After The Storm

"On my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.

I'm scared of what's behind 
and what's before.

And there will come a time, 
with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, 
but dismiss your fears.
With grace in your heart 
and flowers in your hair."        -Mumford and Sons

This is what I long to feel like. This is what I'm striving to accomplish. These words are powerful. I'm falling short but I'm pushing the resentment out of my heart. I want to recover instead of rot. I want undying hope. I want to look towards the heavens confessing my faults. I no longer want fears controlling me.

I believe in kneeling.

Remember Vividly

Remember this? She's a brilliant villain. 

He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him.

Does He really know that though? I don't write a lot of posts about my religious beliefs, it's a very personal and important topic for me. Not really up for discussion. I get small impressions. My style of missionary work is very different than what a typical member might believe is right but when it comes to people, we're all made different for a reason. If we are all supposed to play on our talents and strengths, my strength is on a one on one basis. I'm better at  talking quietly to a friend than being comfortable in a big group of people. The Lord primarily speaks to me through quiet and calm feelings, not big loud trumpets in my ear and that used to bug me. I wanted what everyone else had, the BIG moments. The times you knew without a doubt that the Lord wanted you and only you to do the task at hand. The more I thought about it though (thanks to my Papa,) maybe it's a compliment to me that He doesn't need to yell in my ear for me to listen. As a matter of fact, I usually don't feel much until I have made the decision on my own and then the Lord will confirm whether or not he agrees with my choice. It's very trusting on his part but there are times I know I could be doing more. 

This phrase has weighed on my mind a lot, "He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him"-I feel my Savior's Love. Maybe because I feel what best describes the way I feel about myself is "To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as I, that He should extend his great love unto such as I." I know I don't deserve his love. I'm a very flawed individual. So as I attempt to be mildly less selfish than usual, I'm going to try and really do what I believe God would think is best. So far, it's been a success.

Baby I'm Yours

April Fools

We put baking soda in Dave's water. With most of the responses we got from the prank it was shock, appalled and then spitting the water out.

Our eyes bugged out when we watched Dave chug the entire glass. He looked at us and said, "what?"

I guess he didn't taste a thing.

I Miss Her

I look at this picture and I don't really see me, the person I am right now. I think hey, whatever is happening looks pretty fun. I feel like I lost "her" somewhere along the road. Though I know that a lot of my past was filled with escapism from my problems, false sense of security and inauthentic happiness; there was a validity behind my smiles, a good rush of adrenaline and a skip in my footsteps. I want to look forward to summer, not how it used to be but find a new balance for who I am today.

I believe in wholesome activities.

Joan

Does society look down on the women who choose this route? 

We don't see statements like this often in the media, is she seen as brave or given up? I say, those who can be superwoman by juggling family, work and marriage life are impressive but the whole debate whether stay at home mom's and working moms are inferior/superior seems like one big fight that no one will ever win. 

Spring

We are ready to play outside, you?

Fresh

Dave came home from work with a swag bag and was excited to show me the contents.
He pulled out a new pencil, sniffed it and said, "Ahhhh, a fresh number two."

Content and Dance

The one thing it all boiled down to: Content.

Content is something I never considered before when it came to jobs (silly me) but when it all hung on a million different strings that I couldn't cut I thought of dancing, and why I decided to quit dancing. I usually use the excuse that my sisters were the dancers, not me but I actually was on the road to be just as involved with dancing as any of my sisters and I remember exactly why I quit.

I had been in dance classes since before I could remember and the day it all changed is the day I picked up on the body image issues that dancers inherit and the classic mean girls posse. One day, I overheard a group of mean girls gossiping about the way my body looked in my swimsuit (yes, I should've known they'd make fun of you for wearing a swimsuit instead of a leotard but oh well.) I was done. I told my mother I wasn't going back. She said, maybe in a couple of weeks and I said, no, never.

In highschool, I dabbled in the thought of returning to dance. I tried out for the team on my birthday freshmen year and was accepted. I had to make the decision to become a dancer in place of my favorite class and I had the hardest time deciding. Until the end of year assembly happened and I saw how the girls danced on the team I was about to be on; it was so desperate and surprising explicit. So I decided it wasn't for me.

This relates to my decision to film because when it came down to Sundance, New York and a corporate film job... I had considered every pro/con and still seemed just as torn as before. I was in church desperately trying to decide when the thought of content came into my head. The fact that I can't show anyone half of the stuff I've worked on because it makes me uncomfortable and I was the blood specialist on the show means I may not be heading on the road I originally thought it would take me. I adore the people/crews I've worked with and couldn't believe my eyes when I accepted the corporate position but I knew for the sake of my future family, I needed to consider how I ethically felt about the content.

You See My Arm in This Video

If you asked me last week, I'd be telling you how excited I was to be going back this year to the Directors Lab.

Life Changing Decisions....every three months.

Oh sorry, that was kind of an intense post.
I've been trying to be more honest and where else should I do that?

I had a rough decision to make this past week, it was related to the last post but it seems like when I don't have any work everyone treats me like I have the plague and the second I get one offer, I get 5 offers I shouldn't refuse. Well, after thinking long and hard I made a practical decision for once in my life. It may not be as glamorous, I won't have as many bragging rights but I also will be thinking about more than just myself and that's a big reason why I made it.
I have felt self centered for quite some time and I actually think that for me it's a destructive pattern because I usually don't feel better about myself, I usually feel more depressed than ever.

Have you ever done a digital detox? Did you feel it was helpful or pointless?

Choices

I want to touch a bit on the power of choices.

There are people I love around the world.
Dave and I chose to move back to Utah from New York (despite my wailing and gnashing of teeth.)
It's hard for me to understand why we are here when the only paying jobs I seem to get offered are on the east coast.
I chose to be a bit bitter about it.
I feel like I'm shooting my career in the foot if I were to refuse to work on a show like this (see image above.)  I guess I would love advice. If I were to go back, Dave would be unable to come with for the shoot. If I don't, I'll digress.

I had an epiphany about Utah upon my return. The state haunts me. I avoid places I often see familiar faces on purpose. My fear has slowly gotten worse and moving to another state I thought for sure would be the cure. It wasn't. My revelation is not that I want to have a highschool reunion informercial speech prepared before I go shopping everyday, it's that I have people and situations in my past that I haven't fully been able to cope with. I wrote down experiences I don't share with many people that could potentially be effecting me and I dug up deeply rooted hurt and sadness. Basically, I need to work through these until they are no longer effecting my present day life. I need to be back in charge of my own life. I'm a different person, a bully in middle school should not still make me believe all men are untrustworthy. I guess I don't know what my next step should be.

I choose to admit I need serious help.

Betterment

Isn't "Betterment" a great word?
It should be used more often in modern vocabulary.

Can't wait for warmer weather.

Few Of My Favorite Things from Fesler Films on Vimeo.

Buddy the Bee

Yay! Congrats to my nephew.

"March 3, 2014 - Spelling bee offers B-I-G rewards:
... Oneonta’s own Buddy Noorlander, an eighth-grader, said it felt “good” to win, although he was hoping that his younger sister, Mary, could have made it to the regional bee instead of him.

“We’re competitive,” Noorlander said, “so we both entered. I beat her, but I actually wanted her to win.”

Noorlander, who casually tapped his hands against his blue jeans while breezing through words like “discipline,” “malaria,” “graffiti,” “herbivore” and “wiseacre,” , wasn’t planning on entering, according to his father, Danny Noorlander. Noorlander, a history professor at SUNY Oneonta, said Buddy was recruited a couple days before Oneonta’s school-wide bee because of a lack of participation.

“His sister, Mary, is in sixth grade,” Noorlander said, “and she actually prepared a lot more than Buddy did. I guess being such a big reader has helped him learn to figure out how to spell things.”

Winner Buddy Noorlander, who narrowly outlasted Edmeston Central School’s Alexander Babbie, said he thought the words at the end of the competition were tough. The winning word was “automaton,” meaning a self-operating machine, and Noorlander spelled it with ease.

After pausing to replay the recording of Noorlander’s spelling to make sure there were no mistakes, judges announced that he was the winner. When The Daily Star’s publisher Mitchell Lynch, who hosted the spelling bee, asked him what most excited him about his prize, an all-expenses-paid trip to Washington D.C. to compete in the Scripps National Spelling Bee, Noorlander replied, “The hotel!”

Joseph Yelich, superintendent of the Oneonta City School District, called Buddy’s win a “tremendous accomplishment,” noting the amount of effort and time that goes into preparation. Besides the obvious takeaway of learning how to spell, Yelich said, the experience provides children with the opportunity to grow as a person.

“It stretches a person’s comfort zone,” Yelich said. “This shows a willingness to challenge oneself. They are displaying what they know in a very competitive circumstance. Learning how to handle that level of pressure will help them all throughout their lives.”

Noorlander said his love of reading was his main preparation for the bee. His father said he hopes Buddy’s regional win will “light a fire underneath him” and inspire him to prepare for the National Spelling Bee in Maryland, to be held May 25-31.

“But,” Noorlander said, “I just hope he has a good time.”

A Note about My Mother 1972

I adore this. Though there is a lot that has changed, my mother seems to be pretty consistent. Also, there are aspects of my sisters throughout this entire piece.

A few I'd like to highlight

She likes:

-surprising others

-walking high places where she can look down on the world

-sincerely interested in everyone

-jump in swimming pools with her clothes on

-roller skating in the shopping center early in the morning

-she worries about others...sometimes not leaving enough time for herself

-life to her is beautiful

She dislikes:

-gossip

-criticism

-has a hard time finding enough time to do everything she wants to

-people with no plan in life...non-achievers

Valentine's

My first Valentine's day as a married woman I had a final until 9pm and it was one of those finals that I couldn't remember ANYTHING that I learned. It unfortunately also was a final in the classroom so the teacher witnessed me fidget for 3 hours as I'm sure he was as antsy to get home as I was. Then it escalated into crying, I cried and I cried and he saw me so I cried more....let's just say that it was embarrassing all around.

In my teen years, I used to love valentine's day because I would always make my dad take me out. People would ask me on dates and I would say, "nope, that holiday I force my dad to hang out with me." I was quite fond of that tradition. Now, as a married woman I feel much more pressure, especially because when we were dating I realized this holiday means much more to Dave than even anniversary's. 

Am I a bit nervous for tomorrow? Indeed, I have been searching for weeks for the perfect activity. Do I have one yet? Not quite....and I used to think I was creative. However, I donated my hair to locks of love so hopefully that juju will be on my side.

Confession:
I wish I were a better writer.

Things I learned from working for The Food Network

-if the person in charge of you is a fast paced individual, match their level of intensity
-never ever ever look like you aren't doing something important
-no open walkies
-always have your headset on and ready to reply
-use common sense
-be detail oriented
-if they say "will you run to..." RUN
-no job is beneath a PA, so stop whining
-don't complain about other people
-hopefully "Chopped" will consider coming to Utah (they are fascinated by our food storage)
-eat the food at your own risk
-food in bulk is a great conversation starter at the grocery store
-call the stores to see if they have 170 lbs of meat before trying to go
-prepare to shower a lot and wash your clothes a lot
-always carry a leatherman
-it's better to have extra money at the end of the day than to not have enough
-do not wear low rise pants
-don't wait to be asked to do something, actively try to be helpful
-try to enjoy yourself