When we hear a tough message, we often resort to one of two unhealthy behaviors: Violence or Silence.
Violent: Aggressive, defensive, yelling, threatening, lash out, say things you don't mean in the heat of the moment, focused on being right, focused on being heard…etc
Silent: Withdraw from tough conversations, avoid the main issue, say you're okay with something when you're not, don't fully express your thoughts, give silent treatment, walk out of the room, wait later to voice opinion through electronic forms…etc
For example, let's say you are presenting an idea that means a lot to you in front of a group of people and the group is not thrilled with the idea. A violent person in this situation might take full control over the conversation defending why this is not only the BEST idea that's been presented but the ONLY idea they're willing to work on. They become bossy, shutting down the ideas/revisions of others, stuck on why they are right and the others are wrong. A silent person as the presenter might try and defend in the beginning, start withdrawing or avoiding comments but feel like it's a lost cause. Extreme silent people may even stop saying anything or get so frustrated they leave the conversation abruptly. They are also stuck on why they are right and the others are wrong. Neither personality leaves the meeting reassured nor happy.
How to discover which behavior you tend to be:
(note that you can often change with different people, places or phases of life)
Think to a conversation that didn't go well in your recent past. Now, think realistically of what emotions triggered you, then you physical response to the situation and then how these two things made you behave.
Violence Physical Triggers: Pointing fingers, hands on hips, raising voice, balling up fists, tense muscles, accelerated heartbeat…etc
Silence Physical Triggers: Folding arms, avoiding eye contact, tense muscles, knot in stomach, urge to cry, look for an escape route (door,) removing yourself from the room…etc
So, why should you care if you are a violence or a silence?
Honestly, there are negative repercussions to not resolving a problem fully. When a violent person lashes out, they may think that others are agreeing with them when in reality, they probably just lost a lot of respect for them. You may have just burned a bridge you didn't know about and it will take significant time to repair that relationship. When a silent person can't be honest they often turn to gossiping and venting to others instead of dealing with the person that can help solve the issue. In some cases, they can begin to have displacement issues in which they take the problems out on someone else. Either way, you let your emotions get in the way of coming to an agreeable resolution and are in a downward spiral of self-destruction. Believe it.
It's also very helpful to recognize when your emotions are taking control over yourself or recognizing these signs in another person so you can have healthier conversations. In these experience, you may find yourself being able to calm your emotions before you resort to your violent or silent nature.
Personally, finding out I'm an EXTREME silent has been such an eye opener to me. Making sense of the behaviors I don't like in myself, I can usually pinpoint a conversation that I avoided, didn't feel heard or even physically ran out of the room to get out of. It has hurt my relationships with others, it has significantly lowered my self esteem and at times I grovel to complaining to others about the situation instead of trying to fix it.
Why I'm an extreme silence:
-I say "It's fine" when I'm not or "I forgive you" when I haven't
-I HATE/AVOID answering the phone even if I'm pretty sure the person on the other line will only say nice and flowery things
-I usually make a bullet point list of exactly what I am going to say on a phone call if I absolutely have to talk to someone
-I used to text serious conversations instead of being willing to talk face-to-face, I cry when I feel uncomfortable
-I would hold my breath until I got what I wanted as a child
-I used to feel like I didn't belong in my family. They are all Violence in these situations, they are blunt, direct and it used to be very overwhelming to me. Being the only daughter that is truly silent (maybe Katie but she grew out of it) they didn't understand the way I worked and vice versa.
-I hold grudges easily
-I avoid grocery stores where I could possibly encounter someone I don't feel prepared to talk to,
-there is always a point I become too overwhelmed to continue and physically RUN away from the situation. Ask my husband Dave, he can tell you a number of times that he has had to follow me out the door during a heated discussion, not necessarily to continue the conversation but to make sure I was safe roaming around Provo at 3am.
I have had these habits for so long that I haven't fully resolved poorly handled situations emotionally. Thus resulting in projected the effects of negative experiences onto my expectations of others. So, if one person in my life has a pattern of falling short in being reliable, I expect anyone who cancels plans doesn't truly care about me and try to write them off forever. I also care deeply about my relationships with other people and have had a history of forgiving people too quickly, pretty much giving them permission to continue their poor behavior. By not talking to them about how much it actually hurt me, it prompted them to do it again. I knew Dave was good at conversations before I married him, the balance between violence and silence is where healthy dialogue falls. It also is something the Fesler's practice naturally with one another as well as letting go of the situations that you have no more control over instead of dwelling on them.
