Almost a Month...What's New

What I Miss About Pregnancy:

-My acne was non-existent...it took an hour for me to get a zit after labor

-I felt like a sane human being (yep, I'm one of those odd individuals that feels like pregnancy balanced out my hormones)

-I was warm

-My heartbeat was so much faster. Now, it has successfully returned to the 50s.

-Sleep

-Getting Paid. I get that being a mother is a payment in itself but wouldn't it give you more incentive if every hour you had to nurse, you were paid?

What's New:

-Dave brought the bear head to his office

-Penny's hair thinned but is still on her head.

-My hair is a different color. Some might even say blonde.

-Penny has acid reflux, I'm on a diet for it and we're giving her medicine. We're hoping that something will help.

-Kim made Penny the cutest outfit. We can hardly wait for Halloween.

-Everyday I feel better both physically and emotionally. I still dread when people ask me, "how are you?" because I personally feel inclined to say "great." Honestly, sometimes I'm not doing as great as I could be but we're working on it. The recovery process is definitely a new thing.

-I am paranoid. Between my own anxiety, ebola, entrovirus and "the worst flu season in five years" I get nervous if people even LOOK at my newborn. 

-Penny's head is in the 92nd percentile. Everything else is average. Typical.

-It's starting to feel real.

-You already know that I cry a lot. I hope to apologize to the poor stranger at Panda Express that seemed to be the most recent recipient.

-It's lucky if I get to shower, it's amazing if I remember to eat consistently, it's miraculous if I clean one area a day and it's miraculous if I get out of the house/do something on my never ending to do list. I'm trying to learn to appreciate the small accomplishments.

Crying Over Spilt Milk

Whoever said "Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk" never was a new nursing mother.

As a matter of fact, it's one of the more valid reasons of why I've cried recently. Think about it: I just squeezed every ounce I could from my body, it poured all over the couch at two in the morning and if you don't clean it up right away then you get that nasty spoiled milk smell stuck on your couch permanently.

I love how willing to help and involved my family wants to be. I don't love that I have cried in public places more in the last three weeks than I have in the past three years. I pressure myself to do certain things and if I don't feel like I am going to make it in the right time table, or  within the right diet, or within the right amount of money then there is a physical response as well, which is crying.

Boohoo, the witch is dead.

Birthing Day and Playing Catch Up

The task on my list to write down the birthing story has been a bit daunting. For someone who vividly remembers experiences, the fact that I only remember fragments of the evening intimidates me. But before I forget anything else, I will attempt to write it down.

On Wednesday September 24, 2014

My last supper was at Tucano's....it looked like this (view below.) Once again, I made a home-run at Tucanos with those I went with and was eating 45 minutes after every one else was done. 

I also drank a ridiculous amount of water which in some ways was dumb because I needed to pee every ten minutes even before they pumped me full of saline. Why did I do it? I heard that "pokes" hurt less when there is more water in your body and so I take it to the extreme. I'm weird and was more afraid of getting the IV and epidural than the actual labor.

At work, I felt like everyone was treating me like I was going to die. Although, it was really nice to hear what their last words to me would be because they were very sweet. We ended with my performance review, I was very nervous to hear what others had said about me and was super scared about talking to my manager about it. It was better than I could have imagined. It was a boost of confidence. They rated me much higher than I rated myself and all of their words were very kind.

The hospital asked us to call them at 5pm to know what time we were to be admitted. When we called at 5pm, they said come in at 6:15. We were very surprised and it didn't really seem real at that point. I felt nervous, Dave had to go watch something to get his mind off of it. Not that we weren't prepared, we had heard that in the past they often have you come in much later than the "predicted" time because inductions take the back burner. I couldn't really think about anything at that point, I just prayed and prayed that Penny was ready (I was very worried she would be too small.) All day I had been going through mood swings of anticipation, curiosity, and complete fear. 

The lady that checked us in had a disposition of someone who knows a secret and our room was absolutely gorgeous. I guess that's what you get when you have a heart condition. A room coated in the daintiest shade of purple with a view of not only the car lights zooming by but the sunset. I remember rolling up the shades and soaking in the moment with Dave. It has become an accidental tradition. On our wedding day we shared a similar experience, Dave and I peeked out the temple window on our way to the sealing room. At times, it helps to take a second to breath deeply and enjoy a view before moving onto one of those monumental moments. 

We next met our nurse Sharon. Oh how I miss Sharon. We bonded with her immediately and I felt like I was treated like a queen because of how attentive to detail she was.  After checking my cervix, not much had changed over the last few weeks. I was dilated to 1.75 and was 75% effaced. She numbed my arm before sticking in the IV (thank you thank you) and then ran off to get the medicine we would receive to be induced. 

The medicine is called Cytotec. All I knew is that I'm happy they didn't have to "strip my membranes" because I just pictured a chisel digging out my insides. Cytotec is a small pill, placed as far into the cervix as possible to start the process of labor. She brought in 4 pills and explained that she would place a Cytotec every 3 hours until the morning. She said usually that is when they start the Pitocin so try to get sleep while I can.

I'm a goal-maker. So I had in my mind that I didn't want any pain medication until at least 10:30pm and she placed the pill at 7:45. I felt uncomfortable but not miserable. I did notice my contractions were getting closer and closer together but I thought that was normal. By the time she came to place another pill my contractions were 2 minutes apart. She was shocked because I guess it's pretty uncommon but I was officially in labor without the need of anymore medicine.

I still didn't want the epidural quite yet, even though I had made my goal. She explained that there is a medicine called Fentanyl that helps control pain but it only lasts about an hour. I decided to go that route at about 11:30 so I could catch some sleep. I took a couple of more doses and knew when it would wear off because I felt uncomfortable again.

At about 2:45am, I got up to pee (again) and the nurse came in to check my cervix. Not only had I advanced to a 5 but she accidentally broke my water. Things progressed quickly after that. Intense contractions immediately began and they were only a minute apart so she ran out to find the epidural guy quickly. He was very talented seeing that he only had a minute to have the epidural placed in the very particular spot.

I do like that I got to experience labor pains, they weren't what I expected and weren't as bad as I expected. I was also very grateful for modern medicine to help alleviate some of the pain. After the epidural was in, Sharon was a bit concerned because our baby's heart was dropping with contractions. Often, if the heart drops they will eventually call for a c-section. I didn't care what type of birth we had, as long as our baby was safe. Sharon put me on oxygen which helped the baby's heart but ended up giving me the feeling that I really was disconnecting from the world.

Dave probably should have slept at that point but instead he held my hand as I avidly watched the monitor. Every time her heart would drop, I went into panic mode and Dave would have to calm me down. I don't know how people go through something like birth without someone who has such a calming influence as Dave. I was slightly worried because I felt pain through the epidural during that first hour. A type of pressure I was sure would intensify as the night continued. 

Only an hour later, Sharon came in to check my progress and I had dilated from a 5 to a 10 in that hour. I was ready to push. Penny was ready to come, much more ready than I had originally thought. Not being able to feel your legs but still needing to push as hard as you could was one of the oddest feelings in the world. Everything went well the first hour but by the second hour began, my body felt the exhaustion. I felt like the oxygen was suffocating me and my left arm had gone completely numb with an aching in my left shoulder. It shouldn't have been the epidural because I got a smaller dose than most ladies because of vasovagal. My doctor came in to see how everything was going and I could feel his hand which was a little scary to me. There was just a patch that the epidural wasn't effective but it wasn't too bad, just interesting.

The second hour of pushing was not very effective, I felt like Penny did better when she worked her way down by herself instead of when I was pushing. I was getting so dizzy in between pushes and she was far but still not to the point of crowning. I was trying so hard to have her before 6am because that was shift change for all of those I was working with, Sharon and Dr. Jacob. Although, I'm sure the other nurses and doctors were just as good, I'm the type of person that likes consistency so I kept trying, and kept apologizing and kept feeling so dizzy that I have no idea if I was passing out. 

I also was shaking violently. I know it's normal but it didn't feel normal. The blood pressure cuff continued to go off but wouldn't stop squeezing my arm since I couldn't control my muscles from spasms. Dave was the best part of it all. I became succumbed by my fears but then I could look at Dave and he was the only thing that kept me at bay. His eyes would get big with excitement and he would mouth along with Sharon when she would count to ten. At one point, they just asked him to count since he was so enthusiastic about it. When we first saw her head it was full of thick hair and I knew Dave had seen her by his expression. He is packed to the rim of sincere happiness and I was happy to be a part of providing that.

Near the end of the second hour, Dr. Jacob asked if I wanted to have forceps so that we could get her out. I tried a few more times to push on my own and then felt quite disappointed in myself for deciding to go with the forceps but I really didn't want them to leave me for a complete new staff. Sharon reassured me that she would stay, she wanted to meet the baby and that helped me a lot. It's very good I decided on the forceps because even with me pushing and a grown man pulling, it still took quite a bit of time to get Penny out. 

It was a bit unfortunate that even though my contractions had been on top of each other for quite some time, they had decided to slow down at that point. After the first 4 pushes, the contraction slowed to 3 minutes a part. After the second 4 pushes, the contracted waited 6 minutes before resuming. Between the third 4 pushes and the fourth 4 pushes, I felt like those were the longest 8 minutes of my life. I could just see Dr. Jacob's face focused on the monitor, giant salad tongs sticking out of my body and Dave's face reassuring me that it was going to be okay. I kept asking if she was okay and then apologizing to everyone in the room, it felt too quiet. Quiet meant trouble to me. 

Side note: I'm absolutely in love with this picture. I know, it's gross to others but to me, it's magical and intimate.This is my baby and she still makes that face when she's stretching.

Luckily the fourth was the trick. Dave described her coming out as he saw her head and then her head just kept coming. When we finally saw her body both Dave and I gasped in surprise, she was HUGE. How was I measuring small? Our nurse and doctor predicted she would maybe be six pounds but no, this baby didn't look like it would've fit inside of me. Dave pranced around. I could tell he was conflicted on whether to stick near me or go be with the new baby. The nurse helped him decide by reminding him he was on picture duty and would slip in phrases like, "hey, you might want to get this."

She had arrived: September 25, 2014 6:10am 7 lbs 14 oz and 20 inches long. I immediately knew I was losing a lot of blood. The shakes had gotten worse. The oxygen mask was finally off of my face but I still felt like I couldn't breathe. My eyes were rolling back into my head and I felt like I was seizuring. They put Penny in my arms, this is the moment everyone talks about. This is when you first get to realize you have a baby. Penny immediately wanted to tell me everything, she was just talking away with stories that I she didn't know I couldn't understand. I loved that. Even more, it was apparent she was already a daddy's girl. Dave came over and said, "hey Penny!" and she stopped her chatting to look for his face. Ever since, he seemed to stick by her side and be the same calming influence on her that he's always been for me. 

My arms were so numb that I didn't feel like I had a good grip on her. I was panicked that I couldn't "feel" her but even more, I didn't want to drop her. I tried to tell those around me but my mouth wasn't working right. Everything about me was swollen and bloated and I couldn't keep my head up. I knew I loved her right away despite the fact that my sense of touch seemed broken.

Unfortunately, my parents came in shortly after and saw me in the seizuring state. My dad came over right away to put Penny's name in our family history. While he was walking towards the bed and not looking where he was going, I knew he was headed to sit right on my leg and I couldn't move it. I tried to get his attention and he simply smiled, sat on my leg anyway (without seeming to notice) and said, "I know doll, I know." I remember thinking, no, you don't know, you would have noticed if I sat on your leg. I remember my mom telling me how proud she was and crying into my shoulder. It was very tender moment, I don't think I had the energy to respond. The new nurse wanted to hurry me downstairs but my legs didn't work, she kept asking me to get up and sit in the wheelchair but I couldn't keep my eyes open or move my legs to the side of the bed. So, they wheeled me down the hallway on another bed. 

It's slightly unfair that they thrust so much information at you at the hospital. I couldn't register anything and I was signing really important documents left and right. People would be right in my face and I can remember them saying, "well, you need to remember..." but I don't remember what I need to remember. Especially within the first few hours after, I was completely zoned out between the drugs, not getting sleep and the tiny flickers of what was going on. 

I had really wanted to see Penny get her first bath but I apparently missed all of that. Luckily, Dave had gotten used to taking more pictures so we've got some cute ones of those moment. He also didn't leave her side since that first conflicted moment. I do remember waking up in the middle of the afternoon to see Dave asleep on the FLOOR, that's when I sent him home to sleep. I knew he needed it when he didn't respond to anyone for 5 hours, he really zonked out.

I didn't think I would be hungry in the hospital but apparently I could eat everything in the world. With every meal, I had soup and jello. It was a given in my mind. I hated using the bathroom. It was the one thing I dreaded every day. With a million visitors, I do remember a doctor from Valley OBGYN coming in and telling me that our baby had the rarest blood type. There was a moment on Friday evening that I hit a wall with visitors, I was done. I needed some space. I hadn't felt that before. I love people and being around them but they were too much to handle at that point. I was feeling bad because Penny needed to eat when visitors came to hold her and it threw us all off our schedules.

Coming home at 6:10am Saturday morning was a great thing because there were less people on the road.  Nursing has been one of the biggest learning curves. I now know, if I have feverish symptoms I'm overdue for another feeding but learning signs like that from your body is not one of the things they told me about in the hospital (I think?) Anyways, Penny had bad jaundice right away. On Saturday morning, it was 12.6 on Sunday morning it was 18.1. Anything 20 or above is considered "critical condition" so they ordered us the lights to have at home. The delivery was supposed to get to us by 1pm on Sunday and they didn't arrive until 6:30pm. 

I was worried about her for a bit. But each day her jaundice went a bit more down than the last. Unfortunately, we had to go every morning around 7am-8am to go get a vial of blood drawn from her poor feet. All together, she had to get the blood drawn eight times, so you can imagine how sensitive her feet were. The day she came off of the lights because her jaundice was finally lower than 11 was celebrated by everyone. She couldn't sleep in the lights very well and it hurt everyone's eyes and 4 days without human comfort was far too long for a newborn baby. I immediately dressed her in some of my favorite outfits and did a photo-shoot but that's because I'm like that. I wanted to show off my darling girl. She will probably get used to the photography. 

Now, we are finally getting closer to a routine. My milk is finally regulating and our schedule is beginning to become more consistent. Dave is back at work :( and I'm learning to be a stay at home mama. It helps that I happen to have the cutest fan on my side.

I believe in Penny's from heaven.

Tonight, We are Having a Baby

This weekend I got the fine opportunity to spend my weekend with the best group of gals around: my sisters and my mother. We were celebrating my mom's birthday but it really felt like it was all for me because it was everything I learned to love to do. We relaxed to a nice fancy dinner, I fell asleep early on a fantastic bed, woke up to a picturesque view of my sister snuggling her newborn, had a great breakfast and felt weightless as we floated around the pool for a while. When I think back on it, I just remember constant laughter. When we returned to Utah Valley and everyone was ready to disperse, I wasn't ready. I still long to see my family at all times but I've been trying not to dwell on it. 

Knowing when I'm having a baby made that feeling for my family more intense. On Monday evening, I sensed something I have never had an inkling before; I had a true fear of dying. The thing is, the complete desperation was not necessarily that I'm afraid of dying but the anxiety sprung due to the fact not only I wouldn't be able to experience my life with my husband & baby but that I would never see my family again. How do you feel prepared for something like that?

People at work ask me all the time, "Are you nervous?" and I want to respond, "duh. When was the last time you pushed a human out of your body?" but I usually respond with, "Sometimes, I just don't know what to expect." Then, they usually respond with a horror story. Thanks guys. On the upside, I got my performance reviews back from work. What a boost of confidence! They actually like me! They took me to lunch, they paid, they got me presents, they got me clothes and they have all been bidding me farewell with the kindest words/visits. 

I don't know how to feel today. I'm quite optimistic all things considering but mornings are always better than later in the day. I couldn't sleep past 5am but that way, I could watch the sunrise and attempt to look my best for the first time Penny will see me. I love that at 5:40am, Dave rolled over and said, "you would be awake" and that when I texted my mother that I miss her she took no hesitation in driving straight to my house. I'd rather stay this way, either I'm in denial about later this evening or I have too much spark for curiosity. Isn't it interesting that our bodies can go through immense amount of pain but not die? I find it very miraculous. Anyways, God be with you until we meet again my friends.

I believe in miracles.

Update on the Wax

I figured that I don't have many male followers, it's hard for me to picture my brother in laws anxiously waiting to hear about my baby so I thought I could share just a slight bit about brazilian waxing while pregnant.

I don't recommend it but I didn't hate it.

3 Reasons I liked it:
-I feel cleaner-both looks and smells! Hopefully this gesture will also show some appreciation for the 30 people that have to be in the delivery room? Who am I kidding, they don't care but I'd like to think so.
-I found better ways to deal with physical pain and anxious anticipation. Surprisingly, it calmed some of my fears about labor. I'm not saying that waxing is easier than labor but I am saying that I like feeling better prepared.
-I like to prove to myself that I can do hard things. There were quite a few times I was ready to call it quits but I didn't, I got my moneys worth and came out feeling like I could conquer the world.

3 Reasons I will never wax again while pregnant:
-As far as looks, I did not fit into the "salon" scene at all. I have never felt more like a cow. It didn't help that it took my appointment 45 minutes longer than the average waxing because we had a larger area to cover.
-I was swollen for a few days after. This included shaking for hours after the procedure and contributed to waddling even more than before. Blood flows more. So the most painful part was not the first tug, it was the 30 seconds after.
-Turns out skin rips. Worse, you don't get to choose where it rips.

42 ways to make your kids feel absolutely loved

Which one of these are your favorite? This is from a KSL article btw.

1. Dance.

2. Tell stories from your life. Childhood adventures and youth antics. What you thought the first time you saw your spouse. What you felt on your wedding day and the day your child learned to ride a bike.

3. Kiss them goodnight.

4. Let them climb into bed with you. (Sometimes.)

5. Print pictures of grandparents and great-grandparents, and tell stories from their lives to help build their sense of family identity. We pull our printsout every Christmas.

6. Pick them up from school.

7. Teach them to do something. Read, tie their shoes, shoot a bow and arrow. (My husband has never looked more attractive than when he taught our boys to rainbow loom.)

8. Refer to your family as a team. (Team Braverman, anyone?)

9. Create a family password or handshake. When I was growing up, our family password was our last name spelled backwards. We thought it was the coolest thing ever.

10. Frame and hang photos of them.

11. Give them bubble baths.

12. Watch photo slideshows and family videos clips.

13. Tell them you love them. A lot.

14. Have them lie flat on their bellies and give them back rubs. (Kids love chopsticks.)

15. Maximize time at the dinner table with great dinner conversations.

16. Slip notes into their lunch boxes. Here’s a great resource for lunch box jokes.

17. Read to them, especially favorites from your childhood.

18. Let them get messy.

19. Create a family motto or purpose statement. For examples, check out ours and another great family’s.

20. Make a meal or a treat from your childhood and tell them all about it.

21. Spend time in nature together. Camping, hiking, biking, boating, bird watching …

22. Put down your phone.

23. Over the years, create traditions for each child’s birthdays. This family floats a cake in their pool on their daughter’s birthday. We take our oldest to Panera because that’s where we went the night we learned we were expecting him.

24. Create with them. Bake, craft, construct, experiment.

25. Eat something you grew from the ground.

26. Teach them how amazing their bodies are.

27. Have stay-up-late nights, where one kid gets to stay up an extra 15 minutes (or more, depending on their age) and do a one-on-one activity of their choosing with Mom and Dad.

28. Work together to create a family cheer, or borrowthis one, like we are. It’s really fun!

29. Set goals together.

30. Have a weekly family night. We don’t manage it every week, but we when we do, we try to answer the three questions Bruce Feiler recommends: What did we do well last week? What didn’t go so well? What can we do better this week?

31. Let them lose track of time. (And learn from it, as you try to carve out more room for timelessness and play in your life.)

32. Explore the stars together.

33. Watch them when they’re sleeping and then tell them about it the next day.

34. Say you’re sorry.

35. Have movie and game nights.

36. Get interested in their interests. (Even if that means learning the ins and outs of Minecraft.)

37. Do a fun run together.

38. Love your spouse.

39. Share your faith with them.

40. Listen with empathy when they’re hurting.

41. Watch out for their natural talents.

42. Say great things about them to your spouse when they don’t think you know they’re listening.

Agatha

I wouldn't mind having a baby today.
For the mere fact that it's Agatha Christie's birthday.

In the meantime... watch this

Day of Caring 2014

My work did Day of Caring and I LOVED IT!

Mainly because it gave me an excuse to hang out with kids all morning. We read a book together as a class (I would like to fire whoever chose the book) and my second grade class got really into it despite the material. Then, we all made our own books. I messed up on the example book but my new friends didn't seem to mind that much.

-We went to MY elementary school and taught in the exact same classroom as MY second grade class.
-A girl drew a picture of me in purple and included a very large belly for accuracy.
-One boy came up and put his hand on my stomach, he looked at me with big eyes and said, "is there a baby in there?" Penny kicked him RIGHT THEN, which delighted the kids at the table.
-I did get compliments from a couple students who said I was pretty. Points for that.
-The teacher asked me if I had considered being a teacher because she was impressed we figured out a way to include a spanish-speaking only student, even though we don't know spanish. He seemed to be very into the lesson but I guess that's not the usual case.

Pretty much the best day at work ever.

BTW, the teacher has them all work on Imagine Learning because she thinks it helps any child that is learning to read and write. The principal told us that 64% of the students that go to Franklin Elementary know at least two languages, many of those are ESL students so Imagine Learning has been a HUGE benefit to the school.

Two Milestones Today

1. Today is Dave's Birthday! Yay! I have been ordered not to make it too big of a deal nor "worry" about ANYTHING today. We'll see if I pass.
2. We have all survived officially to 37 weeks of pregnancy, which is technically full-term! Go team (and yes, it has been a team effort.)

David Jonathan Fesler, the love of my life, is 27 years old. This past year has been the best of our lives! I may say that every year but it's true, being married to him just keeps getting better. What's new: 
-He tried out the mustache for a while
-Jobwise he went from freelancing in New York, then to Imagine Learning and now he's a big hot shot at Infogenix
-We've moved 3 times but it feels like 4 since some were in shifts
-He put a baby in me
-He helped remodel a house
-His choice of food has branched out (it sounds like I'm talking about a toddler in this one but it actually is very impressive)
-He snuggles me while he sleeps now
-We were dog sitters and now want one even more than ever before!
-He's more addicted to the gym than I ever was
And attempting to keep my promise of not making this day a huge deal, I'll stop there...for now.

37 Weeks Pregnant, what's new:
-For the most part I have considered myself a very lucky pregnant woman but even as I say that, I wonder if when I'm sitting here thinking how sane I feel, I'm pretty sure Dave has a more realistic idea of how it has progressed. He's the one who pushes my pregnant body out of the bed so I can use the restroom in the middle of the night, he is always willing to massage out restless legs and as far as mood swings Dave has seen the worst of it. If you want the nice version, ask me how I'm doing. If you want the real version, maybe Dave will confide in you.
-Dave doesn't complain about anything pregnancy wise and there is so much that could get on his nerves. I can't express enough appreciation that he doesn't make me feel bad because yes, sometimes I feel like a rotting beached whale.
-Penny seems to show up as "average" in everything. Hopefully this means she's a healthy baby and will continue to develop her great little bod.
-Penny is usually quite timid, if she is kicking me in an uncomfortable spot I can rub the area and she finds a better spot to dance on. This week however, she must have had a growth spurt because she seems very cramped inside and has decided she wants to punch her way through my left side. It must be frustrating to be stuck in such a small space.
-Penny gets the hiccups 2-3 times a day.
-Most of you already know I've had some pretty crazy cravings, I get asked about it a lot but they have slightly intensified on both the edible and non-edible side. Non-edible are mainly cleaning products including but not limited to: laundry detergent, nail polish remover, bleach, my lysol wipes at work always make my day better, dave's body wash...etc I've been taking iron pills to try and combat these cravings.
-I'm getting a brazilian wax. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, believe me, even the salon asked me if I really wanted to have it done. We'll see if I can tough out the whole thing. I can't get the numbing gel and it might induce labor but for some reason it is something I'm really looking forward to.
-I still get dizzy spells but I'm pretty used to and now have found some ways to manage them a bit better. My cardiologist says we're welcome to call him during delivery if anything seems out of place and his office happens to be just across the street. He also said that out of all of the heart conditions I could have, vasovagal is usually the safest for babies. Other than that, I get insomnia maybe once or twice a week and just get tired some nights more than others. The HR department at work thinks my shortness of breath is funny, they say they can tell when I'm pretty fed up with the day depending on how deep I sigh.

Busy Lizi

I once was nicknamed "the energizer bunny," at the time it was a compliment.

Now, however, I feel being unable to slow down is not benefiting my life. I'm working on it. Liked this talk a lot.

"Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives.

There is a beauty and clarity that comes from simplicity that we sometimes do not appreciate in our thirst for intricate solutions.

May I suggest that you reduce the rush and take a little extra time to get to know yourself better. Walk in nature, watch a sunrise, enjoy God’s creations, ponder the truths of the restored gospel, and find out what they mean for you personally. "
-Of Things That Matter Most 
By: Uchtdorf

Dave and I decided we have great legs. So we decided to name them after the Great Lakes.

I chose "Leg Erie"
Dave chose "Leg Superior"

Moving to New York City

You never know what to expect when you move, until you just take the leap of faith and try it. 

I was determined to move to NYC for a few reasons. I didn't want to break the bank (we have family there,) I wanted a creditable film experience and I wanted it to be far enough from home that I felt that I accurately tried living on my "own" with Dave. The result was pretty interesting since I ended up feeling closer to family more than ever, seeing the importance of believing strongly and reality check in the area of film. 

My relationship with Dave grew so immensely I can hardly imagine how we functioned before New York. Our communication grew as we discussed daily, merging our goals and exploring the direction of our future. The social pressure of always having an exciting thing to do on the weekend eased as we found joy in the simple aspects of life: dates might consist of going to a used book store, jogging in the nearby park or sipping some hot coco with a dog sprawled on our lap (surprising considering the city "never sleeps.") Don't get me wrong, we made a point to sightsee but when I think back on the experience, those usually weren't the moments I cherished the most. Other than Christmastime which is truly magical in the city.

Even more than our marriage, we grew closer to the Williams (probably too close for their comfort) and appreciated their innovative perspectives on life. I learned for the first time in my life that I do actually desire conversation and am willing to sacrifice my fear of using the phone to call my siblings, parents and friends more often. I felt more involved than I thought I would living thousands of miles away and looked forward to our weekend excursions to Oneonta to visit the Noorlanders (for a breath of fresh air in comparison to city streets.)

I found out I really like commuting, I could fully immerse myself into books and made a point in reading the classics that I hadn't given a chance before. Every morning as I stepped out of the bus station I would pause for a minute, taking in the strangers, the bustle and my surroundings. By doing that, I felt that I allowed myself to truly appreciate the effort that went into getting into that spot. 

I realized that film was making me desperate. I recognized that up through the point of moving, I had very self centered motives and had dragged Dave around with me in hopes of a satisfaction that is unattainable. I wanted my future to be different and if putting my film career on the back burner for a while, I knew the importance of acting on that intuition. I remember the day it all changed for me and I knew I wouldn't be staying in NYC, or at least staying at that film company. The head of Development (his job is to think all day about the content of potential TV shows and research how successful they would be) was explaining that the number one goal of a TV show is to bring in revenue. Then, he added that there are a few sure fire subjects to making money: drugs, murder and sex. He wanted to point out that if we didn't want to work with at least one of those topics, we weren't ever going to make a lot of money in this industry. That's when I knew it would be fine if I didn't "make it" in the film industry. 

You might already have a hint at how much I admired my crew members and part of that is they didn't only encourage my knowledge on the technical aspects of film but they challenged my beliefs. Not in a negative way, not in a way that I felt they were trying to fight with me but in a way that made me stand taller. You wouldn't guess it in the beginning but we were all so different and believed a variety of things that it made us respect each other that much more. They didn't understand everything that I had grown up learning and I didn't understand a lot of the practices they did but through the diversity of religion in the city, they judged me by my character/personality instead of the fact I was LDS.

So on the anniversary of moving to New York, it's good to take a look back at the things I'm grateful for as well as the things that have changed in the past year. 

Often I feel inadequate for the next stage in my life.
I don't know what to expect with a baby, I want to be fully prepared.
Right now, I feel a little dumb because I spent the weekend around fumes and products that I should stay away from and I'm extremely worried about the fact I did that. CLR, cleaning products, paint fumes...the whole shabang. So I feel like I've messed up before I've even started.

Personal Preference in Photo Editing

Many of you have heard my theories on "photoshopping." Simply, as a non-fiction documentary filmmaker, my quest artistically is to make my creations as authentic as possible. Lately, mainly out of curiosity, I've explored different photo editing methods and styles to see if some fit me better than my usual (which is very minimal.)

Photography wise,  I like subtle changes. Changes so slight that it may brighten an eye that already has a sparkle. Here's an example of a before and after:

I guess the weird thing people request all the time is if I can change the way they look. I always want to say, well, I want the picture to look like YOU because that's the exact person I care about. It's kind of why I've been avoiding the "wedding world." The expectations are unrealistic, with the majority of clients. I've worked with famous celebrities that are less picky than brides and they pay much more. I rejected 12 weddings and had one cancelation this summer. I mention them because I didn't expect that I'd ever reject a wedding in my life. Maybe it's due to the fact that I'm growing a baby, I have a full-time job, I have at least one doctors appointment a week, we're desperately trying to finish the remodeling of the house, we've still got to move our stuff fully into the house and within the next 6 weeks I'll have a newborn. Free-time is spread pretty thin, we're making it work but if you've asked, you've probably noticed that I'm not taking on new projects...probably for a while. If life ever dies down again then maybe I'll swing back in that direction.

I don't really know why I'm blogging about this other than it's a personal discovery and I can't help but be passionate about this art.  So far, I've been loving the creative freedom I've had on my personal projects lately and should probably focus on all of the other things I've got to do instead. 

Babies

So...my sister had a baby today. And I watched it happen. 

The adrenaline that has run throughout my body today has been unimaginable, resulting in peaks of excitement followed by sudden crashes in emotion. I thought as an adult your feelings stabilized a bit but I don't know if that's true. Here are pictures of Erika and I that we took last week. When both of us still had our babies inside of our bodies...

And introducing....Ryker Price :)

Jude Law

What would you dance for?
I'm not advocating Whiskey btw, it seems irrelevant to the storyline.

Love

Ok, I get it. I'm slow. But you get the pictures, right? I love these people in my life. 

Birthing Class

Birthing Class - The First

I was very excited to be there. Questions I've always wondered were answered. I looked over to Dave with his wide eyed puppy dog face. While walking away from the room he said, "I had NO IDEA." This will be good for us :)

Inviting People into Your Home

When I was younger, sometimes the only thing that would bring me peace to say when someone was moving away was to say, "I'll invite you to my wedding." For some reason, I thought that no matter where they ended up, they would still come to my wedding. Unrealistic yet calming for my soul.

A shift in desires came upon me when I got pregnant. I wanted the people in my child's life to be the worthwhile people, the ones that stick by you or you have so much history together that the inside jokes are just a glance away. I used to hold onto or at least feel guilty when I let emotional/verbal abusive people phase out of my life. I think in a way, I wanted to "fix" them but in the end they usually effected me negatively more than I convinced them to change-I was an enabler and co-dependent on the fact I thought I was the opposite.

We overuse the term "invite." Whether it's inviting someone to come to an event, inviting them to dinner or generally inviting them into our lives; maybe we are extending our hand out to those that don't recognize the investment of trust you are asking back.

My shower had exactly the people in my life that I want to be a part of my future family's life. I chose my "invite" list VERY selectively (Jennie, I thought you were still in NYC or else you would have been invited.) I know it's not realistic to see them on a daily basis but I wouldn't mind it if that were to happen. I wish they all knew and were interlaced into one anothers' life, they are all so noteworthy and worth every second of time. We had quite a bit who had to travel far to get to the shower. Idaho, Montana, even Northern Utah is far away to me. I couldn't have imagined it going better. I feel so much love and support for this baby and it brings me joy that she will have so many healthy people surrounding her. That night I was so overwhelmed with appreciation, I felt the need to pay it forward immediately but that was truly impossible. So I made a system that I could treat each gift with as much respect as possible, it will all be well-loved.

Happy 3 Year Anniversary!