I Am Free

July is about freedom, right? So how did you free yourself this July?

It’s been a monumental month for my family and I. A new years goal I have constantly been trying to attain is….don’t let the things you are afraid of, hold you back any longer. That covers a lot of areas, would it for you? What are you afraid of saying? What are you afraid of looking like? Who are you too embarrassed to see because of something you did wrong? Are you accomplishing your what if’s? I tend to run from problems and try to hide under a rock but I’m not fooling anybody. 

I have spent too long hating myself.

I am free.

I am free to love the man of my dreams. He loves, respects and treats me very well.

I am no longer afraid to say I need anxiety medication.

I am free to feel peace.

I am free to feel better about myself

I am free to eat food that provides energy and long lasting nutrition

I am no longer ashamed to ask for money for my profession. 

I am no longer afraid to ask questions

I am no longer embarrassed of my work, each project has taught me millions.

I am free to research, zone out and learn as much as I can to become better.

I am no longer afraid to express my deep love for animals.

I am not afraid to disagree with someone, as long as I do so respectfully, with candor and honesty.

I am going to be free of destructive friends and not feel guilty about it.

I am not afraid to cry.

I am not afraid to dance.

I am free to say no. 

I am free to smile. 

I am free to make friends everywhere I go. (A few of those consist of a make up artist from Macy’s, the woman I sat next to on the plane, anyone I choose to sit next to at social events…etc)

I am no longer afraid to stand up for those I care about. They are worth it.

Yesterday, on our walk, I felt the full benefits of my freedoms. We are living our dreams. I watched my husband run full speed, barefoot, in a meadow, with a giant dog by his side. I know how happy that makes him. I watched my baby discover many new objects with great curiosity. I woke up early this morning, ran in the rain and finished a package of photos for a client. I have lost 20 lbs and feel that since I can get over an addiction to sugar, I can do anything.

I think of where I was on the 2nd of July: Anxious, Tired, Nervous about July, Depressed, Unmotivated, Spiritually hesitant, ashamed of myself, stuck, feeling worthless, and avoiding everyone. My symptoms became life-threatening. I couldn’t even fathom attempting to survive last week of the month. Last week happened, things didn’t go perfectly but I did what I could with what I had and was able to let go of the things I couldn’t control. There are triumphs worth celebrating. July is that for me and it once again returning to my favorite month position.

After The Storm

"On my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.

I'm scared of what's behind 
and what's before.

And there will come a time, 
with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, 
but dismiss your fears.
With grace in your heart 
and flowers in your hair."        -Mumford and Sons

This is what I long to feel like. This is what I'm striving to accomplish. These words are powerful. I'm falling short but I'm pushing the resentment out of my heart. I want to recover instead of rot. I want undying hope. I want to look towards the heavens confessing my faults. I no longer want fears controlling me.

I believe in kneeling.

"For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

-Mark 8:36

A Revelation

There is something that I absolutely love about Sundance to the core and it's not what you would expect either.
Yes, it's fun to be able to beat everybody at ping pong because they are super drunk.
Yes, I love the people I am meeting and the fact that so many went to Full Sail (which was the university I was really hoping to go to before I was convinced not to apply.)
Yes, it is amazing to be with people who have such incredible work ethic.
Despite all of it, my biggest scariest part about starting this internship was I worried that they were all coming to my turf. Let's just say, there seems to be a pattern in my life when people come to Utah and then all I hear are complaints about this place. Do you know how heartbreaking it is that I automatically expect that reply now? Well, guess what.
The people who come to the Sundance Labs LOVE Utah. They appreciate the beauty. They appreciate the history. They don't necessarily like the price of alcohol but they get over that. They respect that I don't do all of the same activities as them and yet I feel accepted.

Main point, I hear the kindest words about Utah from those I've met through Sundance and it fills me with a pride I've been longing for.

Spring Fever

CHERIE 25 Habillage from MATHEMATIC SAS on Vimeo.

I've got spring fever. How about you?

A Love Note

One of our senior missionaries at work went into surgery a couple of weeks ago. He later received this note with a plate of cookies.

"Dear reader

your life has almost ended so before you die enjoy the cookies

I know you will be happy up there.

from Activity Grils"

We both had a good laugh.

Pat Fiso

Pat Fiso from Fesler Films on Vimeo.

Pat Fiso passed away last week and I had a great opportunity to visit her with my camera a couple of months ago. I love her sweet soul and I think it is evident in this film what she holds as her highest priority.

I believe in the after-life.

"I stop typing. I'd expected the stories to be sweet, glossy. I realize I might be getting more than I'd bargained for."

-The Help, Kathryn Stockett

This was my brother-in-laws status today:

After three years on the job market, 144 job applications, 126 rejection letters, 18 conference & telephone interviews, 13 more rejection letters, 5 campus interviews, & 4 more rejection letters, today I received & accepted a tenure-track job offer. New York here we come!

I am thrilled! I always knew that one of us would end up in New York and Kim definitely has always been the traveler of the family. This also shows how hard it is to find jobs though, the right one said yes but does that scare anyone about the economy's future? I mean, I may have overdone it for internships and I may not have even one internship say yes to me but I feel that it will be ten times harder with searching for full-time employment. Danny is overqualified with his resume, he is an AMAZING teacher, he may get nervous for interviews but when you really care about something, don't you get nervous? Anyway, my family is very excited about this opportunity for them.

People are depressed right now.
I can feel it.
They blink less, the smiles are more forced and the words that pour can't help themselves but be harsher, less patient and fearful.


It's exquisite.
It's honest.
Life is catching up with us.
We are forced to contemplate the questions we've been running away from.


These particular posts have resonated with my past pains, struggles and fears (and maybe a few I've been avoiding recently:)

 

When I Grow Up from The Academy on Vimeo.
"But He Said No."-Jessica Cooper
"On Body Image, Again."-Jennie Brown
"Being a Small Business Owners Wife."-Becky Pitcher
(^This one seemed to slap me in the face since it shows the reality of my field, my social pressures and our hopes of having our own business someday.)

I believe in aches. It's good for us.

Awesomes and Awkwards

Awkward:
-a girl broke her wrist on the "new and improved" zipline
-Sadie (my 2 year old niece) sat on the floor and would yell "stop bugging me" even though I was at the table in the other room.
-I smelled weird this week. I hate that.
-We were an hour late to Ben Petersen's premiere...and it was over when we got there.
-We caught the mouse in a trap :( but it was taking a long time to die so Dave teared up as he killed it and after that, I realized how easy it would for him to hit my head with a  rock...

Awesome:
-I got accepted to go to China....but need to figure out if I should go
-We won our tournament games!
-My new camera came in the mail! (Strong smell of cigarette smoke though. I'll figure it out with kitty litter or somethin.)
-I had a lot of candy to give out on the last day of class to strangers!
-I got dad to sit down long enough to watch The Artist and I knew he would love it! (PS I've been really into watching the cheesy yet magical Christmas movies....oh the horror)
-Sonia came over during her dinner break at her dream job. I've missed her so.
-During volleyball, everybody joined in as we clapped after each play. We were imitating fancy tennis matches.
-The Noorlanders are coming for Christmas! I can hardly wait.
-The Nicholaus didn't deliver to the wrong door this year! But he was robbed, so the amount of candy took a hit.

I believe in (and am slightly addicted to) Christmas parties!

Last Day

Though we've had a chance to glimpse at each other's lives, we're all still half strangers.
They stood there and said, "I guess I might never see you guys again."
Alyssa hugged all the guys as I stood there awkwardly trying not to cross any boundaries.
Then, we all wished each other good lives, turned away and walked forward.

That's how I want to remember saying goodbye to college.

Camera Comes Between Us

June 25, 2012

Recent ponderings: gadgets.

Doodads that get in the way--applies to most individuals.

My experience in particular has gone from loving these such tools, to loathing them, to just plain confusion.

There's only so many: people to text, games until boredom, socializing sites to stalk..etc

Confusion sunk in at about 6:11 yesterday eve when my camera was attached to my eye socket

Is my camera coming between my loved ones and I? 

The thought disgusted me.

Camera attends most family gatherings but instead of dancing or eating the cake I'm "capturing" the rest of my family doing it. 

November 6, 2012

I write a lot of posts that don't surface but this one I thought could be beneficial. Since this thought from the summer, Hairy Chest has a very specific duty of taking away my camera when it has gone too far. Now, I may have missed some moments to take a picture but man, I sure loved experiencing them myself.

Step away from your gadget today, empower yourself.

Peery Premiere

While Dave was gone, our Kiva film premiered at the Change-maker fair. 

It seems like everything blindsided me last week-even though I had warning that it would all happen. 

The Shockers:

-Dave went to Vegas and I wasn't invited. Since when did HE leave town without ME? I like it better the other way around (if at all.) 

-The trees are gone. The first day, they only took down 4 and left the tree with the zipline and I thought, "hey, that's not so bad." The second day, they took down the zipline tree and those surrounding it. The third day, they chopped down my favorite tree. Where am I supposed to sit while eating dinner? A table? Boring. That third day was an emotional day for me all around and coming home to a half-a-favorite-tree was a culminating eye-leaking factor.

-The premiere was a big deal. Should I have known that a lot of people would come, we would be asked questions and our films would be put on such a public display? Yes. Yet, I couldn't help but feel like I was in a pageant and the fact that our film was alongside the "Africa" film made viewers unappreciate the rich culture of Louisiana (Oh I have an ear full of thoughts Africa later, believe me.) Just....don't forget the REAL reasons why we became filmmakers, it's not to luxuriously travel the world taking picture evidence of where we've been. At least, I joined for a much more exalting reason and I don't want to lose that for the desire to be recognized. 

-Our intramural volleyball game went incredible for never playing with a few of the players. Seriously, volleyball is such an outlet for strong emotion.

I believe in refinement.

“Sadness, disappointment, and severe challenge are events in life, not life itself.. They can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining center of everything you do. “Men are, that they might have joy.” His intent is that each of us finds joy. ” -Richard G. Scott (1996)
Finding Joy in Life

My sister works at the hospital as a psych tech and witnesses a lot of individuals attempting to take their own lives.  This last week, there has been a drastic increase of students attempting suicide and it may be a result of increased workload, midterms or personal family struggle. Since this age range is one of the biggest for the blogging world, I feel compelled to address this issue. If you are overwhelmed, situationally or clinically depressed, there is always hope-seek it. There is a lot of hurt in the world but suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I believe in help.

Walk The Streets at Night

It was the middle of the night. 

I was cold, despite the summer heat.

My house was pitch black but I could see the twinkling street lights reflecting off the wall of the living room. 

I wanted to go. 

I wanted to walk the streets at night. Barefoot. Dragging a stick across the dirt while I went.

I wanted to run. Fast. So fast I'd be gasping for air. 

A tingling was calling me to the streets. The sweet smell. The soft breeze. The hazy smoke. 

Oh my, dirty toes. 

"We Can Do Hard Things"

New household phrase. Constituted regularly.

Try it.

Why?

Because we CAN do hard things.

We can set up a Drive Inn movie event,

We can talk to really scary police officers,

We can make cardboard cutouts of people,

We can clean our ridiculously cluttered room,

We can screen-write and direct a fiction piece

We can compose, choreograph, dance, film and animate a french film,

We can log long interviews,

We can run 7 miles in one night,

We can work 30 hours a week,

We can learn statistics,

We can live through nightmares,

We can breath, thus, we can survive.

Inspired by this. Implemented by this. Held together by this.

Internship

I was SURE I wanted internship. I blocked off the time, I worked around a schedule, I budgeted out the expenses, I informed those who needed to be informed and then for some reason it still didn't work out.

In an ideal world, I would be settling into a nice studio apartment in either California or New York right about now, ready to start what I call "internship" at a great company. I prolonged graduation for this opportunity, I didn't commit to anything over the summer and I made sure I wouldn't get preggers until after the experience. Yet, somehow, I'm sitting here in my Provo apartment typing you that yes, I'm quite disappointed in myself.

I've loved the opportunities that have risen to take the place of internship but oh how I long to be doing what Bri Borup, Greg Barnes or even Ashley Moser get to do. I'm VERY happy for them but at the same time, wish I were sharing a similar experience and had one of those irresistible personalities. Most of all, I don't break commitments. It's not my personality. Guilt succumbs me. So I feel morally obligated to regretfully inform you that nobody wanted me this summer. Little do they know, I don't give up so easily.

HOLD UP! There are a plethora of reasons to celebrate.

I'm still lame but if I WERE in California, I wouldn't have all of this:
-A job I adore at the Motion Picture Studio
-A new spacious apartment
-As involved with our Louisiana project
-The time to make a United Way video
-A chance to finish animating Sophie
-Sleep
-Money
-A Fesler asleep on my bed


New plan:
Attempt to prolong graduation (again.) Either continue teaching film, attempt to be awesome in SFA, intern with Yo Gabs, get a non-student job (somewhere like Campaign for Real Beauty) or get pregnant with a beautiful baby boy named Elliot.

If none of those work out you can officially deem me boring forever.

I'll design the trophy.

Super Secret [Agent] Project

Unless you heard the pitch of my capstone idea, you probably have no idea what it's about.

And in some ways that is rightly so. 

I give the wishy washy answers when I tell people about it because the subject is quite delicate. Also, I find more people surprised that I'm a non-fiction student who is successfully shooting a documentary capstone. I don't know why that's unheard of but I can definitely see that it can be a daunting task to accomplish.


I've got to get over the secrecy though because capstones are supposed to show our peak of artistic expertise. Usually you flaunt your project; make websites, fan-pages, youtube trailers and have multiple screenings. But this isn't just any story. Real hearts were broken, families torn apart, regrets left to live with, ugly controversies to choose from and for a reason (that is beyond me,) God trusted me to document it.

It had to have been from a Supreme Power because He gave us intuition. Intuition recognizes authenticity which leads to an open heart. These ladies now trust me and I hold power that I can hardly handle. My next step is off a cliff. . . and all I can pray is to fly.

Happiness is not for Liars

Your pants are on fire.

Happiness is such a broad term and is hard to understand unless you're facing it first hand. When you're not, it can be hard to remember just how splendid life is.

Documenting happiness can be brilliant, joyous, genius, inspirational and just plain fun. . . unfortunately it can also make you seem like a big fat liar (and glutton for punishment, too far away from reality, too unrealistic, too hypocritical, too self centered.) Honestly? The name of this blog has been a the falling anvil on my head.

Sometimes, I'm so mad I scream into my pillow. Sometimes I'm so happy, I have to wait until those around me aren't looking so I can victory dance. But my lips seem to be sealed when I sit down to type it all out when I know there is an audience awaiting. (Oh, what would they think of me? People don't share what they really feel on blogs. Everybody's lives seem so perfect.) well Captain Obvious, you fall short too. And. . . Life is too short to be dishonest. Your virtual personality in actuality can represent you(r true self) more fully.

So be your fierce self and dare to publish.