
-food in bulk is a great conversation starter at the grocery store
-call the stores to see if they have 170 lbs of meat before trying to go
-prepare to shower a lot and wash your clothes a lot
-always carry a leatherman
-it's better to have extra money at the end of the day than to not have enough
-do not wear low rise pants
-don't wait to be asked to do something, actively try to be helpful
-try to enjoy yourself

Depends

I woke up this morning slightly bummed about my current situation, I wanted to complain that I have no jobs or opportunities in my horizon  I won't lie, the numerous rejection letters to production jobs haven't been helping my confidence.Then I realized that isn't so. I've got an engagement session this week, I potentially have a wedding this Saturday, I'm working on a Tabernacle film for the Provo city center temple information booth and I could be going to Mexico in the beginning of February. Life isn't too bad.

Claire sang me to sleep today (while she was supposed to be napping)

Strangers

I like candid pictures...and taking of pictures of people I don't necessarily know. Near booming NYC attractions, it's easy to take pictures of people without them noticing (some I asked.)

Mrs. Doubtfire

What a selfie

Here are a few of my favorite things..

Screenshots

I'm going to be on TV (various episodes) in January. Oh joy. Haha, I find the scenes pretty ironic considering that I don't drink.

Last Episode, Rockefeller Tree and Face Painting

"....Monday you went to work, came home, and we fell asleep super early. It was wonderful. Tuesday you were gone until after 9 or 10. Which was also wonderful. Wednesday we worked out pretty much all day. What? Say it say it, what. Thursday was our magnificent day in the city and we did gloriously beautiful things, no questions asked. Friday night you worked, came home and both of us for some reason were exhausted so we went to sleep. Saturday was a great day, we worked out for hours, did laundry and yea and then we went to our dance thing, it was great. I think there is a reason I don't do the blog posts, catch my drift? Catch my, feel my, catch a drift? It's a rhyme time to be in a prime time. Where should I put these cookies? Lizi babe?  What? What are you laughing at, huh? What chu laughing at girl? Hey, Hey I said. Don't start writing stuff down what I say."-Dave

There's a time in your life that you realize you have just met an interesting person, not saying that everyone doesn't have their own odd quirks but you come across people who are extra special once and a while. I was requested to shoot on Tuesday for the last episode because we were going to have to do the kill scene twice and they wanted their "blood specialist" to be there.  Cleaning up the fake blood was extremely difficult because we used 4 times as much blood than usual, plus some cranberry sauce for coagulation. I actually spent my entire lunch hour cleaning up after it. This made me lose my appetite, spaghetti definitely didn't look appetizing after that.

I have found a mockingjay on set, if I hum a certain song by our second camera man I can hear the song eventually jump from each person until everyone in the crew has hummed it. My personal favorite song to make contagious on set is "Elmo's world." The story behind that is that a few episodes ago, they asked me to name a rap song and then they started singing some strange arrangement of who knows what so I said, "Elmo's world?"

The lady at the location we were shooting talked to her dolls as if they were real children. Plus, she had a tons of dolls in every room, the creepy kind that stare at you wherever you are in the room. To top that, there was a hibernating bear in the backyard. We could see it from the back porch window.

At the end of the day, I was washing the dishes we used in our episode and that's when it hit me. Life suddenly ran in slow motion. I could see other crew members running behind me in the reflection of the back window and just sunk it in-trying to enjoy the dwindling moments. I don't know why but I seem to always be the only person that is not ready for these types of things to end.

Wednesday I set up a LA Fitness guest pass account so that I could run these last two freezing cold weeks. I guess Dave thinks we worked out all day. I made Champ pose for pictures and he wasn't thrilled about it.

THURSDAY WAS A BIG DAY FOR US. I woke up cranky, when things come to an end I can sometimes get a little on the snarky side but the best medicine was going to take pictures in the city. Dave gave me a limit. I was only allowed to take 2 pictures....I only took 400. I got up the guts to take pictures of strangers at the Rockefeller tree because the people were usually too distracted by the view to notice me, my personal favorite is a picture I took of a girl taking a selfie (believe me, it's a funny one.)

Christmastime in the city has officially became my very favorite time of year. They encourage CHRISTMAS on every street corner and wrap entire buildings up like presents. Walking around is a magical experience, I'm so glad I have survived long enough to walk around NYC during Christmas season.

I had a friend who recommended that I try a butter beer from starbucks, I asked if it had caffeine and my friend reassured me that it was decaf. Well, they were wrong. After walking around 3 miles in the city, I was tired until I had that drink. Suddenly, my speech became fast and I wanted to go to the gym. We went and I did a zumba class, didn't feel like I was expending enough energy and then ran 5.5 miles....do you think it had caffeine?

My family celebrates a European Christmas holiday called The Nikolaus, our version is a lot less scary than the original holiday. So Dave and I tried to inconspicuously find out what everyone's favorite candy bar is. That turned into Maja yelling to everyone in each corner of the house, asking their favorite candy bar. We put everyone's boots on the front porch, filled their shoes with candy and then waited until morning....then it rained all night. So much for that idea lol.

Friday was the last day my crew was in the office...I'll be a little lost without them in the office. Atlas decided to have a lot of meetings on Friday too so it was a very busy day. I walked around in the rain all morning. Went to two very long meetings and one significant question later, I still had to finish all of the expense reports. By 8:30pm Alex told me to just go home, she even took everything left to do out of my hand. I will finish those up next week but I wanted to make sure she got everything done she needed to.

Saturday we went to the gym and got ready for Maddie's dance fundraiser. They recruited me to be a face painter....little does Katie know how much I LOVE to face paint. I can space out everything else in the world and focus on creating a beautiful masterpiece on a childs face. I only got like 10 faces painted by the end but they were glorious. The same thing happened this time that happened last spring at my niece's carnival. The other face painters get really weird around me...do you remember that Linda? It's odd because I'm not trying to compete or anything, I really just focus on butterflies, unicorn's and fairies. There usually is one really loud girl that begins yelling, "I'm an artist, I want to paint your face." I'm fine with that, paint their face. If they are in my line, let them decide haha.

The dancing is phenomenal there. It's a dance studio that is run by an Alvin Ailey alumni and you feel the emotion from every dance. There also was a tiny little redhead that looked exactly like Sadie Coleman dancing to the nutcracker.

I believe in giant Christmas Trees.

The Bronx, my FINAL and Pretending Salem NY is Las Vegas

Monday I was done, I had enough of the sickness. I decided to recover and to take my sleep very seriously. I haven't really been able to breath let alone let myself sleep. I usually expect to hate Novembers and if being sick the entire month is the worst that it gets, I'll take that over some of my past Novembers. If you haven't heard me talk about it before, I usually find that November is ironically the hardest month of the year. My theory is that trials remind you how grateful for the things that you still have going right. I used to have a plethora of other crazy theories but Dave helps calm the fire I build within my own anxious walls. I spent a lot of the day studying and worrying because....

Tuesday I took my final. Yes, my final final for my undergrad experience with BYU was Tuesday November 19th, 2013. I'm a horrible test taker, I had been looking forward to this day for so long but I still am confused why I chose Statistics as my last class seeing as it was probably my least favorite from my college experience. Well, I know there were a lot of people out there rooting for me to do well...and I'm not sure if I made you proud. I started out very strong but I soon double guessed and triple guessed every answer I wrote. Soon, minute long questions turned into 45 minute problems and the test took me 5 hours. I remember turning in my test, I thought I would have a huge relief and burden lifted from my shoulders but I had quite the opposite effect. I cried. The tears silently streamed down my face as I rode the subway home during rush hour. To my relief, no one really stared at me as I cried for the hour and a half ride home. I didn't know if I got a high enough test score to pass the class and I know that the score I would get didn't reflect how hard I worked this semester (which has been a constant hardship for me during schooling.) I did the first mind numbing thing I found, I saw a lady playing "candy crush" so I downloaded the game and played it to get my mind off of my life.

Wednesday was early morning production, whatever I had done the last few days to recover from the flu was useless since we shot all day in the blistering cold weather. I LOVE production though so it wasn't as horrible as it could have been. We went to Taylor's house to shoot the beginning and his parents are LDS so I was immediately introduced as the Mormon. I felt very comfortable in the house so I'm great with that. Then we had to made an Indian reservation look like Las Vegas for the kill scene which was a bit far fetched.  I am glad that the gang made a fire before they decided to be so vicious because every 20 minutes the crew could run over to the fire and huddle around it to warm up frozen fingers. 210 was a great episode because we had a boom operator (I picked apart that man's brain about being a freelance sound guy,) I got to run slate and 2nd AC responsibilities with second camera in the woods so I had a lot of energy and excitement for such a cold, late hour shoot. It was wonderful.

Thursday was more of a relaxing day, I felt weird not having to do any homework. I mainly snuggled Champ and Dave as we talked about our dreams for the future and what to make for dinner. Dave and I went to a huge mall as well to shop for Josh's birthday gift. We got distracted by massage chairs, uniqlo outfits, shoes and puppies but eventually found him a perfect gift. We gave him an ugly Christmas sweater for his wine bottles. I hope he liked it.

Friday all of Frenemies were out of the office and they tried to let me have the day off too but I stayed for a few reasons. I wanted to catch up a bit on the huge binder and I had told Angelica (another intern) that I'd go to Micaela's (another intern) benefit concert. I found out in the morning that Angelica went on a production shoot with Stalked so she said she would meet me in the Bronx. I was fine about it until Maron freaked me out that I was going to die and be chopped up into little pieces if I went there alone so I asked Micaela if I could leave with her even though she was leaving super early. It was a great decision, she knew where she was going, I didn't focus on getting lost or any other thing I happen to worry about and we got to talk a lot. It was good to see the perspective of another intern. She works on Frenemies as well but she does more of the research and pre-production aspects of it. So we talked about the day she got a phone call from one of the characters in prison to talk with her (scary, I know.) She goes to a school called Mount St. Vincent which is one of the prettiest campus's I've ever seen. She literally lives in a tower right off of the Hudson river. I guess the students don't like the school very much there but I thought it was GORGEOUS. It was fun to see them practice before the concert started too, I miss self run singing broadway reviews. I also love to observe people and this was a great chance to do it. I worried about Angelica though because she didn't show up before the show started AND her phone ran out of battery. She got there to see the last three songs and I could tell she felt really bad about it but I was just happy that someone asked me to do something (I'm pretty game for any group hangouts.) I also knew she was making much more of a sacrifice than I was, she was shooting in Sparta, she traveled to the Bronx and then traveled back to Staten Island....that's determination. After the show, the three of us went to get "drinks" (shirley temple's save my life) and it was really nice to get to know these two girls. They were very different from each other but I felt like I could connect with both of them individually. We talked until we almost missed our bus back into the city (that would have been VERY bad seeing as it was the last bus leaving that night) and Angelica and I talked a ton on the bus. She reminds me of Ana Chavarri a lot but with a thick New York accent instead of an Ecuadorian one. Driving down 5th Avenue at midnight a week before Thanksgiving is MAGICAL. There are so many lights and I'm taking Dave there when we get back from Thanksgiving because I haven't seen something so romantic since Europe. 12:20am in New York City is not late I guess. There were a lot of people roaming the streets which really helped me feel safe. I said my goodbyes to Angelica and made it on time for my last bus home to Bloomfield. I still don't know what I would've done if I got stuck in the Bronx or in the Port Authority Bus Terminal. Angelica didn't get home until 2:10am, that's crazy.

Saturday, I felt like Dave wanted to go in the city but he wouldn't admit it, plus I needed to rest. Someday I might actually get over this cold. He noticed I wasn't the most chipper version of myself so he sent me on a run, that genius. Runs always help my attitude. We had a hot date to Target, we saw crazy runaway carts hit cars and then walked around the store talking about everything under the sun. The girls from the night before told me they had to make binders about their experience at Atlas so I decided I wanted to make a binder about our experience here in NY so we originally went to Target for a simple binder. The sheet protectors are twice as much as the binder so now I have a binder without anyway to store all of my doo dad's inside, we'll figure it out.

Today, I forgot my tithing for church again and even though I don't recommend this to most people I felt like I should go home and get it during Sunday school. When I got back and finished writing everything down on the tithing slip, the sister giving the lesson got up and said, "Today we're going to talk about the importance of tithing." So hopefully I did the right thing. Dave has been sleeping since church, I fear the worst....he may indeed be catching the never ending sickness.

I believe in new friends, public transportation and binders.

Three Things that Changed My Life Forever (other than the obvious like marriage or moving to NY...etc)

1. The week before my junior year of high school I had the goal to say "Hi" to at least ten people a day, I was terrified since I was deathly shy of all living beings at that time. The next year I upgraded the same goal to saying "Hi" to every person I had ever I met, even if I had just been assigned to sit next to them the day before. I believe that this goal single highhandedly changed my social life, my self confidence and I ended up with hundreds of more friends than I had before. Who knew something so simple could be more than just an act of acknowledgement but an act of care.

2. I moved in with my sister Linda Lewis. I spent a good 20 years of my life wishing I could be closer to my sisters but they intimidated me so much (they are all very talented, drop dead gorgeous and outgoing.) When I ended up moving in with Linda and her family, I was so afraid that she wouldn't like me or that it would turn into a very negative experience. Instead, I gained a lot more confidence around my family and now all of my sisters are my closest friends, they make me feel like a better person, a happier person and mainly I feel loved around them.

3. Investing in a camera. I've always known I've had an attraction to photography/film and I'm a very visual learner. My mother is a brilliant photographer and the hobby was one of the many attributes I admired about her growing up. I used her camera's a lot in middle school and high school, spending lunch sessions in a dark room, editing concerts for my gma...etc but Dave made me buy my own camera right after we got married and it doesn't sit on my shelf getting dusty. I use a camera and think about photography/film at least 6 days a week. Every song I listen to reminds me of a way I could portray an emotion with film to the song, every day I see people I wish I could photograph to remember how classy they look. I try very hard not to be overbearing with my love or pressure people into having photography sessions or films about them because I understand that I am not the only person in the world that is passionate about the subject. However, if you ever want a photograph/film of you from me, I guarantee I've thought about it before and would be thrilled to document the lives of anyone.

I believe in goals, courage and passion.

Brooklyn, Two production shoots and a Throwing a Dummy in the middle of a lake.

This week was very eventful...or I'd not update anyone because once again, sick. Leaving me no motivation to be awesome.

Monday I helped out with Investigation Discovery shoot episode 210. I fell down a mountain like four times, the leaves were super slippery. I didn't have to go back into the city to catch a bus and that was a first. It was a long day and I still finished all of my assignments by the end of the evening. I also loved that our shooting location was with a woman named Purple, how great of a name is that?

Tuesday was the only day I had off. Dave and I went running and only accomplished 4 miles when the goal was 6. It was freezing cold and I'm pretty sure my lungs froze over. I think that day scared me a bit with it being so cold, I really had no desire to leave the house.

Wednesday, we finished the receipts for 3 episodes. Yes, that is a big win.

Thursday we went into Brooklyn to visit Bryan Hutchison and Naomi Flinders. We went in early to meet up with Bryan first but he had a super important project he was worried about so was at the studio. It's ok, Dave and I fell in love with Uniqlo and also the surrounding area. MOM IF YOU ARE READING THIS, UNIQLO SHOULD BE YOUR NEW FAVORITE STORE. Dave and I decided that Brooklyn would be where we live if we were to be near the city, it had our style of life. We met up with Naomi and Bryan at a place called Siggy's, it was delicious and very healthy (both are a big plus in the Fesler household.) It's a good thing that Naomi knows the area really well and had an opinion of what to do because I think the rest of us were fine with doing whatever. We strolled along the promenade, we went on a carousel, we shopped at an amazing middle eastern store, to the farmers market and a Trader Joe's in an old bank. Naomi is such a joy to be around, it was exactly the kind of day we were hoping for.

Friday I should've studied all day. My cold took a turn for the worse and I drank 7 lemon honey tea's to try and help it. We had two company meetings that were pretty cool, the man in charge of the accounts at Atlas Media and the head of the company at Atlas Media. Both very enlightening about the business of film, also, they had the best cupcakes I've ever tasted in my life.

Saturday I got to film with the same crew I usually work with yet for a different television series. Afrin is my best friend, yesterday would've been a million times harder without Afrin. It was also nice to see some of the actors we worked with before, they all got pretty close by the end of the shoot day. To add to all of that, we shot at the most amazing mansion by a lake I have ever been to and immediately following, probably one of the scariest drug houses I've ever seen. I got to be the dead body zipped up in the body bag, I felt like I was in the Boo box. I also got to help taylor make a fake dead body on the dock and get to throw it in the middle of the lake. Unfortunately, the fake head popped out of the water and so we wanted to shoot it again but then it was too far for our pole. So Taylor's not so brilliant plan was to go swimming in the freezing winter water to get the body out. We all vetoed that idea, found a boat, spent a good 45 minutes trying to get the dummy (covered in chains) out of the water and ended up making a different one anyway. hopefully it doesn't float to the surface in a few months and someone thinks it's an actual dead body. After we wrapped the set, I got to talk to the actors on the way home. I don't know why but I loved it so much, learning about what their long-term dreams are. They invited me to come eat with them afterwards, I made sure that it was a group thing before I agreed but I did have time to burn so it was nice to feel like I actually have friends and people who actually wanted to hang out with me when they didn't have to. My cold medicine wore off right about the time I needed to walk to the bus, so it was perfect timing. I stressed a little bit that the waiter wouldn't find the cash I had under my glass so I double checked to make sure that one of the actors would make sure he saw it and then slept.

Today, I've slept all day. I really need to study. I really need to pass this final, it's the only thing I have left to do with my entire college existence but I CAN'T STUDY. Not being able to breath doesn't help but if anyone wants to pray that I'll pass this class, I'd greatly appreciate it.

I believe in Brooklyn.

and other Spikey Objects

On Monday I went to Harlem for Equipment returns.

On Tuesday I took 4 TESTS. Took me 5 1/2 hours. It did not feel like a day off. I took the test at the Manhattan LDS institute, the missionaries would look at me oddly when they walked by because I often did jumping jacks and there were several deaf investigators in the office (whom I deeply wanted to sign with but wasn't allowed since I was taking tests for a super long time.) I have to be completely finished with my Statistics class by November 19 to officially graduate and it took seven weeks for my first test to get here. So that's the story. My final is on November 19, if any of you want to pray for this girl here.

On Wednesday I made a wardrobe breakdown and filed receipts (oh joy.) I also forgot a lunch for the first time since I got here so I chose a random place to eat. Wok to Walk turned out to be much better than I had originally anticipated. I wasn't going to start another book until after my Statistics class but I couldn't help but snag a cheap copy of Jane Eyre.

On Thursday I ran 6.5 miles in the rain. Dave went to the gym when I did it because he didn't want to run but I guess it wasn't raining in Clifton so he didn't know I was getting drenched. We also watched Kate and Leopold (based in New York) which was my favorite movie when I was 14 and Dave LOVED it, he was hesitant at first but ended up yelling for joy at the romantic parts.

Friday was November 8, I met Dave five years ago on this day at a Latin Dance. He wouldn't dance with me then so I was determined to go to a dance this evening. I found a dance but it ended up being for people older than 50 (HOW AM I SO BAD AT FINDING PARTIES?!) so we ditched that idea. I fell asleep super early and woke up 4 hours later, then I couldn't fall asleep again until 5:30 where I was woken by the sounds of an 11 year old playing the clarinet. At least I was grateful for my dear parents who endured me learning 6 DIFFERENT INSTRUMENTS in my youth.

Saturday Dave and I went into the city. We walked through Central Park (still absolutely gorgeous right now btw.) We went through the Natural History Museum (I was hoping to see Ben Stiller but unfortunately didn't get to.) We entered the Broadway lottery for Matilda and WON. I never win anything so it was a pretty big deal. We went to the closest cheapest restaurant and I randomly got to see my dear friend Katie Burdick who was only in the city for a day-trip. MATILDA WAS AMAZING! I'm glad dave has finally seen a play in which there was phenomenal acting, phenomenal music, and phenomenal messages. I was very pleased that it was clean and absent of the big league cuss words (that means a lot to me) because then you can really enjoy the pure talent without the cheap tricks. It got out at 10:39 so we ran to the bus to catch it on time. We were there by 10:44 but the bus had ALREADY LEFT, I'm still angry that they left early, it wasn't fair.

I believe in children.

JFK

They were passing out reprints of the newspaper from when JFK was assassinated to promote the National Geographic movie "Killing Kennedy" which will be premiering on the 50th anniversary of his death.....so I guess it's time you know that secretly I'm obsessed with the JFK assassination.

Head Wound

After sleeping off the exhaustion of production: I woke up, poured myself a bowl of cereal and began to devour it just as any other day. Dave came into the room to join me but stopped in his tracks as he looked at my face. Suddenly, he rushed by my side and started sifting through my hair.

"What are you doing?"
"Your head is bleeding. Badly."
...."No it's not."

Dave called for Katie to come look at it too and she seemed convinced as well, I had a head wound. But where did I get it from? I had no recollection of hitting my head and then I realized what happened. The night before, I was helping our actress rinse off all of the fake blood out of her hair and clothes and as she swung her hair out of the shower, fake blood was getting everywhere. To try and shield it I stood under her hair so the fake blood would drip on me instead of the homeowners floor. I was so worried, it looked like we had murdered something in the shower, the actress was freezing and everyone else in the crew were waiting outside to leave. I ran upstairs to grab her a change of dry clothing, towels and a whole roll of paper towels. She got dressed, towel drying her hair as I frantically cleaned the shower. I must say we were both impressed at how fast it went from murder to normal but I never thought to look at myself in the mirror. Dave picked me up when it was dark and so nobody would have really noticed blood dripping down my face until the morning.

I believe in paper towels.

Zach Gallifianakis, Acting and "Spookified"

My goal of writing on Sunday's is a poor choice. Sunday used to be my favorite day of the week, unfortunately, I'm often depressed on Sundays lately. I'm filled with anxiety of the next work week, I think of everything I wanted to get done but couldn't and my own thoughts have a way of poisoning my happy attitude. Honestly, last week was AMAZING but I worry that I won't be able to express my joyful moments as accurately right now because of my dreary disposition.

Last Sunday, Dave and I were invited to have dinner with Renny and Casey McDaniel. To give you background on them, my mother's childhood best friend is Casey's mother. Casey and Linda were on Cougarettes together. The families have history. We had a blast. At social gatherings, I often find myself shocked at the things that Dave says because he is HILARIOUS. Believe me, he's hilarious at home too but it's a different kind of funny and he often relies on shock value. It feels good to have a friend, though it is slightly forced since I actually stole this friend from my sister. Oh well.

I feel like so many things happened on Monday. I got threatened by a homeless man who followed me for two blocks, only a few hours later I was asked to model for another homeless man overly excited for the Columbus day parade, I got lost....more than once, I gave directions (hopefully that young soul got to the right destination,) I finally made friends with the mean lesbian, I got special access to go inside of a special weapons shop, I peeked my head into a gorgeous wild horse photo gallery, I almost lost my subway card without any money over an hour away in walking time from my work, I found myself standing right next to Zach Gallifianakis on the subway and I had my first TV show premiere on the travel channel.

Tuesday, I mainly worked on homework. I found out that I basically have a month to be completely be done with that class and it makes me more and more anxious as each day passes. So I mainly did that and tried to distract myself from being hungry all of the time (I started a new diet and I'm hungry all of the time.) Kylee, my dear dear dear childhood friend contacted me as well and asked me if I'd photograph her wedding! I was ecstatic! I have dreamt about being involved with her wedding specifically since I was a very little girl (she used to be my next door neighbor, it's not that weird.) However, she lives in Oregon and is getting married the weekend before Christmas. I'm going to make it happen, I HAVE to be there! The new plan is Dave is going to drive home (please don't die dave) and I fly to Oregon. Then, I'll ride home with the Smith Family just in time for Christmas Eve. This plan is potentially very flawed but with prayers, hopefully I'll see Dave before Christmas.

Wednesday was production......ahhhhhhhh.....production rolls off the tongue.......the hardest yet most rewarding part of filmmaking.....oooooooooooooohhhhhh. Yea, I love production with all of my heart. The more I pretend I don't, the more I realize that I make the most friends during production, I feel more satisfied with my life right after production and that it really is the heart of why I do what I do. I never get a good nights rest before a day of production, it's a mixture of nervous and excited energy that keeps me tossing and turning. It wasn't so bad because calltime was at 11am but I was well aware that I'd be out until at least midnight (man, I wish I got paid for my 15 hour days....that would rock.) We headed out to Sparta for 207, a script I am very familiar with since I transcribed the police report about the story. I also find myself drifting towards art department all of the time, I've worked with Coco on some Art department things back at BYU and since then Andrea (my Sundance bud) was an Art-Dog and now Taylor is a new friend. My ideal dream is to become a cinematographer for documentaries or an AC for fiction so I should probably start migrating to that side of the room. The house we went to had a HUGE DOG, with a droopy face, her name was Cleopatra and if she snuck inside, it was impossible to pull her back outside. As soon as lunch hit (6pm) I don't know what happened but I felt extremely happy and comfortable around everyone. I guess that was translated to them as "I want to be an extra in this episode" because they put me dead center of a party scene and a group of friends out in the middle of the woods. If you happen to see me on TV in the future, know that I'm WELL AWARE I'M NOT GOOD AT ACTING. While shooting in the woods, I thought it was hilarious how afraid everyone that bears were going to come eat us all. I know that Jersey has an oddly high amount of bears but do you really think that if a bear heard a lot of noise and saw a lot of bright lights that the bear would think hey, I should go eat those people? I don't. Regardless, Alan was practicing his ninja skills with a stick and we all said we'd leave Taylor behind since he had raccoon fur down the outside of his jacket. On the way back, I realized that I have never been in the city this late (nighttime hours scare me in big cities) and also that if I missed my bus at 11:45 there wouldn't be another bus until 12:45. We got back to the office at 11:41 and I decided to run for it (it averages 12 minutes walking to get from the bus stop to my work.) Everything was against me, the lights were timed poorly, the escalator was broken and as I ran up to the stop the bus was pulling out but I didn't run that hard for nothing so I ran through the door and ran in front of the bus to make it stop and let me on. It was a miracle.

Thursday I ran all 5.25 miles I had made the goal to do.

Friday wasn't bad but it seems that any day I spend mostly in the office, I'm just don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I almost booked a flight? I made some scans? I taped some receipts to paper? I wish I liked office jobs better. That night Dave and I got laughing so hard, I don't even know what it was about really but my abs hurt and I cried a ton from too much laughter. It was a jolly good time.

Saturday we went to the farmers market (very hippie) and then wandered around Montclair. They have a rockin' bookstore and we went to the halloween store to get some ideas of what we could be this year. Although, how much of an old lady am I? My top two costumes on my list are "I Love Lucy" or  Wilma Flinstone. The costume shop must have been the spark of the rest of the evening because we got Halloween CARAZY. We were going to carve our pumpkin but realized that Maja was probably saving to carve her pumpkin so that she can carve it with us so we waited. Instead we went onto pinterest and found other ways to decorate the house. Faces on doors, faces on microwaves, mummies on the knife block, hands on the toilet paper dispenser and a spooky sign on the bathroom door. To top it off, we watched The Sixth Sense (Dave's first time) and Hocus Pocus (it's twenty years old this year!)

Church was fine today. When we got home, the Williams had "spookified" our downstairs for us. We appreciate it greatly. We went to Maja's soccer game, it was intense. Soccer for 11-year olds  is a big deal here.

I believe in film production

Zombie Make Up Tutorial

How to do makeup for: Halloween, Ghost, Zombie, or Kei$sha costumes from Fesler Films on Vimeo.

Statue of Liberty, Brooklyn Bridge and Ground Zero

This week started out rough. I felt dark and empty so I skimmed. I lived to the bare minimum to get by without being insincerely enthusiastic or pessimistic. Thank goodness that drool of a routine died down.  I do feel required to include less than perfect feelings in writings about my personal life because I'm not perfect, I fully recognize that, so I shouldn't ONLY present myself as a happy and up beat person. Especially since talking through my emotions helps me dominate them. Do recognize though that it STARTED in a negative way and ended by far has exceeding it's expectation.

Took this shot on my phone while running with Champ

Though I may be allergic to our furry friend, having a dog in the house really lifts my spirits. You cannot help but smile when you walk into the door and the dog is ecstatic enough to run around the whole house, jump on top of you to lick you and then make one more lap (all when it's bum is wiggling back and forth ferociously.) Champ and my relationship grew a ton this week. Every dog that I've gotten extremely close to has been able to read my emotion in a truly beneficial way. Dogs listen and know exactly the next steps in getting you out of the gutter. They let you know they are close, they keep your feet warm, they run with you. I cannot wait for him to return on monday.

This was one of the police reports in work, doesn't he look like Bruce Willis?

Work, which I usually love, was hard for another reason. One of the shows I have to work on is about two best friends killing each other and it seems cheesy but having to write word for word the gory details really weighs heavily on an individual. I get squeamish too so whenever I felt that twinge I got up and let the blood flow for a bit. Both Wednesday and Friday were spent doing that so it didn't help the attitude issues. I got back into running and it's so therapeutic for me. Champ doesn't like the way I run, he doesn't understand  if he is supposed to sprint or walk but apparently those are the only two exercises he's familiar with. This allows him to push me though to go farther and faster than my average pace.

I have an obsession with carousels as of late.

I've had a lot of inspiration from odd sources too. Random vimeo films, blogposts of people pouring out their souls in such depth, documentaries meant to scare me, a long talk with former LDS members, a conference on usually uncomfortable topics, a friend sent home unexpectedly...etc. I thought I would sit down and I could provide you a step by step list on how to rid yourself of doubts, or how to empathize with women in the world (yea, it kind of is a problem but don't think I'm an extreme) or how to treat loved ones who leave your belief system behind but I don't know. Everything is more "to each your own" than I originally thought. While I do want to write some thoughts that I have been happening because I think people can relate to things I have learned. I have not yet found an approach without sounding preachy preachy. Meanwhile, I'm going to continue to: Love deeply. Enjoy my locale. Listen. Live life for me.

We have a new nephew. His name is Franklin. Since I can't visit the babe, I liked this street we walked on.

Is this a flattering picture of me? No. But I was happy to be there so sue me.

This was at ground zero. There was a reverence surrounding it. A peace. A refuge. 

We went into the city together yesterday (Fri, Sept. 28) and really got to explore a new area of town. Hitting SoHo, the Brooklyn Bridge, that cool huge red cube, the financial district, some form of Ocktoberfest, and Ground Zero. I have some bomb awesome pictures on my 5D Mark ii but it takes a lot for me to want to plug it into my computer for some reason. I like having my pictures with me, reminding me that we both have a little secret. We are trying to go to Oneonta this weekend. We don't really have it in the budget but it is needed, our little European sanctuary in the woods, away from the chaos would be so helpful.

Her Majesty

Her Majesty from Pigtail Productions on Vimeo.

I get inspired by so many films. Check it out on Vimeo, you'll really like it.