Remember a number of years ago on KBYU there was a credits list with running horses? I still think of that often. Since I was a little girl I always have imagined me riding bareback on one of the horses, racing into the horizon.

I wish I could say with words what I say with images. But maybe it’s better this way. 

Maybe the whole point is for self interpretation but I don’t want my words to just lump into a group of uninspiring bloggers. I want to evoke emotion. 

Whitopia

http://www.ted.com/talks/rich_benjamin_my_road_trip_through_the_whitest_towns_in_america?language=en

I found this interesting. Does it surprise you that a city in Utah made the “Whitopia” list? At a younger age, I would be defensive about people that criticize the lack of diversity in this state but as I’ve grown, I try to take feedback as constructively as possible. I agree that I have heard many extreme opinions about immigration and have been shocked at the racism I have witnessed here. So I would like to bring that up as an opportunity of improvement because it is not bad to be referred to as “pleasant” but that means we must strive to be inviting as well.

On another note, I find the information collected potentially lacking since it would be harder to find a rebuttal. I would love to live and immerse myself into the three most diverse cities in the nation. I would love to live in the conditions they live in and entertain myself with similar activities. I would love to observe how they go about their daily life but I am afraid of two potential issues with doing so: 1. I would be afraid of offending another culture, whether I try to incorporate jargin or imitating their cultural traditions 2. As a white woman, I don’t always feel safe in one of the safest cities in the world. Would you be concerned about those against my race or those that see me inferior because of my gender? If the social experiment cannot be performed by someone defined as opposite as this man, we are all missing crucial information on how we can grow as a country.

I Am Free

July is about freedom, right? So how did you free yourself this July?

It’s been a monumental month for my family and I. A new years goal I have constantly been trying to attain is….don’t let the things you are afraid of, hold you back any longer. That covers a lot of areas, would it for you? What are you afraid of saying? What are you afraid of looking like? Who are you too embarrassed to see because of something you did wrong? Are you accomplishing your what if’s? I tend to run from problems and try to hide under a rock but I’m not fooling anybody. 

I have spent too long hating myself.

I am free.

I am free to love the man of my dreams. He loves, respects and treats me very well.

I am no longer afraid to say I need anxiety medication.

I am free to feel peace.

I am free to feel better about myself

I am free to eat food that provides energy and long lasting nutrition

I am no longer ashamed to ask for money for my profession. 

I am no longer afraid to ask questions

I am no longer embarrassed of my work, each project has taught me millions.

I am free to research, zone out and learn as much as I can to become better.

I am no longer afraid to express my deep love for animals.

I am not afraid to disagree with someone, as long as I do so respectfully, with candor and honesty.

I am going to be free of destructive friends and not feel guilty about it.

I am not afraid to cry.

I am not afraid to dance.

I am free to say no. 

I am free to smile. 

I am free to make friends everywhere I go. (A few of those consist of a make up artist from Macy’s, the woman I sat next to on the plane, anyone I choose to sit next to at social events…etc)

I am no longer afraid to stand up for those I care about. They are worth it.

Yesterday, on our walk, I felt the full benefits of my freedoms. We are living our dreams. I watched my husband run full speed, barefoot, in a meadow, with a giant dog by his side. I know how happy that makes him. I watched my baby discover many new objects with great curiosity. I woke up early this morning, ran in the rain and finished a package of photos for a client. I have lost 20 lbs and feel that since I can get over an addiction to sugar, I can do anything.

I think of where I was on the 2nd of July: Anxious, Tired, Nervous about July, Depressed, Unmotivated, Spiritually hesitant, ashamed of myself, stuck, feeling worthless, and avoiding everyone. My symptoms became life-threatening. I couldn’t even fathom attempting to survive last week of the month. Last week happened, things didn’t go perfectly but I did what I could with what I had and was able to let go of the things I couldn’t control. There are triumphs worth celebrating. July is that for me and it once again returning to my favorite month position.

"Lots of people believe in God and Christ who are not Mormons. Should not Mormons have a connection with God that goes beyond the Church? Do we worship God or do we worship Mormonism?" 

-Richard Bushman

Gone Baby Gone

So, where have I been? Where is my online presence? I've taken on a more private phase of my life.

Not necessarily because I don't think it's worth writing about, I just find some of the really mundane aspects of life riveting. I've watched the sunrise in the parking lot at my work twice in the last week. Penny squished her first bug, crunching it several times in her hand. I've completed a project I've been working on months to finish. I'm addicted to watching video/photography tutorials on lynda.com and we are vacaying in SD next week.

I'm worried about the vacation. The issues don't have anything to do with the Fesler side of the family. I'm worried that my body will realize I haven't slept in 3 weeks and crash. I'm worried I will need to pump and have to run into the woods to hopefully not traumatize a young cousin. I'm worried Penny will cry the entire car ride (ok, but really Lizi? She's a pretty mellow baby but there is a small possibility...) I'm worried that when I get back I will have to go to Sheboygan WI and have the same issue with pumping except I will be with 3 non-family men...or that I won't go, because somehow being a nursing mom makes life more complicated when it comes to filming all day. Just worry.

Story of my life.

I learn a lot from my baby.

Two important lessons she teaches me: she forgives almost instantly and she grows a deep love for (almost) everyone she meets. If my infant can do it, I can do it.

I find myself insecure and not wanting to reach out to those who might need it most, she moves forward without fear. I find myself hesitating in befriending a fellow peer, she greets them with her biggest smile. I want to be more like her in these areas and continue to recognize her strength throughout the years.

Riot

I'm concerned about the world. There is devastation, destruction, hate and hurt bleeding from every nation. I have a baby. A small, innocent, pure, full of joy and personality of a baby. How do I protect her? When the riots become more violent, when the riots spread to where I live, when the natural disaster hits my town, will I be able to keep her safe? Or even alive? Since when was it courageous to be bloodthirsty? 

I feel that I must say something, though my creditability in the area is lacking. I don't live in the South. I don't live in Baltimore. I don't live in Nepal. I am a white woman. But my heart aches. There are people starving to death waiting for help. Riots and rage roam the world, we are living in the dystopian world everyone writes about.

I don't see the baltimore mom how others see her. She parents different than I would parent but then again, I've never been in that situation so I don't know if I would react similarly. In words, I wouldn't want to stop my son from joining forces by hitting him. Combatting violence with violence doesn't seem to be sending the right message. To me, her actions are a desperate plea for him to turn around and realize she taught him better. I get that. Everyone who has gotten hurt, has a mother and most of the mothers are worried about them.

A woman that grew up in my neighborhood died in Nepal a few years back. Her plane flew right into the mountain. It is one of the most dangerous airports in the world. It has a tiny landing strip and a huge mountain not visible if there are any clouds but even more-so, there isn't a lot of access to the surrounding villages without the airport functioning. I hear the positive stories about how they have found a baby in the rubble, completely unharmed. What a miracle. But these stories are few and far between.

We praise people for standing up for what they believe in but what about when it negatively affects my family. The word "safe" and "world peace" gets a bad rap but in all honestly, why can't I desire that? Ever since I got pregnant, I have had an overwhelming weight of responsibility for my baby. I constantly have nightmares where I'm in a situation that I can't control the fact that she gets hurt. It is on my mind a lot. Then I've had a few emotional attacks. I will never feel like I'm doing enough for my child, so believe me I feel guilty on a daily basis from my own thoughts. Then this happens:

I knew it was a joke. But it destroyed me. 

When is that ever funny?

Dave made a good point that this individual is a great example of the loud minority and even though there were so many positive comments and encouragement, I let the one sarcastic remark sting. That may be true but it doesn't mean that the words don't haunt me. Then, I think how silly it is that I care so much about a stupid comment on Facebook when there are so many bigger issues going on and know I tend to avoid conflict. Let it be known, I know the world is in distress and fear my insignificance will steal the basics I owe my family: safety, love and happiness.

Giggling Like a Tween

Since I got drug tested Tuesday, we ate poppy seed chicken for dinner yesterday :)

Last night, penny slept in her own room...well at least for a couple of hours. Dave and I were so happy at the option of being loud that we ended up staying up late giggling like school girls at a sleepover.

It began as a confession. I'm a horrible liar and Dave could tell I was hiding something. Well, it's even harder to hide something when you have a shopping bag of things even though you were supposed to be at a church activity all evening. We began laughing so hard because he said that he's always trying to get me to buy things for myself and I felt so guilty because I thought he wanted me to stay for the "will" writing lesson.

Somehow it turned into reminiscing over our first flutterings of attraction towards each other. We admitted to truths that we were too embarrassed to think about before. How we felt when our hug was sabotaged, that my heart skipped a beat when he strolled up to the camp fire, how he texted to see if I were an activity before he made an appearance, how I thought about him while I was on dates with others and gradually stopped trying on those dates. Overall, I married the right guy. We have mutually cared about each other since the first day we met.

Drug Test

Penny still has a cough but she seems much better. So we are on the slow road to recovery.

Mary wanted to win the spelling bee so bad this past weekend but accidentally spelled a word wrong that she knew. It is sad but also a relief. We love how hard she works and am happy she can move onto new things.

Penny kept rolling over and angled herself in the perfect position to fart in Linda's face. She did it several times, it was hilarious.

Dave wants me to stop eating candy. It's true, I'm addicted. Well, I told him I would go back to my goal of only eating sugary things on Sundays and Wednesdays if he makes a dermatology appointment to check out his moles. He still hasn't done it even though I hear from him all the time that I shouldn't make the carmel popcorn again. I think this ultimatum benefits me both ways it could go :) Dave says I've been making too many ultimatums. But hey, if they work!

I had to get drug tested yesterday, I've never had to do that before. They were super strict about stuff and I swear the guy who sat next to me was on meth. Typical, right? Anyways, you have to pee in the cup and then enough in the toilet to make it green. You cannot wash your hands or turn on the water while you're in the bathroom. You have to take everything out of your pockets and the temperature of the pee has to be between 90-100 degrees. I thought it was silly but Dave told me things his friends used to do to pass drug tests when they shouldn't have and it's ridiculous what people do! Hopefully, I'll never have to do that again!

Sick and Tired

In this home? We are all tired.

Baby girl has one of those deep, fluid filled coughs that is concerning to any mother. At night, we try to man her together and on our own but by morning we are both exhausted. Dave sent me off to the living room at 3:15am to get a consistent four hours of sleep and I feel like it's the best sleep I've had in years.

My anxiety has been particularly bad and so the potential of RSV is constantly on my mind. Do I take her into the pediatrician when I know that there are a bunch of sick kids in the waiting room? Do I try to figure this out on my own? Should I bath her more often or not at all? Is there more I can be doing?

5 months

Audrey got baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This is from that day.

 This day we just had a lot of fun with the camera and my bubbly little girl.

 what happened to this picture...

 I just like how many rolls she has on her arms in this picture.

And take a look at how impressive the rolls are on her back.

 For Valentines Day we went around to significant places from our dating history and took pictures of penny in the spots. On the day I met my husband, he offered me his seat, right here. At the Patterson's house.

I just love the progression of these photos. Penny loves her daddy and she loves books so it was wonderful to see how incredibly happy she was when Dave read her the bedtime story.

This is Dave's favorite pic from the month because this is the first day we did something new with her hair. 

Two pigtails are a little small for her 90% head.

This is at the Oscars party that we had. 

What's New:

Penny: There were a lot of firsts this month. 

-She rolled over. 

-She can shake her rattle. 

-She just barely had her first bite of solid food (I have record of it but I haven't transferred it to the computer yet.) 

-She sings to us all day and she loves the word "dada." Dave doesn't think it counts but I do so ha. 

Dave:

-Put in his two weeks notice, he stops working on the 6th of March.

-Is growing out his hair so he can get the works for his christmas present I gave him at his favorite barber.

-Accepted into Dev Mountain and is finishing Code Academy

-Loses our love bets all of the time and will have to wear a fake tattoo of my choosing at work all day (I'm thinking disney princess, what do you think?)

Lizi:

-Got offered her job back at VitalSmarts

-Cried about it a lot. Happy and sad cry, Penny gets quite confused when it happens.
-A coworker from Sundance passed away this month. The whole situations was numbing.

-Put a lot of preparation into the Oscars party. I'm not sure why it meant so much to me.

-Have 4 Timeless series interviews DONE. 

UnSpoken

There are so many times where I feel that I should've said something but I stopped myself. At times, I am grateful. For the few times I felt "brave" enough to spit out the truth, I have many regrets of the path it lead. But then there were the other times when the truth spoken in the wrong moment felt liberating.

I asked, "did you kiss her tonight?"
Chris said, "Let me explain..."
"I don't want an explanation, I just want an answer to the question."
"...yes."
"Then, we are done. You knew that this would be the result."

I walked out the backdoor of my home, leaving the 30 guests who were playing games at the party I organized and I ran. I don't know how long I was gone but I was gone long enough to know it was the right thing to break up with someone who doesn't respect me. As I walked back, I could see him on my front lawn in the swing and I hesitated at returning but I breathed in my courage and took the steps forward to his side.

He cried. It was ugly. I thought men didn't cry because they thought it wasn't manly but maybe it's because they aren't good at it. He begged for another chance. I simply reminded him this was already his second chance, she was my best friend (or so I thought) and the truth: I had lost all attraction to him the moment he cheated. I couldn't deny it. I wasn't angry or sad or worried I'd never find another. I simply lost interest.


David wasn't like the other boys. He focused on one girl at a time. It was new.

I didn't know there were people in the world like him. He wasn't interested in women that juggled a variety of men. Yet, somehow all I had known were guys who bragged about all of the mistakes they made so I thought that was the cool thing to do. I still don't know why Dave took a liking to me. We had conversations I actually looked forward to. He would keep his distance when he was dating other women. He became my best friend when I thought all of my other friends had forgotten me (or were stuck in Korea.) I loved him before we even dated, before our feet touched, before we kissed, before our elbows touched in the movie theater, before all of it I loved the person he was. Slowly, I fell in love with him as well and knew he was the best decision I ever met.

4 Months

Love her. None of these pictures are edited btw. Just because I could spend weeks editing pictures and never actually getting around to posting them. We obviously take a lot of pictures but I could do better about sharing them. These are my favorites, not necessarily the best. She just has so much expression in her face.

I believe in cozy.

The Middle of The Night

When 6pm arrived, I would dread the hours to come. I felt the stinging in my eyebrows, bringing fear and anger at the process of getting no sleep night after night. But there comes a time,when they baby and you have a schedule in sync with one another and the anxiety stops. You learn to accept the inevitable of the darkness. I have taken a step beyond acceptance.

I know the world is sleeping. I have grown fond of the calm. I become acquainted with myself. I make plans, not the kind of plans I used to make of excitement and drama but better plans. I whisper my inner desires to myself. I relish in the quiet. I relive the regrets of the day and ponder the small victories. The night and I know each other well now. Knowing that a minute won't make a much of a difference, I look as serenity lays on the expression of the two I love as they slumber. I am welcomed into the night's arms and when I return to bed I sink deeply in.

The night and I know each other well.

Small update

I'm working on a 2014 Review but it's long and slightly depressing so I may not post it.

Penny turned 3 months on Christmas day.
-she makes an italian fist with her hand and shakes it at me like this
-Her favorite word to say is "glue" I pretend that she is saying "I love you" because it sounds kind of similar
-She had her first sickness. It was sad to witness. She officially has an ear infection and we are working on recovering. She was doing great with her bedtime routine before she got it so let's hope she keeps that up.
-I filmed 5 seconds every hour of her Christmas day and I'll put that video together....sometime.
-Penny was our New Years Kiss!

I believe in family.

My poor Baby Puts Up With Me

https://feslerfilms.wordpress.com/2014/12/20/christmas-baby/

2 1/2 Months - What's new

PENNY
-SMILES. They melt my heart. I try to go to bed but if Penny flashes that smile at me, some how an hour has past without me realizing it.

Penny showing her namesake her mad singing skills.

-She loves being sung to and loves singing. Believe me, we went to Lucy Bradshaw's Annie performance and Penny was not quiet about how she wanted to sing the songs so we spent that time in the hallway. We heard this past week from Becca that she doesn't care if the person is deaf, she still loves being sung to. I heard from Isaac Bradshaw that she likes the song "Everything is Awesome," Erika thinks she prefers music from Phantom of the Opera, our upstair neighbor girls sing "A Life That's Good" from the TV show Nashville and Papa has had the song "Little Girls" stuck in his head for a while now. Penny and I always listen to music to dance/sing to while making food and some of her favorites for that activity are "Pennies from Heaven," "Didn't Leave Nobody but the Baby" (such a sad song,) "Parachute" and "Fresh Feeling." I have a musical baby guys.
-Her reflux still makes her fussy most nights but it's not half as bad as it used to be. We are so happy about modern medicine.
-Penny filled out. She has big eyes but now that she has put on some weight, her eyes look significantly smaller than they used to. She uses her cheeks as a head rest on her shoulders. She has a triple chin that we call her "4 smiles."
-Had her first Thanksgiving and already perfected the food coma! We snuggled all day last Thursday, it was the best gift she could have given me.


DAVE
-Blessed our child and did such a wonderful job at it.

-Got called up to speak on a whim. Or so he thinks. Since she didn't get blessed on a fast Sunday, I was a bit bummed that I wouldn't have a good excuse to force Dave to bear his testimony. So secretly I prayed that somehow he would be called up to speak. The Sunday before her blessing, Penny pooped through her outfit during Sacrament so I went to the changing room. We were the only ones in there so when the bishop explained he would be picking people randomly from the audience to bear their testimonies, both of us said "Dave Fesler" after every pick. Then, Bishop said "Brother Fesler" and Penny smiled so big. We hurried back in and the nervous daddy gave a great testimony on love.
-Decided he didn't like the current lights on our Christmas tree so he cut them all off (believe it or not it's very time consuming to do) and bought new ones.
-Dances with Penny every night to this song (stop before 1:55) Penny kicks along ferciously and takes her dancing very seriously.

LIZI
-Went back to work and put in her two weeks notice. She misses Penny so much during the day and has decided that she can get way too caught up in work so she has to cut it off. I have had mixed feelings about leaving the workforce ever since I started. As soon as I could run after giving birth, that's what I would focus all of my energy into. Deciding what to do even though I have had an inkling since March. We tried every option and my position honestly wouldn't work part time or at home. So I'm looking for a worthy replacement.
-Contributed to the production of this web series (I did a little on this BSGuys but more on a few others that are scheduled to come out once a month...)

-Christmas has occupied so much of my time. I'm so worried about it! Dave has always been a great gift-giver and this year I wanted to be a great one too. So I made lists and took notes all year long of things he mentioned he likes and I'm ALL IN. I'm spending money that I usually wouldn't. THIS IS MY YEAR. It's gonna be good...

Somebody NEEDS You

One of the best and hardest parts about being a mother is that somebody NEEDS you.

This is the first time in my life that I am actually a necessity.
I enjoy being married.
I enjoy working.
I enjoy video production, editing, free-time, photography, writing, art, ceramics and a number of other activities.

BUT
If I didn't show, if I didn't dedicate time that day, if I was sick, if I decided to stop doing those things all together... they would survive without me.

As a mom my baby needs me; and specifically me.

When I remind myself of this purpose, waking up in the middle of the night, being patient if she is crying and spending the money to help her health not only is worth it but is much easier.
If I'm focused on myself however, I quickly can get caught up on the new pains of healing/breastfeeding, the lack of social interaction and the inconvenience of the time it truly takes. I won't lie, at times I fall into the latter state and want pity but recognizing that when I focus on the adorable child grinning at me instead of the selfish desires, I melt.
Knowing that she needs me not only has added purpose to my life, but has breathed depth and soul into my future. There will be a day she no longer needs me and I have decided that's when I probably will need her even more than ever.

It's nice to be needed.

Toes

Bearded feet from Fesler Films on Vimeo.

Trying to keep up by documenting some of my favorite small habits penny does. This is one of them.