Gossip is mean

Silence is not golden.

It’s a sign that I’m being gossiped about. Especially if I just spoke my mind as candidly but blunt as ever. I’m okay with this because I’ve come to terms this week that I’m done with the bullsh*t and excuses. I want more for the people I love. I want them to be ambitious, to be rational, to live off of love/empathy instead of some odd popularity contest. We were taught better than that. 

Each year, I have a “theme”

2014:

“For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” Mark 8:36

2015:

Don’t let fear control your life and get in the way of your progression. 

2016: 

Grow Up. 

-I want my voice heard and respected

-I want my friends/family to recognize that adults don’t act like they are in a high school clique

-I want to be a woman my daughter can look up to

Don't Worry, I Know Just The Thing

My team at work won the step challenge which means they gave us new running shoes as a prize, SCORE!

As I walked into the sporting goods store, I had narrowed down my top two favorite shoe choices but just seemed to put them down and come back the next day to torture myself over the decision. Today was different. The man in the shoe section (he hadn't worked the other days) came up to me while I was trying on the same exact shoes for the umpteenth time and asked me if I needed any help.

At first I shrugged him off but on second thought I found him to ask him to watch me run in the shoes. I wanted his recommendation. He said, "Oh hon, you don't need to do that. I can tell you which shoe is best for you if you just stand and look straight ahead."

I loved this response. I have been thinking about it all day. Not only was he confident, he was such an expert in his trade that he could tell what was best just by looking at me and he didn't care which one was more expensive, he recommended the one that would help me the most in the long run (which happened to be cheaper!)

I want to be that person. If people don't want my "help" or expertise, I'm not offended by that at all but the second they even consider having me document their face, I want to be able to say I know what lighting/style/pose will flatter them so much that they will be proud of the body they are in.


#goals
Am I right?

Treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until winter, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink.... there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Work like you don't need money,

Love like you've never been hurt,

And dance like no one's watching.

-Robert Westerburg

While it’s true that I have been doing better with anxiety, I have my moments of purely irrational thoughts. Those moments can strike pure panic in my heart. I whisper these to myself often.

-when a grown man calls you in tears, you listen

-when a dog refuses to walk near an individual, trust them

-when a retired vet walks out of a war movie, decipher

-when a baby sleeps, you document it

-when you drive the tricaster of a webinar, you appreciate full-time producers

-when you run a teleprompter for a live event, don’t mess up

-when you can't figure out what's wrong with an edit, simplify

-when you have more photos than space on your computer, be grateful but back up

-when they are reaching out to you for your professional work, let them know you’ll cost money but it will be worth it.

-do not be afraid of CC or discouraged by rejection

-do not let the feeling of being overwhelmed distract you from finishing tasks

-you feel better in organized space

-fear and courage co-exist but make sure courage is the outcome

-bike to work. it's good to feel cold and hot at the same time, it's good to feel the wind in your hair and the misty dew on you feet, it's good to feel.

-when you meet your dream grandma, ask for her number.

-if you've gone to a local function your entire life, find the owner and get to know them. Thank them for their dedication.

-recognize sleep is important

-when you get asked to operate steadicam, why not try it?

-"are you worried? would it help to be?" 

-do not strive to be better at your talents than others in your field, every person you meet can teach you something that you don't know. 

-Do not be a talking resume, it only sounds like you are trying to convince yourself.

-When your baby is having bowel problems, keep your cell phone far away from the danger zone.

-hold your babies every day

-dance every day. Take a moment to be vulnerable and dance like no one is watching.

But my baby is usually there, waiting for me at home, wide-eyed and joyful and I am filled with shame not being there. No matter what, I cannot justify why I'm not there. I feel guilty planning anything after hours and I am saddened that she falls asleep right as I get home. I am a mom but I don’t always feel like I’m a good mom. The last thing I want is for her to feel I ignore her or don’t want to be around her, I fear it all day everyday even though she won’t remember this time in her life, I don’t want her to think I ever had that cross my mind. 

"When people give you advice, they're really just talking to themselves in the past."

-Steal Like an Artist

So when can I call myself a photographer or a filmmaker?

My words exactly.

http://jasonandjenniebrown.blogspot.com/2015/10/so-youre-photographer-now.html

Photography/Film is not for the insecure. Yet, I fall under that category as I’m sure many do. 

I feel that Jennie expressed the inner conflict so perfectly in her post. I see several images like this “I was ready to walk away forever and somehow we keep going.” I think the personalities in this field can be painted very stereotypically as overcharging, mommy-blogging, outgoing, trend-searching, financially insane, abrasive self-sellers but we are so much more complex than that. It’s a competitive field, that’s true but not all of us are ruthless. It seems that so many forget the hours spent in dark rooms, late at night, finishing edits. Or the fact that it’s an art, truly that grabs our eye or breaths life into the world around us not the top ten poses with the exact same smile. Truly, what I find most intriguing about film and photography is it has endless opportunities to learn something new. I want to know EVERYTHING and honestly? I don’t think it’s possible, but I’ve loved the process of trying to get to the proclaimed “expert.” Not because I want a pay-raise but because each time something clicks, it’s EXHILARATING.

My personal win: (don’t read if you don’t care, I’m not trying to brag but trying to document moments like this so when I’m feeling insecure and need to remember why I do what I do.)

I was contacted two weeks ago from a woman I have always admired. To be honest, "admire" is an understatement. If it were up to me to choose whose voice would narrate my life in my own head or in a movie, she’d be my choice (sounds like HONEY.) She was interested in me taking her family pictures. Immediately I thought that it must be a mistake. She was either recruited by my mom begging her or because she pitied my financial situation. Furthermore, SHE’s a photographer and pretty much living my ideal life (living in Sundance, travels the world to empower women and save wildlife, independently wealthy, incredible curly hair…etc) We scheduled it, I researched my butt off to try and be the best I could for her and then her grandkids got sick so we postponed the shoot but she invited me to dinner. Even though I knew I would love sitting and listening to the sounds of nature with her, I was nervous she would see how much I wanted to make her happy. It helped me to go up and see the style of photos she likes and how it is hard to capture her soul as accurately as she is but as she talked to me she kept saying phrases like, “Your style is so natural” or “this photo is like what I’ve seen of yours; bright and joyous” or “it’s why I was originally drawn to your work.” Meg doesn’t lie and those small tidbits of words hinted that she KNEW my work. More than that, SHE liked MY work and had faith I could capture her. I felt that the experience was the greatest compliment I have ever received. 

You know the question that people ask, "if you could have a meal with anyone, who would it be?" I feel lucky because the person I would choose actually gives me the privilege to be invited up to her home on occasion.

If you ever worry you’ll never be good enough. Whether it’s something you are passionate or not, the book “Editing” by Justin Chang has proven to me that we’re not alone (at least in the film industry.)

“For a long time, psychologically, I never felt I was good enough. All the other editors I worked with were so sure of themselves; they were all so well spoken and loquacious. I could never talk like that.” -Michael Kahn (Steven Spielberg editor)

“If something doesn’t seem quite right and you don’t really know why, simplify.” -Anne Coates (Oscar winning editor)

“If editing is anything, it’s telling a story and applying a rhythm to that story.”-Richard Marks (editor of Godfather: Part II, Apocalypse Now, Say Anything, You’ve Got Mail…etc)

“Film schools can teach you technique, but they can’t teach you pacing and rhythm; those are things you have to have in you to begin with, or you have to teach and train yourself.”-Valdis Oskarsdottir (Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind editor)

Penny's First Birthday

Penny's First Birthday from Fesler Films on Vimeo.

Because someday she might wonder what her first birthday was like. She deserves to know.

"Just a mom. And that's enough."

Is posted under a friend's insta profile. That is enough. At times, I don't recognize the worthiness it takes to say I'm a mom. Women do incredible things my friends, incredible things indeed.

"Much of life is about failure, whether we acknowledge it or not, and your destiny is profoundly shaped by how effectively you learn from and adapt to failure.”

-David Brooks

But These People Are Trying to Help

WILD :: Kenya's Elephants and The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust from Village Beat on Vimeo.

So, I've Been Worried About Elephants a Lot Lately...

Shop > ~Orphan Ellie Foster Jewelry FUNDRAISER for the DSWT~ > Orphan Ellie Foster Necklaces

Orphan Ellie Foster Necklaces

We're helping orphaned baby Africa Elephants one necklace at a time!

**Proceeds from the sale of each necklace goes directly to foster orphan baby African Elephants that reside @ The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust-Orphan Elephant Project Orphanage/Nursery located in Nairobi, Kenya-Africa.**

Beautiful necklaces that feature an orphaned baby elephant. Every Orphan Ellie Foster Necklace purchase will help fund the rescue, adoption and care of orphaned African Elephant babies that are rescued and reside at The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust Elephant Orphanage/Nursery located in Nairobi, Kenya-Africa until they can be re-introduced into the wild.

100% of the net proceeds will go directly to support this cause. This is an official fundraiser for The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust-Orphan Elephant Project.

http://www.sheldrickwildlifetrust.org

WILD :: Kenya's Elephants and The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust from Village Beat on Vimeo.

Illegal ivory poaching is decimating the wild elephant herds throughout Africa leaving in its bloody wake scores of orphaned baby African Elephants. The DSWT rescues these orphans and raises them until they can be returned back into the wild.  Watch this video to learn more about the DSWT's mission to save these orphans!

So many times, one wonders how they can have an impact on a HUGE problem, half a world away.  Because of this, people may not act at all because they don’t feel like any one person can make a difference.  After visiting Africa and spending time at an elephant sanctuary, I’ve found a way to help out the orphaned baby elephants while bringing awareness to the ever growing illegal ivory poaching crisis that is endangering the majestic African Elephant.  With each sale of Orphan Ellie Foster Necklaces, foster funds are raised and directly sent to the DSWT-Orphan Elephant Project to foster the orphaned baby elephants in their care. 

The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust (DSWT) keepers & DSWT Orphan Kamok pose with their Orphan Ellie Foster Necklaces @ the DSWT Orphan Nursery in Nairobi, Kenya Africa. May this necklace protect each keeper as they protect the baby orphan elephants while they continue to grow and thrive under the protection and care of the DSWT.

~Orphan Ellie Foster Necklaces~

Each piece of Orphan Ellie Foster Jewelry is lovingly handmade by me, a fellow elephant lover and passionate DSWT supporter. As I create each piece, I pick one of the DSWT orphans and say a prayer for that orphan as I'm creating that piece of jewelry for a fellow DSWT supporter. It is my hope that very piece of jewelry will then remind the wearer of their favorite DSWT orphan with every wear!

Orphan Ellie Foster Cord Necklace $25.00 Out of Stock	Orphan Ellie Foster Necklace-*LIMITED EDITION* DSWT Orphan $28.00 Out of Stock	Orphan Ellie Foster Necklace-Ribbon Assorted Colors $30.00
Orphan Ellie Foster Necklace-Ribbon Ellie Grey $30.00	Orphan Ellie Foster Necklace-Silver Chain $25.00 Out of Stock	Orphan Ellie Foster Necklace-Braided Assorted Colors $25.00
Orphan Ellie Foster Necklace-Brown Flat Braided $25.00 Out of Stock	Orphan Ellie Foster Necklace- Silver Chain with Flower Charm $30.00 Out of Stock	Orphan Aisha Collection-Orphan Aisha DSWT Africa Pendant Necklace $45.00

Remember a number of years ago on KBYU there was a credits list with running horses? I still think of that often. Since I was a little girl I always have imagined me riding bareback on one of the horses, racing into the horizon.

I wish I could say with words what I say with images. But maybe it’s better this way. 

Maybe the whole point is for self interpretation but I don’t want my words to just lump into a group of uninspiring bloggers. I want to evoke emotion. 

Whitopia

http://www.ted.com/talks/rich_benjamin_my_road_trip_through_the_whitest_towns_in_america?language=en

I found this interesting. Does it surprise you that a city in Utah made the “Whitopia” list? At a younger age, I would be defensive about people that criticize the lack of diversity in this state but as I’ve grown, I try to take feedback as constructively as possible. I agree that I have heard many extreme opinions about immigration and have been shocked at the racism I have witnessed here. So I would like to bring that up as an opportunity of improvement because it is not bad to be referred to as “pleasant” but that means we must strive to be inviting as well.

On another note, I find the information collected potentially lacking since it would be harder to find a rebuttal. I would love to live and immerse myself into the three most diverse cities in the nation. I would love to live in the conditions they live in and entertain myself with similar activities. I would love to observe how they go about their daily life but I am afraid of two potential issues with doing so: 1. I would be afraid of offending another culture, whether I try to incorporate jargin or imitating their cultural traditions 2. As a white woman, I don’t always feel safe in one of the safest cities in the world. Would you be concerned about those against my race or those that see me inferior because of my gender? If the social experiment cannot be performed by someone defined as opposite as this man, we are all missing crucial information on how we can grow as a country.

I Am Free

July is about freedom, right? So how did you free yourself this July?

It’s been a monumental month for my family and I. A new years goal I have constantly been trying to attain is….don’t let the things you are afraid of, hold you back any longer. That covers a lot of areas, would it for you? What are you afraid of saying? What are you afraid of looking like? Who are you too embarrassed to see because of something you did wrong? Are you accomplishing your what if’s? I tend to run from problems and try to hide under a rock but I’m not fooling anybody. 

I have spent too long hating myself.

I am free.

I am free to love the man of my dreams. He loves, respects and treats me very well.

I am no longer afraid to say I need anxiety medication.

I am free to feel peace.

I am free to feel better about myself

I am free to eat food that provides energy and long lasting nutrition

I am no longer ashamed to ask for money for my profession. 

I am no longer afraid to ask questions

I am no longer embarrassed of my work, each project has taught me millions.

I am free to research, zone out and learn as much as I can to become better.

I am no longer afraid to express my deep love for animals.

I am not afraid to disagree with someone, as long as I do so respectfully, with candor and honesty.

I am going to be free of destructive friends and not feel guilty about it.

I am not afraid to cry.

I am not afraid to dance.

I am free to say no. 

I am free to smile. 

I am free to make friends everywhere I go. (A few of those consist of a make up artist from Macy’s, the woman I sat next to on the plane, anyone I choose to sit next to at social events…etc)

I am no longer afraid to stand up for those I care about. They are worth it.

Yesterday, on our walk, I felt the full benefits of my freedoms. We are living our dreams. I watched my husband run full speed, barefoot, in a meadow, with a giant dog by his side. I know how happy that makes him. I watched my baby discover many new objects with great curiosity. I woke up early this morning, ran in the rain and finished a package of photos for a client. I have lost 20 lbs and feel that since I can get over an addiction to sugar, I can do anything.

I think of where I was on the 2nd of July: Anxious, Tired, Nervous about July, Depressed, Unmotivated, Spiritually hesitant, ashamed of myself, stuck, feeling worthless, and avoiding everyone. My symptoms became life-threatening. I couldn’t even fathom attempting to survive last week of the month. Last week happened, things didn’t go perfectly but I did what I could with what I had and was able to let go of the things I couldn’t control. There are triumphs worth celebrating. July is that for me and it once again returning to my favorite month position.

"Lots of people believe in God and Christ who are not Mormons. Should not Mormons have a connection with God that goes beyond the Church? Do we worship God or do we worship Mormonism?" 

-Richard Bushman

Gone Baby Gone

So, where have I been? Where is my online presence? I've taken on a more private phase of my life.

Not necessarily because I don't think it's worth writing about, I just find some of the really mundane aspects of life riveting. I've watched the sunrise in the parking lot at my work twice in the last week. Penny squished her first bug, crunching it several times in her hand. I've completed a project I've been working on months to finish. I'm addicted to watching video/photography tutorials on lynda.com and we are vacaying in SD next week.

I'm worried about the vacation. The issues don't have anything to do with the Fesler side of the family. I'm worried that my body will realize I haven't slept in 3 weeks and crash. I'm worried I will need to pump and have to run into the woods to hopefully not traumatize a young cousin. I'm worried Penny will cry the entire car ride (ok, but really Lizi? She's a pretty mellow baby but there is a small possibility...) I'm worried that when I get back I will have to go to Sheboygan WI and have the same issue with pumping except I will be with 3 non-family men...or that I won't go, because somehow being a nursing mom makes life more complicated when it comes to filming all day. Just worry.

Story of my life.

I learn a lot from my baby.

Two important lessons she teaches me: she forgives almost instantly and she grows a deep love for (almost) everyone she meets. If my infant can do it, I can do it.

I find myself insecure and not wanting to reach out to those who might need it most, she moves forward without fear. I find myself hesitating in befriending a fellow peer, she greets them with her biggest smile. I want to be more like her in these areas and continue to recognize her strength throughout the years.

Riot

I'm concerned about the world. There is devastation, destruction, hate and hurt bleeding from every nation. I have a baby. A small, innocent, pure, full of joy and personality of a baby. How do I protect her? When the riots become more violent, when the riots spread to where I live, when the natural disaster hits my town, will I be able to keep her safe? Or even alive? Since when was it courageous to be bloodthirsty? 

I feel that I must say something, though my creditability in the area is lacking. I don't live in the South. I don't live in Baltimore. I don't live in Nepal. I am a white woman. But my heart aches. There are people starving to death waiting for help. Riots and rage roam the world, we are living in the dystopian world everyone writes about.

I don't see the baltimore mom how others see her. She parents different than I would parent but then again, I've never been in that situation so I don't know if I would react similarly. In words, I wouldn't want to stop my son from joining forces by hitting him. Combatting violence with violence doesn't seem to be sending the right message. To me, her actions are a desperate plea for him to turn around and realize she taught him better. I get that. Everyone who has gotten hurt, has a mother and most of the mothers are worried about them.

A woman that grew up in my neighborhood died in Nepal a few years back. Her plane flew right into the mountain. It is one of the most dangerous airports in the world. It has a tiny landing strip and a huge mountain not visible if there are any clouds but even more-so, there isn't a lot of access to the surrounding villages without the airport functioning. I hear the positive stories about how they have found a baby in the rubble, completely unharmed. What a miracle. But these stories are few and far between.

We praise people for standing up for what they believe in but what about when it negatively affects my family. The word "safe" and "world peace" gets a bad rap but in all honestly, why can't I desire that? Ever since I got pregnant, I have had an overwhelming weight of responsibility for my baby. I constantly have nightmares where I'm in a situation that I can't control the fact that she gets hurt. It is on my mind a lot. Then I've had a few emotional attacks. I will never feel like I'm doing enough for my child, so believe me I feel guilty on a daily basis from my own thoughts. Then this happens:

I knew it was a joke. But it destroyed me. 

When is that ever funny?

Dave made a good point that this individual is a great example of the loud minority and even though there were so many positive comments and encouragement, I let the one sarcastic remark sting. That may be true but it doesn't mean that the words don't haunt me. Then, I think how silly it is that I care so much about a stupid comment on Facebook when there are so many bigger issues going on and know I tend to avoid conflict. Let it be known, I know the world is in distress and fear my insignificance will steal the basics I owe my family: safety, love and happiness.

Giggling Like a Tween

Since I got drug tested Tuesday, we ate poppy seed chicken for dinner yesterday :)

Last night, penny slept in her own room...well at least for a couple of hours. Dave and I were so happy at the option of being loud that we ended up staying up late giggling like school girls at a sleepover.

It began as a confession. I'm a horrible liar and Dave could tell I was hiding something. Well, it's even harder to hide something when you have a shopping bag of things even though you were supposed to be at a church activity all evening. We began laughing so hard because he said that he's always trying to get me to buy things for myself and I felt so guilty because I thought he wanted me to stay for the "will" writing lesson.

Somehow it turned into reminiscing over our first flutterings of attraction towards each other. We admitted to truths that we were too embarrassed to think about before. How we felt when our hug was sabotaged, that my heart skipped a beat when he strolled up to the camp fire, how he texted to see if I were an activity before he made an appearance, how I thought about him while I was on dates with others and gradually stopped trying on those dates. Overall, I married the right guy. We have mutually cared about each other since the first day we met.