That's it?

There are two questions that I dread the most in this world: "That's it?" and "Why are you here?"

-I should have been an ostrich because when "That's it?" is said to me, I want to bury my head deep into the ground. Thankfully, this has changed but once upon a time, if you wanted to break my heart it was that easy.

I remember when I was interested in Music Composition and the high school band teacher said I had a knack for it. I'd write songs for extra credit in his classes and one time he said that he'd have the whole band perform my most recent piece if I'd write out the different parts for the different instruments. I decided that if my teacher liked that song so much then I'd give it a chance and perform it for a friend (which I usually didn't do.) There I sat, in my favorite practice room, a place I spent many school lunch periods when I wanted to get away from the madness of the hallways. My fingers hit the notes perfectly, although shakily. I came to the end of the song, looked over and my friend said, "that's it?" I felt my entire body sink low and immediately hot blood rushed up to my cheeks displaying my pure humiliation. I haven't written a song since.

Coming into the film program, I was rightfully worried about this issue of pleasing others with my work. One thing I learned from that first production class was how to take criticism and my attitude about this situation has completely revamped. Now, when I happen to hear a co-worker or an opinionated relative express their views of my insignificance, I want to prove them wrong. Often, I think about what they say until I make another film with adaptations and I usually find the advice very helpful. I don't give up my signature for them though, I like it when my films still gives you a certain feeling I don't know how to describe but provides a liaison between souls.

-"Why are you here?" are four words that seems to bring on an evaluation of my life no matter where I hear it. My initial response will always want to be "I DON'T KNOW!" and running away. Even when asked innocently but that's mainly because I start thinking deeply about how I became the person I am and what I plan for my future. I also have a fear of imposing; I long to be around others but feel that I'm often more of a burden than much else.

So there you have it, some sticks and stones. Quite the career path I chose in relation to these but I've always loved a good challenge.

Happy New You!

The snow was falling. The pants put on. The frying pans used as sleds. Some kids were sick, a few just with frozen fingers. The backyard was designed specifically to play in and we took full advantage of it. I've been on a filmmaking frenzy. If you can't tell.

Word from the Les Miserables (2012) Director: Tom Hooper

"I did wonder whether the form of musical would give me permission to loosen some of the sometimes-rigid constraints of being a realist; yet, at the same time, I felt very much that the key to making a musical work is to ground it in the real world. That tension between the desire to make it feel compellingly real and the desire to be more of an expressionist in some choices was a key dynamic that I navigated with Danny in shooting."
                                                                    -Tom Hooper

Instead of recording music tracks before the shoot and having the actors lip sync their songs during the shoot, Hooper had the actors record their numbers live on set hoping to get more emotion from a live performance. 

I believe in realism.

How We Fell in Love with NOLA

I made this film a while back. I'm not sure why, other than I wanted a behind the scenes film accompanied to our trip to New Orleans. We had a lot more shots that we loved than what we could put in the Kiva piece so this was the result. I didn't feel like sharing it until today. 

Maybe one reason is because one of our crew members, Jason Brown is not featured which is embarrassing but probably attached to 1) my feminism, 2) the fact he isn't my husband and 3) my forgetfulness. So don't be offended? It was a blunder.

Enjoy How We Fell in Love with NOLA.

Silence

Silence leaves a small faint ringing in the ears
As if it is leaving a shadow from the last thing it heard
I sit there, wishing to fill it unsuccessfully
Instead, it haunts.

I love to sit at the end of the bed. 

Lucy feeding while Kim and Linda chat. 

The snow gently hitting the windows. 

The sound of distant giggles and child play. 

The smell of wood burning in the fireplace as I wiggle my toes in my wool socks.
Sipping citrus tea and feeling the solitude in a crowded home.

 Mindless. Surreal. Easy.

I believe in home.

3 Things 2012 Taught Me

1. Natural is always better.
Face the world, literally, not behind an inch of face-paint. I'm not saying that you should not look presentable in the day, or have an aura of carelessness because that won't get you very far. The more honest I've been with myself, the more sincere others have been to me, the better. This also applies to filmmaking. Pictures and Video always look better when taken with natural light so next time you've got a camera in your hand, take them next to a window before you snap the shot. Believe me, it's changed my life and entire perspective (one of the reasons I loved the new Tom Hooper's Les Miserables is because it was right down my alley of raw emotion, shallow depth of field and imperfections in voice and lighting. Plus, the entire cinematography of establishing shots, coloring and awkward angles were divine! If you can't tell, your friends can't help but share how they felt about the production because how intimate they came with the storyline. Think about that, extreme close ups.)

2. I want to see the world.
I want to see it for what it really is, I yearn for it's complexity. This was awakened in my soul this year, I've always loved to travel but I didn't realize the gift my parents gave me growing up when we went to other countries with the people that actually live there, it wasn't glamorized, we focused less time on the tourism hotspots but rather the people. I'll willingly admit of my wanderlust and appreciate National Geographic giving me ideas for future destinations here. We almost lived outside of the country for the first 6 months of 2013 but had to turn it down, I'm disappointed in some ways but know that it didn't work out for a reason (I look forward to that reason too.)

3. We are good enough. I ache for opportunities to empower others (but must first accept myself simultaneously.)
I've been well aware of where I fell short this year, especially my fears which I had hoped would dissolve into my past instead of stick to me like wet socks. Allow yourself to be happy where you are and recognize that sometimes it is best to accept it and move on. Although I sound like a toddler when saying it, "I can do hard things" is a powerful statement you can tell yourself often. Getting over myself has been so hard and yet it's one of the reasons why I long to go other places, I want to progress so I can be a part of the progression of my fellow beings.  If you've had a year that you feel like your prayers keep calling a busy tone like me; look at what you have accomplished instead of what you couldn't get around to, look at your less than symmetrical face reveling in the fact that strangeness is beauty and say "Good Enough" more.

Other things I learned.
-I love Indie Music and resisted it for so long.
-I guess Dave and I are hipsters? Not the trendy kind or the grungy kind but my family voted us as them. Whatever that means.
-The cold is good for me.
-I like the second year of marriage even better than the first.
-I make more friends by playing volleyball.
-How to use my camera.
-Anger.
-Not every weekend needs a party.

Is it obvious I love bathing beauties?

I told you to get used to seeing her face.

I believe in baths.

Something called Perfection!

Christmas has been perfect, in every way possible. I'm amazed by how much has happened the last couple of days. Dave and I stayed up Christmas Eve and I could hardly sleep. He could barely stand waiting to open presents until the morning. We woke up to our upstairs neighbors screaming in delight over something (probably shocking.) Spent all day at my parents with all of my siblings. Waffles and the most scrumptious dinner. For my presents to my sisters I printed big versions of a picture for each family. It went very well; mom and dad both cried. Katie and I also gave out a CD of songs that I my dad sings, as well as a few extra favorites from our family. Erika is pregnant. The timing was great, the chaos was great, and the company was sublim.

 

Everything else? I'll just talk in pictures. These are how the days went.

 

I believe in Santa.

Soon it will be Christmas Day!

I adore this little one.

Who doesn't love hannah's baking creations.

Anna is happy about tomorrow.

We've got the enforcers. Well actually this is a present for Katie, we framed it and put "please remove your shoes" on it but she never checks my blog so don't worry about her seeing it.



Ethan seems especially excited about tomorrow.

We're still figuring out the white balance on this new camera but I thought Ben was hilarious standing in front of the rest of the nativity.

 

I believe in Christ.

On this day....

And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."

                -I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

Airports

I'm overjoyed that I finally got to meet little Lucy! Get used to seeing her little face.

Coming to a Close-College

Mr. Brown once said, "When coming to the conclusion to a part of your life, the beginning and the ending is what you remember the most." At the time, this was a major compliment since we were his last class before he left for Texas (or maybe being compared to howler monkeys and cockaroaches in cookie dough were insults but I'll take it all as if he were saying we were the best class he ever had.)

At the thought of concluding college, I remembered how bad I was at saying goodbye and avoided ending it. I saved one last class to take when I please; for my sanity, for reassurance of an open ended question and to graduate "quietly." I wanted to be in control of this closure so that it was during my timeframe. Not that I don't appreciate the celebratory dinners, walking in front of hundreds of people and graduation presents. I just fear closing books, even when it's my own story because I'll realize how much I wished to accomplish but wasn't able to. Instead, on the day of my graduation, I can be at home with my dear husband sipping hot chocolate and living my day as nothing different has occurred.


Pic from my first year. We were obsessed with bonfires.



My current ID card picture....not much has changed. huh.

Since I will be discreet about this mysterious future date: I'll recount some of my most memorable experiences that flow in my mind about the last 4 and 1/2 years. Here I spill.

-Right before college, a piece of my hair caught on fire. I had been so good at growing it out since in highschool my hair was mainly a bob. I had to pretend that I purposely decided to have a chunk of it significantly shorter than the rest.

-We had two traditions as roommates, we set up hopscotch and on particularly difficult days we would hopscotch to "Hot and Cold" because for some reason it was the only song that the beat fit the squares we had on the floor. Our neighbors downstairs were not amused with the ruckus. Other nights, when we were too melancholy for the energy, we'd lay there and listen to "May Angels Lead You In." That's what Samantha and I did the night I found out Amanda had died.

-When Provo thawed in March and April of 2009, my roommates and I danced in the rain EVERY DAY. Joyous to behold, I'm sure.

-Capgun hide and go seek was by far the best game we've created spur-of-the-moment.

-Salsa dancing every Friday night. We'd either go to Denny's or watch a movie afterwards and I remember one night waking up in the middle of a movie at 4am with Kristian, Roman, Jaime, Ana, and Samantha sprawled all around dead asleep.

-Watching Singing in the Rain every Sunday or Psych with Sam and Alex. On our ghetto tv VHS player.

Photo cred: Rachel J.

-Burning things at Devils Anus and secretly holding hands with Dave on the way home. I remember the day Elric almost set me on fire and that Hugo saved me because Dave was peeing somewhere away from the commotion.

-The day we spray painted our room and it went through the vents and dyed everything else blue. Including my nose hairs.

-The day we frantically tried to repaint our room before our crushes saw their names on the walls.

-Almost winning the intramural volleyball tournament in second division, literally two points away. I was so stressed I thought I would have a heart attack then and there.

-On cold winter mornings, I learned from JiHye to spend 10 minutes in the sauna to warm up your body temperature. Or Amanda's raquetball guitar dancing for when we needed a break from work.

-Drawing a stallion on Dave's chest and painting our face with highlighters for the black light party.

-On the day all of my friends were finding out if they got into the film program or not, I jump roped at work to release some energy. Dave told me over the phone that I got in and I cried. Mainly because I couldn't believe he hacked into my email and told me before I got to look for myself. Weird, I know.

-I remember how disgusted Jessica was when I dipped my feet into the water in Venice. She wouldn't let me sleep in the same bed as her and made me wash my feet every night, twice.

-185 was my favorite class. It was my sole focus for that semester so that worked out perfectly. Every person I met from the class still makes me smile if I see them. I wanted so desperately to be friends with them in places other than class but I didn't know how to do that.

-When Dave and I broke up, my diet was mainly biscuits and every night I had to do yoga or I wouldn't sleep. I couldn't figure out how to turn on my heat so the LHP was so cold and it still had the green 70s carpet.

-Vegas with the girls before Sonia left on her mission was an ironic experience. Yet, long live Cici's Pizza, free outdoor shows, temples in the midst of the city of sin and cheap weekend getaways.

-How honored and thrilled I was when 2 of my documentaries made it into the Final Cut Film Festival.

-Our "Next Year in Manti" activity, where I forgot underwear and forgot how windy it is in Manti so my new fiance (Dave, of course) let me borrow his underwear so I wouldn't expose myself to the whole world.

-Two days after my wedding, we were in IKEA shopping for furniture and Stephen called me to tell me I was accepted into the SFA. I was so happy I jumped on beds that weren't mine.

-I remember yelling "Marriage is what brings us together today!" with Dave as we drove away from the temple on our wedding day. And that Dave was late to the ceremony because they wanted a sandwich.

-I wanted to dance all of the time as a newly wed. I don't know why but I just wanted to release my soul without any concern of how I looked like.

-We kept our Christmas lights on in our first apartment all year.

-Being able to document Jessica Payton's Birthday which was ironically the same day she got her mission call to Cape Verde.

-Making a youtube series with Jessica Cooper, actually all of my experiences making films with her have been extremely positive. Whether that be aerial dancing, words, social entrepenuership films or weddings.

-NO, LA. One night, Katie Ercanbrack and I were feeling adventurous and went on Bourbon street with all of our camera/sound equipment and a man chased us. It was scary. Or the night we watched the couple get hit by the car. We really did have a splendid time though, promise.

-Having the most epic last summer family reunion vacation on Aurora Corner, SD.

What gentlemen. Photo cred: KT C.

-Sonia coming back home and getting her dream job. I love that she comes to French night and that we have a promising geo-cache future.

-Dave's frozen underwear. Still cracks me up everytime.

-The fact that I make the most of my new (or reformed) friends through volleyball.

-Living two blocks from Erika and Linda; with BYU football games in our backyard, ziplines, crepe sundays and kitty soft paws. Erika was singing a solo in sacrament and when she hit the really high note it inspired a young boy in the back of the room to join her in song.

-They played Metro Station's Shake It the last day of classes, which is the exact same song that played my very first day of school.

I believe in schema. Sharon would be so proud.

7am Finals

I'm lucky and get two finals at 7am this week. Joy.

But if they were all like the one I just had, it was worth it.
"I never dated a Nathan, I'm really bad with names."-Annie
"Well, all of the guys I dated were named Adam."-Tricia
"....Hahahahahaha! It's like the old woman that names her dog the same thing every time it dies and has to get another one!"-Sarah


Then, minutes later The Final Countdown starts blaring from the speakers as the last student gets up to turn in their test.
Almost instantaneously and without any hesitation, Greg gets on the stage dancing and mouthing the words to the empty seats before us.

I believe in teaching....assistants.

Party-sauras Rex

Won't lie, the full version of this is hilarious. Even though it's only like 2 minutes. I feel like Rex sometimes and this eases that stress.

I believe in glowsticks.

Awesomes and Awkwards

Awkward:
-a girl broke her wrist on the "new and improved" zipline
-Sadie (my 2 year old niece) sat on the floor and would yell "stop bugging me" even though I was at the table in the other room.
-I smelled weird this week. I hate that.
-We were an hour late to Ben Petersen's premiere...and it was over when we got there.
-We caught the mouse in a trap :( but it was taking a long time to die so Dave teared up as he killed it and after that, I realized how easy it would for him to hit my head with a  rock...

Awesome:
-I got accepted to go to China....but need to figure out if I should go
-We won our tournament games!
-My new camera came in the mail! (Strong smell of cigarette smoke though. I'll figure it out with kitty litter or somethin.)
-I had a lot of candy to give out on the last day of class to strangers!
-I got dad to sit down long enough to watch The Artist and I knew he would love it! (PS I've been really into watching the cheesy yet magical Christmas movies....oh the horror)
-Sonia came over during her dinner break at her dream job. I've missed her so.
-During volleyball, everybody joined in as we clapped after each play. We were imitating fancy tennis matches.
-The Noorlanders are coming for Christmas! I can hardly wait.
-The Nicholaus didn't deliver to the wrong door this year! But he was robbed, so the amount of candy took a hit.

I believe in (and am slightly addicted to) Christmas parties!

Running Away

"It sounds like you're trying to run away."
"I am."
"That's not good."
"I know."

Last Day

Though we've had a chance to glimpse at each other's lives, we're all still half strangers.
They stood there and said, "I guess I might never see you guys again."
Alyssa hugged all the guys as I stood there awkwardly trying not to cross any boundaries.
Then, we all wished each other good lives, turned away and walked forward.

That's how I want to remember saying goodbye to college.

Love is in the Air

Excited for the Christmas season yet???

Here, this will help.

Liebster Award

At first, I didn't know why I was doing this until I realized that seeing my name at the bottom of Megan's page brought me so much joy. So I'm doing this for Megan, not because I get sucked into silly friends surveys (although I did have an addicting habit when I was 14 and am truly sorry to those of you who I constantly asked to fill out questionnaires.)

The Liebster Award.

here are the rules:

>> list 5 things about yourself

>> answer 11 questions your nominee made for you (I made my questions your questions btw)

>> choose your own 11 favorite blogs to nominate

1. My full name is Elizabeth Anne Richards Fesler. It's just a title and a signifier, the unoriginality of my name doesn't represent my free soul. That second last name can be blamed on a lovely man named David, who has quite possibly changed my life more than any other. I ADORE the man.

2. I shoot people. In hopes of becoming a philanthropist. Intrigued? Go here.

3. My feet are best bare. This can give you a hint at why skinny dipping is my favorite guilty pleasure. I yearn to feel the earth beneath me, the air within me and the water succumb me.

4. I have faith in mankind. This is something that can be a disadvantage at times but I have an odd tendency to love people the moment I meet them. I can see the savages of war but I am also not blind to hope.

5.I have a mole where Marilyn Monroe had one. Except my mole is real. Boom, take that.

1. What is your favorite animal and what does that say about you?

I have two: Horses and Elephants. I like the mystery, their deep souls, huge hearts yet I am a flight when it comes to flight vs fight so we have that in common. I talk my love for them here and here.

2. What is your first memory?

I was in a bright orange dress that I was very fond of. My dog and I were on the living room floor and I had my mothers bright red lipstick in my hand. After decorating both my face and my dog's face with it, I continued on using it as an art brush to paint our heating vents and walls. I can only imagine the repercussions.

3. who has made the biggest impact on who you are today?

My mother is the one who taught me to love cameras. Ever since I can remember, she documented every little thing we did, it was a form of love from her. One time, she let me use her camera when I was three and I took a picture of my mother and father. I keep that picture framed in my house to remind me where I've been and how I've come to where I am now.

My dad and husband are pretty great too. I just focused on a different aspect of who I am.

4. if you could be any celebrity, who would you be and why?

Blake Lively. She seems more...real.

 5. what is your favorite holiday?

4th of July or April Fools. I love the warmth, the family and the laughing.

6. what is a movie you have cried in?

Of course several movies impact you and all of us cry in them more than we'd like to admit but some of the most transcendental films that sparked my catharsis have been: Seven Pounds, Tuesdays with Morrie, Life is Beautiful, The Help, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (you can ask me about this one later,) Pursuit of Happyness and UP-seriously, if you haven't watched these 6 minutes your life is not complete

7. Who/what has inspired you?

• Michelangelo dedicated his art to bring people closer to God and has impacted people for centuries.
• Joan of Arc did what she felt was right no matter what the consequence was.
• Mother Teresa found love in a suffering world.
• Film theoriticians such as Kracauer, Balaz, Bazin and all those who believed that the depiction of reality has so much potential. 

This list could go on for months. I have a creativity board if you need some more inspiration in your life.

8. where is the best vacation location?

Vacations are not the best. The people are.

My ideal idea of traveling is to places where you meet the people, learn the culture and experience the world from their perspective.

9. what goals do you have for the next year?

Oh boy, you shouldn't have asked this question. I will be going to Africa in January to film a documentary, then I have a choice at several cross roads. Each opportunity seems too good to pass up, so I guess the question is: India, China, Elephants or Babies? 

10. what were you like in high school?

I learned to run. 
I gave the impression that I let a lot of people in but in reality, I was more closed than others realized. Despite that, I also learned to care deeply about my friends and still would do anything for them.

11. what makes you happy?

Simple things. Day to day, the things you'd overlook if you weren't observant. The do-gooders, the people who help you pick up your books when they fell out, the people who open the door when your hands are full, the people who leave places better than they found them.

Your turn

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Jennie B.

Ashley F.
Amanda G.
Jena B.
Rachel J.
Lauren M.
Sarah B.
Bryndi C.
Nate R.
Chantel O.
Jessica C.