Dave and I decided we have great legs. So we decided to name them after the Great Lakes.

I chose "Leg Erie"
Dave chose "Leg Superior"

Moving to New York City

You never know what to expect when you move, until you just take the leap of faith and try it. 

I was determined to move to NYC for a few reasons. I didn't want to break the bank (we have family there,) I wanted a creditable film experience and I wanted it to be far enough from home that I felt that I accurately tried living on my "own" with Dave. The result was pretty interesting since I ended up feeling closer to family more than ever, seeing the importance of believing strongly and reality check in the area of film. 

My relationship with Dave grew so immensely I can hardly imagine how we functioned before New York. Our communication grew as we discussed daily, merging our goals and exploring the direction of our future. The social pressure of always having an exciting thing to do on the weekend eased as we found joy in the simple aspects of life: dates might consist of going to a used book store, jogging in the nearby park or sipping some hot coco with a dog sprawled on our lap (surprising considering the city "never sleeps.") Don't get me wrong, we made a point to sightsee but when I think back on the experience, those usually weren't the moments I cherished the most. Other than Christmastime which is truly magical in the city.

Even more than our marriage, we grew closer to the Williams (probably too close for their comfort) and appreciated their innovative perspectives on life. I learned for the first time in my life that I do actually desire conversation and am willing to sacrifice my fear of using the phone to call my siblings, parents and friends more often. I felt more involved than I thought I would living thousands of miles away and looked forward to our weekend excursions to Oneonta to visit the Noorlanders (for a breath of fresh air in comparison to city streets.)

I found out I really like commuting, I could fully immerse myself into books and made a point in reading the classics that I hadn't given a chance before. Every morning as I stepped out of the bus station I would pause for a minute, taking in the strangers, the bustle and my surroundings. By doing that, I felt that I allowed myself to truly appreciate the effort that went into getting into that spot. 

I realized that film was making me desperate. I recognized that up through the point of moving, I had very self centered motives and had dragged Dave around with me in hopes of a satisfaction that is unattainable. I wanted my future to be different and if putting my film career on the back burner for a while, I knew the importance of acting on that intuition. I remember the day it all changed for me and I knew I wouldn't be staying in NYC, or at least staying at that film company. The head of Development (his job is to think all day about the content of potential TV shows and research how successful they would be) was explaining that the number one goal of a TV show is to bring in revenue. Then, he added that there are a few sure fire subjects to making money: drugs, murder and sex. He wanted to point out that if we didn't want to work with at least one of those topics, we weren't ever going to make a lot of money in this industry. That's when I knew it would be fine if I didn't "make it" in the film industry. 

You might already have a hint at how much I admired my crew members and part of that is they didn't only encourage my knowledge on the technical aspects of film but they challenged my beliefs. Not in a negative way, not in a way that I felt they were trying to fight with me but in a way that made me stand taller. You wouldn't guess it in the beginning but we were all so different and believed a variety of things that it made us respect each other that much more. They didn't understand everything that I had grown up learning and I didn't understand a lot of the practices they did but through the diversity of religion in the city, they judged me by my character/personality instead of the fact I was LDS.

So on the anniversary of moving to New York, it's good to take a look back at the things I'm grateful for as well as the things that have changed in the past year. 

Often I feel inadequate for the next stage in my life.
I don't know what to expect with a baby, I want to be fully prepared.
Right now, I feel a little dumb because I spent the weekend around fumes and products that I should stay away from and I'm extremely worried about the fact I did that. CLR, cleaning products, paint fumes...the whole shabang. So I feel like I've messed up before I've even started.

Personal Preference in Photo Editing

Many of you have heard my theories on "photoshopping." Simply, as a non-fiction documentary filmmaker, my quest artistically is to make my creations as authentic as possible. Lately, mainly out of curiosity, I've explored different photo editing methods and styles to see if some fit me better than my usual (which is very minimal.)

Photography wise,  I like subtle changes. Changes so slight that it may brighten an eye that already has a sparkle. Here's an example of a before and after:

I guess the weird thing people request all the time is if I can change the way they look. I always want to say, well, I want the picture to look like YOU because that's the exact person I care about. It's kind of why I've been avoiding the "wedding world." The expectations are unrealistic, with the majority of clients. I've worked with famous celebrities that are less picky than brides and they pay much more. I rejected 12 weddings and had one cancelation this summer. I mention them because I didn't expect that I'd ever reject a wedding in my life. Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm growing a baby, I have a full-time job, I have at least one doctors appointment a week, we're desperately trying to finish the remodeling of the house, we've still got to move our stuff fully into the house and within the next 6 weeks I'll have a newborn. Free-time is spread pretty thin, we're making it work but if you've asked, you've probably noticed that I'm not taking on new projects...probably for a while. If life ever dies down again then maybe I'll swing back in that direction.

I don't really know why I'm blogging about this other than it's a personal discovery and I can't help but be passionate about this art.  So far, I've been loving the creative freedom I've had on my personal projects lately and should probably focus on all of the other things I've got to do instead. 

Babies

So...my sister had a baby today. And I watched it happen. 

The adrenaline that has run throughout my body today has been unimaginable, resulting in peaks of excitement followed by sudden crashes in emotion. I thought as an adult your feelings stabilized a bit but I don't know if that's true. Here are pictures of Erika and I that we took last week. When both of us still had our babies inside of our bodies...

And introducing....Ryker Price :)

Jude Law

What would you dance for?
I'm not advocating Whiskey btw, it seems irrelevant to the storyline.

Love

Ok, I get it. I'm slow. But you get the pictures, right? I love these people in my life. 

Birthing Class

Birthing Class - The First

I was very excited to be there. Questions I've always wondered were answered. I looked over to Dave with his wide eyed puppy dog face. While walking away from the room he said, "I had NO IDEA." This will be good for us :)

Inviting People into Your Home

When I was younger, sometimes the only thing that would bring me peace to say when someone was moving away was to say, "I'll invite you to my wedding." For some reason, I thought that no matter where they ended up, they would still come to my wedding. Unrealistic yet calming for my soul.

A shift in desires came upon me when I got pregnant. I wanted the people in my child's life to be the worthwhile people, the ones that stick by you or you have so much history together that the inside jokes are just a glance away. I used to hold onto or at least feel guilty when I let emotional/verbal abusive people phase out of my life. I think in a way, I wanted to "fix" them but in the end they usually effected me negatively more than I convinced them to change-I was an enabler and co-dependent on the fact I thought I was the opposite.

We overuse the term "invite." Whether it's inviting someone to come to an event, inviting them to dinner or generally inviting them into our lives; maybe we are extending our hand out to those that don't recognize the investment of trust you are asking back.

My shower had exactly the people in my life that I want to be a part of my future family's life. I chose my "invite" list VERY selectively (Jennie, I thought you were still in NYC or else you would have been invited.) I know it's not realistic to see them on a daily basis but I wouldn't mind it if that were to happen. I wish they all knew and were interlaced into one anothers' life, they are all so noteworthy and worth every second of time. We had quite a bit who had to travel far to get to the shower. Idaho, Montana, even Northern Utah is far away to me. I couldn't have imagined it going better. I feel so much love and support for this baby and it brings me joy that she will have so many healthy people surrounding her. That night I was so overwhelmed with appreciation, I felt the need to pay it forward immediately but that was truly impossible. So I made a system that I could treat each gift with as much respect as possible, it will all be well-loved.

Happy 3 Year Anniversary!

I'm Grateful That I Didn't Accept My Dream Job

I have a lot of things I'm grateful for that are pretty obvious but lately, I have gratitude towards things that I never thought I'd hear myself say.

I'm grateful I've gained weight

          I have always been self-conscious about my body. I find the people around me gorgeous and would go home avoiding anything with a reflection. It didn't seem possible that I would actually enjoy the look of my pregnant body but it may be the fact that my sweet baby girl is inside growing inside or that the pregnancy hormones really change my attitude on life. Either way, I really like this shift in perspectives.

I'm grateful that I didn't accept my dream job 

          I have to repeat this  sentence to myself several times before I actually begin to believe it. Rejecting these jobs shocked me to my core and I dealt with some depression in the area for quite some time but the thing is I knew it was right for me even if I didn't know why yet. Spending 3 months away from my husband while pregnant would have been a nightmare, let's be honest. I wouldn't be making enough money for it to seem worth it and 16 hour days would probably literally kill me. Sundance however, seemed to be dangling it's temptation in front of me and even after visiting, there are parts of me that wished I had considered it more. The person who has the job I would've had is really struggling with it I guess and knowing I could've stepped up to the plate, twinges my heart just a tad. 

          HOWEVER, I would have felt much worse if I accepted the job but couldn't give 100% effort in the end. The days are long, hard and all-consuming. Currently, I have circulation issues and  I pass out a lot. With all of the driving, I could have been in a very dangerous position. I'm exhausted much easier and I feel that my physical inadequacy would tear at my self worth as well as my performance. Even thinking about it overwhelms me. I'm glad they were so understanding as well as so happy to see me when I went up to visit. The cool thing about film is that those who are successful take their commitments seriously and have learned the skill of staying positive in situations anyone would feel justified complaining about.  It creates a very warm and trustworthy environment. I love that. The job I did accept is better than I could've even imagined. I have something to do every day, I have people to see everyday, I have a purpose and I have been able to save up some money for the upcoming craziness of motherhood.

I'm grateful I learned to say "no"

        When you invest so much emotional energy into relationships like I do, saying no seems nearly heartbreaking. Honestly, I have needed to take this time away from freelance projects for both my emotional and physical stability. Often my time hasn't been respected and my clients haven't followed through so being okay with not accepting the prospect in the beginning clears up any confusion follow suite. I've committed to a couple of projects because the people are very dear to my heart. The lighter workload will really allow me some time to prepare for my baby. Being liberated from the constant worry of whether or not I'll get paid or whether or not I can get a project done on time has really made me a happier person. A much needed break may not last long but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. 

I'm grateful God exists. And that he is loving.

         At times, it's hard to trust that there is a higher power with all of the destruction, sorrow and loneliness in our current world. I want to be an anchor in my belief in God. There are times, I haven't let Him in and felt isolated. I don't see doubts as sinful but rather an enabler for empowerment in the area.We are encouraged to search and ponder before we feel confirmations in our hearts and the church wouldn't have been restored if Joseph Smith hadn't had questions. 

         Something that helps me believe is to remember that every plant, animal and thing has a creator on this earth and this subtly hints that the pattern can be applied on an enormous scale. Our Creator is very difficult to fathom but so is the fact that space is so broad, it is unlikely we will ever have the opportunity to explore it in it's entirety. When I see the pain and hurt within our own church, I must remind myself that our God is loving. While I don't understand everything, a loving God brings me comfort. If change happens, let it be but I don't feel entitled to have the church change for me. I change for God because he loved us enough to send us a Savior who understands pain better than any mortal.These thoughts may not satisfy you and that's okay, find your peace.

I'm grateful I'm not a man.

         I really want my daughter to know this about me. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely grateful for the men in my life, they are very level headed and respect me as a member of an highly independent strong female family. I watched a documentary (that of course freaked me out) about how hard it is to raise a girl in this world without her feeling the pressure of being either a poster for a man or do everything that a man does simultaneously with women responsibilities. I'm having a daughter, she was created as a woman and I want her to be proud of that. I want her to know she has just as much potential as anyone else in this world. We aren't super heroes but I would like Penny to know there is a LOT of worth in being a woman just for the fact of being a WOMAN. 

I'm grateful I moved away from NYC

            I had an idealized view of New York before I moved there. People hype it up and in many ways, rightly so. We really enjoyed our stay and the people we met but no matter what I did, I was a misfit. I wish someone had warned me that it smells worse than Europe and that people value work there more than each other. It seems that your worth was determined by how many hours you worked last week or how much you make in a pay check rather than in other aspects. The hardest part about it for me, is I saw a lot of sadness that overtime rotted into bitterness. People who move to New York, do not move there to get the boring job. With a place filled with so much potential, it must also be filled with rejection. I felt like a lot of older people had lost their "sparkle" in their eyes, they didn't get their dream job as a Broadway music star and want to tell you by looking you in the eye with disgust. If you think you're going to make it, they are always there to say "you won't make it" "you are not good enough" or "I earned that." Of course that wasn't the case with everyone, I met a lot of optimistic people there too that had realistic views of their positions. 

           I just needed some time to realize that maybe it's not the place for me right now. I will love every time I visit. I definitely have friends that I will make an effort to see if I am out on the East coast. I really appreciate all of the job offers I have gotten from my connections and all of the faith my amazing crew has in my film career. It just may be a while before I feel like my little family will fit the culture.

I'm grateful my husband's past has made him the man he is today

           The list of what you want in a man that girls make every year from the time they are 12 is slightly misleading. Yes, it's a good guideline to look for the best man possible but perfection is impossible and the traits that are usually written may usually produce a good result but not always. My husband is an exception to many rules. If you look at his "resume" for marriage, you would never guess how impeccably amazing he is. Many of his best qualities were learned through some rough experiences and he decided to stick with God when he could've turned his back forever. I'd rather have a flawed man that I know will stand as a beacon of light during dark times, than a perfect man that as soon as they are faced with their first tough decision you don't know how they will respond because they have never faced it before. Dave is the bravest man I have ever met and others don't give him enough credit.

"I harbored an inadequacy and a sometimes debilitating depression that I was too afraid to tell anyone about for fear I would be perceived as weak, or worse--sinful. 
Just months before my high school graduation, all of these elements, coupled with a sense of impending doom and a fear of both the unknown and the inevitable, came crashing together to create a perfect storm. Years of shame and sorrow and fear led to a suicide attempt, the first aberration on an otherwise perfect record. I came up against the abyss, I stared into it and it stared, chillingly, back into me. Suddenly, death was real, and not a free pass into an eternity of blissing out with God and Jesus, and suddenly my depression wasn't something I could hide any longer."

-A Friend of Mine

My respect has grown, it takes guts to say this out loud to yourself but even more in a public setting. There is help.

I think I just experienced what I've always wished reunions with a close friend would be like.
It went so well, I'm tickled pink about it.
I miss Dave terribly but it's good Sundance is a second home to keep me sane.
There are good people in the world.

Lost Without You

My hubby and I woke up at 4:45 this morning so we could drive to the airport.
It's 9am and I already feel lost.
Who do I talk to?
I check my text messages every 15 minutes hoping to see a message from him but he's on a plane. It's not like I'm going to get one.
I have committed to myself to not be too clingy and it may be a bit harder than I originally assumed.
He will be in a cabin, in the woods, on a lake with no cell phone or internet service.
He could be mauled by a bear and nobody would find him.

I believe in over-analysis.

The Spelling Bee is similar to The Hunger Games

When sitting in the audience, you can't help but notice some of the brutal realities about the National Spelling Bee. What reminds you of putting a bunch of children barely of age against each other until there is only one survivor? To me, it's the Hunger Games. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Suzanne Collins watched the Spelling Bee when looking for inspiration for her wildly successful trilogy. 

Don't take me wrong, the Spelling Bee DEFINITELY is good. It encourages your children to gain as much knowledge as possible. These kids are incredibly smart and show an amazing amount of dedication/effort towards this competition. My worries start when I wonder if it is the child's choice to spend such a severe amount of time to studying for the Bee or in fact the parents. I'm never a huge fan of parents that thrust their children into fame, pageants, sports…etc at such an early age because I rarely think it's the child's choice in those cases. We didn't really meet any VICIOUS children or workers so I'm not here to complain about what an awful thing these people go through. Just a few ironic similarities between this event and a dystopian fiction world where kids compete for the entertainment of adults. 

1.One of the main announcers looks exactly like Effie Trinket. She had that superficial smile and an attitude that not only takes herself too seriously but glamorizes every event going on the week of the bee.

2. All of the competitors are young. The age limit is 14 and  in the past, the youngest competitor was 6. 

3. Quite a bit of your success depends on your "sponsors." The bigger the region you are representing, the better your sponsors will be. 

4. When the child is eliminated their face, rank and name are displayed on a huge screen. They might as well should've shot off cannons. 

4.The competition is held in a fancy place near the "Capitol." We were exactly 15 minutes from downtown Washington DC.

5. Some have been training to win the spelling bee since birth. Their parents won, their siblings won, it's their turn…

I over heard a conversation between two spellers and one said I only studied 3-4 hours a day and the other speller was like, that's not too bad. There was a kid from Jamaica that would travel two hours one way everyday to meet with a tutor for spelling. I'm telling you, the kids are intense.

6. There can only be one winner….oh wait, except for occasionally. Remember how it was so shocking when there are two winners at the end of the first book? Well, the spelling bee had co-champions this year for the first time in over 50 years. 

Despite these similarities to the Hunger Games, the event is very uplifting and inspiring. This nation CELEBRATES smarts! Isn't that incredible? Children that are shy, passionate about academics and extremely motivated are getting congratulated for their specific strengths. I'm glad there are events like this out there and that people care about children that aren't normally as popular as the others. More than half of the children knew more than one language, a number of them are first generation American's and all of them could spell better than me (remember how I have a college degree?) They deserve so much credit. Good for them. 

Motivation

A lack of motivation is something I've never had before. Even when I didn't want to do homework growing up, it gave me more motivation to finish asap so I wouldn't actually have to keep it on my mind.  So the fact that my energy has shifted drastically can be seen as a bad sign indeed, though with good reasons. In a way, my onslaught of unrealistic expectations I hold for myself caught up with me but I have never had this issue for so long before. Though I have plenty to do, the more that seems to come my way, the less I actually start to accomplish. I don't want to make excuses, this is unacceptable in my mind and it is something that worries me a bit. 

On the flip side, for the first time in my life, not having motivation seems to be the oddest blessing in disguise. I'm dedicating my life to the people and experiences that are the most valued to me. I spend the moments that I have free with my family with quality time. I soak in the sun on a lazy evening. I get sleep; probably more sleep than people need. I could blame it on a full-time job, you realize how much you have to prioritize your free time when you are working 40 hours a week and I'm very sorry that the 4 freelance projects I have on the side have not been my priority. Honestly though, that usually wouldn't effect my motivation THAT much. You could blame it on that tiny soul that has been consuming my mind for a bit now but even then, I don't want to "BLAME" anything on them, they bring me too much joy. I guess the worse conclusion I could jump to are the signs I have are common for depression but that would be really funny to me, is that bad? I finally feel like the fog has lifted, that I don't need to try as hard anymore, that my mind is clear and I can laugh unadulterated….to me, that does not sound like depression. I could be avoiding the things I wish I were better at, lately if I do take the plunge and attempt to get back into video/photo stuff I just get so embarrassed. I wish I knew everything about it, I were perfect at it, I wish that I would look at my past pictures/projects and be proud rather than immediately see the flaws. 

Speaking of flawed, as a woman I inherited that nasty habit of being embarrassed of my body. Don't go there, it's not worth it and consider yourself lucky if you didn't have this problem. I of course assumed that with the current changes happening to my body, that I would be too embarrassed to even go outside. Interestingly enough, I love it. I know this love will probably eventually change but I looked at myself on my birthday morning and I thought to myself, how beautiful. 

Weird…

So far, when someone has said "Happy Birthday!" to me this fine morning, I have replied "Happy Birthday!" back. Haha whoops :)

Fragile Feet

Yesterday morning Dave asked if I would trim his neck hair, it's a common thing that I'm totally fine doing. When I stood up to accomplish the task, something happened that has never happened before. I began saying "uh oh" several times and less than 15 seconds later I was on the ground, I had fallen because my feet fell asleep and it was quite embarrassing. The tingling was overwhelming but it was also hilarious. 

Today, I looked down at breakfast and my feet were purple. There is something going on with my feet.

I was going to post a song called fragile but I haven't looked through the lyrics to make sure they are appropriate for all ages. So look it up if you want, tech n9ne.

Workman Family

Great family on the website and Facebook. www.feslerfilms.wordpress.com

Dinosaur Knocking at My Door

Guys, I think about this ALL of the time. I don't know why. Worse things have happened. Don't be afraid of it. It's your friend.